


No One is Here to Sleep

by unholyseraphs (oncharredwings)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cutting, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Depression, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Partying, Slut Shaming, So much angst, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, implied rape, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 19:39:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/unholyseraphs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is a fifteen year old runaway who finds himself in the small town of Silverbay, Montana. Cold, alone, and hungry he wanders into a diner owned by Benny Lafitte who agrees to take the wayward kid into his home. Dean is plagued by the sour memories of his past, including the constant reminder that he had to leave his younger brother behind. Castiel Novak is a dancer who is well-liked and known for his promiscuous behavior around town. It is not until in the wake of a tragedy that both Dean and Castiel will be drawn to each other and discover how to trust and be whole again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags, read the tags, read the tags. I tried to tag everything for those of you who could be triggered!
> 
> This has been a long time coming, I've been writing since the beginning of January and there have been many snags and kinks but here is the beginnings of No One is Here to Sleep. Enjoy. 
> 
> Thanks to Nadia (lucifers_left_earlobe) who has been a great beta for me, she is so fabulous :)

            Benny Lafitte’s diner, simply entitled _Benny’s_ was located in the small town Silverbay, Montana. He served from dawn until dusk, sometimes even late into the night when the loggers came through heading towards the mountains. Benny knew every face that walked into his diner, just as they all knew him, so when the thin, dirty, and gangly boy walked into his diner right after opening, Benny had to do a double take. Not even his earliest regulars had arrived yet and this boy could have been no older than fifteen stumbled in long before they would arrive for their breakfast. But Benny would not just turn this kid away either, even if his suspicions were raised.

            “Do you...it says you need help..on the front…” the boy gestured vaguely back behind him, his green eyes full of desperate hope. “I’m a real hard worker I swear…”

            “What’s your name, Kid?” Benny asked quietly, continuing to wipe down the glass in his hands.

            “Um...Dean…..Dean Winchester…”

            “Where’re your folks, Dean?”

            The boy paused for a while, his gaze slowly lowering to the ground. “Dead,” he finally whispered. “I’ve been on the road for a while….I could really use a job..please….”

            “Dead, huh? I’m sorry to hear that.” He looked the boy over some more, believing his story even if something still felt off. The glass clinked as he set it down slowly with the others, all lined up in a row like a band of soldiers. “I am lookin’ for a dishwasher...but I can’t hire ya if I can’t do it legally.”

            “I-I have stuff-..I’m...old enough to work…” Dean began to fumble with his bag, producing a wallet that had seen better days, laying it on the counter. “I won’t be any trouble, I swear.”

            “Where you stayin, Dean? You got family out here?” When the boy shook his head in response, Benny could only frown. Benny had to assume that the boy was homeless with his desperation. “You know I should be calling the cops...but I won’t,” he added after the alarmed look that that statement stemmed from Dean. “Should, but I won’t….I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you need a place to stay, is that right?”

            “....yeah...but that’s okay-” Dean looked so afraid, his eyes wide and tired; the kid had darker circles under his eyes than most grad students. “I don’t wanna cause you any-”

            “Hush, I’ll sleep better knowing you got a roof over your head, food in your belly, and clothes on your back. You have a sit here, I’ll cook ya whatever you like, and I’ll make a phone call while you eat. See what I can do, alright?” He gestured at one of the stools in front of the counter, watching as Dean practically fell onto it, his small body sleepy and clearly exhausted. “What would you like to eat?”

            “Anything, I don’t care...really I don’t.”

            “How about some pancakes and bacon, hm?”

            “Sounds delicious….thank you-”

            “You can call me Benny.” Benny gave Dean a small smile before heading back to make him a stack of pancakes and enough bacon to give the kid heart problems later in his life. He would have to give Ezra Fitz a call, as Ezra knew all about taking in wayward strays, even if this one held no relation to anyone in town, and had a fairly questionable background. However, the poor kid seemed harmless, and really how much trouble could a desperate fifteen year old be? Once the pancakes were finished, Benny plated everything up and brought the food back out, and the real pleasure was watching Dean’s face light up as if it were Christmas.

            “Thank you-....I don’t have any money…” Dean admitted quietly, his face full of shame.      

            “Eh it’s alright kid, you eat up.” Benny nodded, handing him a glass and filling it with water. “I’ll be back, I gotta make that phone call, don’t you go rushing out of here now, ya hear?”

            “Yeah.” Dean nodded at him before digging into his meal as if it were going to grow a pair of legs and run away from him.

            “Don’t choke,” he added firmly, pointing a finger at Dean before turning to step into the back to call Ezra. Benny paused to check the time, it was early but Ezra had the habit of waking up before dawn. The phone rang only once before Ezra’s accent, which Benny was convinced that the man refused to rid himself of, filtered through the receiver.

            “Hello?”

            “Good morning Ezra, this is Benny Lafitte-,” he said as cheerfully as this early hour allowed.

            “Benny? Oh-...well good morning...I won’t lie, you are definitely the last person I had envisioned that could have been on the other end of the line. What can I do for you?”

            “I do not mean to bother you, I realize it is early...and this is going to sound probably insane but a boy just walked into my diner...claims his name is Dean Winchester, he’s a young thing, no more n’fifteen is my wager. He wanted to take the dishwasher job, I had him sit down and eat something-”

            “And you want to know if I can take him in?” Ezra finished for him, his voice full of assurance and confidence.

            “No, no...I mean I suppose you would be more equipped than me-”

            “ _You_ want to take him in?” Ezra asked, again cutting him off.

            “He’s a skittish thing, I’d hate to pass him off like a piece of cattle. I’d sleep better at night knowing he’s got a place to live, eat, and be safe.” Benny paused, glancing over his shoulder to make sure that Dean was in fact still sitting and eating. He could only shake his head at the thin boy who was now staring at an empty plate with a vast amount of sadness, as if he were mourning the loss of his meal. “However, I’d want him to be in school, not sure how _plausible_ that’d be.”

            “He’s not related to you, I take it?”

            “No.”

            “Hmm that does...provide some difficulties but it can be done of course. It’s not _impossible_. Let me pull some strings, get you some paperwork...and we may have to make up a story, got it? Make him your nephew whose parents came into a tragic accident and you’re his only family left. Make sense?” Benny could hear Ezra shuffling around, most likely gathering his books and bag before he would have to go into work.

            “Thank you Ezra...your help is appreciated.”

            “Until then, keep him in sight and don’t let him wander. Okay? I’ll stop by the diner after work.”

            “Thanks.” Benny nodded, even though he knew Ezra could not actually see him make the gesture. “See you tonight.”

            “You’re a good guy Benny….really.” Ezra’s voice always changed when he smiled, which made Benny’s face burn slightly in embarrassment.

            “Yeah, yeah.” He hung up the phone before Ezra could make anymore comments, slowly returning to the front where some more of his regulars were beginning to filter in. He was almost bowled over by his waitress Jo, who was also late but Benny did not offer any comment on the matter, not when Dean looked as if he were ready to flee the premises. “You want somethin’ else?”

            Dean startled, almost jerking himself completely off of the stool. “Ugh-”

            “Hey Benny.”

            Benny slowly raised his eyes from Dean’s to smile softly at the pair that walked up to the counter to take up a spot right next to the poor kid. “Morning Ruby...Castiel.”

            Ruby smiled, picking up a menu, even though she ordered the same thing every morning. “Hey do you got chocolate chip pancakes today?” she asked him, not looking up from the menu.

            “Just like every mornin’ Ruby,” Benny replied, setting two glasses down in front of the teens, filling them both up with milk.

            “Awesome, then I want chocolate chip pancakes. What do you want Cas?”

            The dark haired and blue eyed boy who sat next to her shrugged, still peering over the menu. Castiel always had trouble picking anything out for himself, even when he had been coming to the diner ever since he had moved in with his grandmother a few years ago. “I dunno yet…”

            “You _never_ know, ugh you are so annoy-hi,” Ruby said suddenly, blinking a few times when she finally realized that there was a stranger sitting next to her. “Who are you?”

            Dean stammered a few times, slowly sliding away from her before replying. “Dean.”

            “I’m Ruby, this is Castiel Novak. You’re new around here, aren’t you?”

            “You’ve no idea,” Dean muttered in reply, his eyes slowly falling on the boy to Ruby’s left. He had dark hair that stood up in odd places as if he hadn’t bothered to comb it this morning, and his eyes were the kind of blue that made Dean think of new denim and cold mornings. They were the clearest and prettiest eyes Dean had ever seen on another human being.

            “Cas say hi,” Ruby whispered, nudging her friend’s ribs, which only made Castiel flinch and glare at her as if she had committed some grievous sin.

            “Hello,” Castiel finally said quietly, slowly turning his gaze back to the menu.

            “You make a decision yet Castiel?” Benny asked as he came back with Ruby’s chocolate chip pancakes, thankful for the slow morning and not being bombarded with orders.

            “I’ll just take some oatmeal and toast-”

            “Eww!” Ruby squealed, making Dean jump again at the noise. “You are so _boring_ Cas.”

            “I am not _boring_ ,” Castiel glowered in return, handing his menu back to Benny. “Please.”

            Benny nodded, shaking his head with a chuckle over the two at the counter. They were the oddest pairing of friends; Castiel with his reserved shyness, and Ruby with her overt extrovertedness made them for an odd couple. And poor Dean being completely blindsided by them was probably the oddest awakening one could have to Silverbay. By the time he returned with the oatmeal and toast, Ruby and Castiel were bickering like a married couple as usual. “ _Children_ ,” he tsked lightly. “You’re going to scare my customers away.”

            “Sorry Benny,” Castiel muttered automatically.

            “Yeah...sorry Benny…” Ruby nudged Castiel again, her way of having the final word on the matter, before shoveling more pancake into her mouth.            

            “You two make it to school on time and I’ll forgive ya both, go it?” Benny gave them both a firm finger, pointing between the two of them. “Don’t make me call Ezra.”

            “We’ll be on time, we swear,” Ruby practically whined, finishing off her pancakes. “Well...we’ll _be_ on time if Cas hurries up!”

            “I just got my food-” Castiel whimpered, glaring at Ruby when she gave him the same look she gave him every morning.

            “Well whatever, we’ve got twenty minutes and at least ten of those is walking to school so hurry it up!”

            “You yell at me every morning-”

            “Well you always take forever to order and then take even longer to eat-”

            “If you didn’t take forever on your hair and makeup-” Castiel began, trying to win this argument for once.

            “Hey _this_ ,” Ruby gestured at her face, “takes effort and time. We weren’t all born pretty like you and Freckles over here.”

            Dean practically choked on the glass of water that Benny had poured him, looking over at her in alarm. “Whoa-what-”

            “Shhh,” Ruby placed a finger against Dean’s lips, much to his surprise and worry. “Just accept it...seriously, Cas let’s go.” Ruby removed her wallet and laid some cash down on the counter before hopping down off of the stool. “Let’s _go_ -”

            Castiel sighed, taking one last bite of his oatmeal, having not finished it or even started on his toast. “I hate you….bye Benny...bye Dean.”

            Benny nodded, picking up their plates to take back to the kitchen. He glanced back at Dean who was still watching Castiel and Ruby head down the sidewalk. He couldn’t help but smile a little and hope that Dean had somehow made a set of strange but also good friends.

 

 

xxxx

           

           “Hello Benny,” Ezra called as he walked into Benny’s diner, smiling warmly. He had gotten the paperwork that was necessary for Benny to fill out as much as he could and then Ezra would fill in the gaps. “How was your day?”

           “Long,” Benny replied as he wiped the counter down for the upteenth time today. “Very, very long. How was yours?”

           “Oh it was alright I suppose...so where is this young man?” Ezra peered around the diner but there were no signs of a fifteen year old boy, so Ezra slowly walked over to sit on the stool, laying a manila folder down. “I got your paperwork from the school, and we’re going to have to wing some numbers but I think we can do this.”

            “He’s upstairs, asleep...I fed him and sent him to get some decent shut eye, kid hasn’t slept well for a few weeks. At least I assume he’s asleep, he was the last time I checked on him. Thanks for the help, again.” Benny offered Ezra a smile, leaning forward against the counter that separated them, peering over the paperwork as Ezra pulled it free. “So, what do I need to fill out?”

            “Ah well, here is some transfer paperwork that the school will require, we’re going to have to pull some...shady strings if you don’t mind being a tad illegal...I mean you have no guardianship over him and you don’t have his social security number or any relevant information... _so_ , we’re going to make a backstory and you’re going to have to stick to it. Both of you. Got it?” Ezra began to point out places where Benny needed to sign.

            “Didn’t we agree that he was my, what? Nephew? His parents came into an accident-”

            “Right. Right, I remember now. Excellent. Birth date...hmm….we’ll call it today, what is the date anyway?” Ezra slid the pen into his mouth, chewing on the end absentmindedly.

            “August twenty-eighth,” Benny replied, placing a hand on his cheek, watching Ezra write in neat penmanship.

            “Right...ugh I swear to God I’d lose my head if it weren’t attached to me most days.” The younger man shook his head, running a hand through the dark curls that fluffed up when he pulled at them.

            Benny nodded in understanding, watching Ezra push his glasses up so he could rub his eyes. “You look like you could use a decent amount of sleep too.”

            “Yeah, well...kids are ruthless and so is the American education system. I work long days that hardly ever end and yet most people think I am underworked and overpaid. It _amazes_ me really.”

            “What?”

            “How little I am paid and how skewed the populace’s view of how much I _am_ paid are-...sorry, here I am bitching...teacher problems.” He glanced up at Benny, offering him a friendly but tired smile. “Anyway, here, sign this.”

            “You know you can complain to me all you like, comes in my job description, pretty sure with all of the drunks and loggers I get through here.” Benny pulled a pen from his pocket to sign where Ezra pointed.

            “Right...damn, I apologize again for being so obnoxious...but that’s all I need from you….I’ll drop this stuff off with me in the morning if you like, you’ll get a phone call in a few days I hope. I’ll vouch for you if you like.”

            Benny nodded, sliding the papers back into the manila folder. “Thanks again Ezra.”

            “No problem...now if you excuse me, I have to get back to the house, I’m sure Ruby has caused enough havoc at the Novak household for one evening.” Ezra stood and gave Benny a small wave before leaving, the bell tingling on his way out.

            Benny smiled to himself before going to lock the door for the night, flipping the sign over to CLOSED. He walked through the diner to the back staircase which led to the small apartment that he had up above the diner. If Dean stayed with him they would have to move back to the house he had out in the remote mountains where he ran a small horse farm. The house had more than one bedroom which would be necessary for the two of them. Especially with one being a hungry, growing, teenage boy.

            He could hear the TV running softly by the time he came to the apartment door, opening it slowly so as not to startle Dean. “Hey you’re awake,” he said as he walked into the apartment, offering Dean a friendly smile. “You sleep alright, Kid?”     

            “Yeah,” Dean muttered, quickly sitting up, looking paranoid and as if he could flee from terror. “I’m sorry-I got bored…”

            “What are you apologizing for, hm?” Benny walked over, slowly sinking down onto his favorite chair, keeping his distance for Dean’s sake.

            “I didn’t mean to touch anything…”

            “Well, seeing as you’re going to be staying here, this is your home too now-”

            “It’s not my home,” Dean replied quietly, shuffling in his seat nervously. “I don’t have a home.”

            “And why’s that?”

            “Cuz I don’t...I don’t belong anywhere….”

            Benny frowned, leaning forward towards Dean, concern in his eyes. “That why you ran away? You think you don’t belong anywhere? You can belong here Dean-”

            “No I can’t. I can’t _belong_ anywhere, okay?! I’ve never belonged, not at  home, not with my Dad, not anywhere!” The glare that Dean cast over at Benny made the older man flinch, surprised that such a young man could produce some vehemence. “Just...forget it okay? Just forget it. It’s whatever...I won’t touch the TV again-”

            “Dean,” Benny said the name sternly, giving him a firm glance. “I know you’re alone and you’re afraid but I want to help you-”

            “Why? Why you wanna help me for? You some weirdo perv who wants me to get on his knees for him, because I ain’t suckin anyone’s dick.”

            Benny blinked a few times, taken aback. “No Dean, that isn’t why I want to help you...I want to help you because someone needs to, and you came to me for a job, I couldn’t just turn you out into the world alone. Understand?”

            “I guess,” Dean mumbled, holding his hands in his lap. “I’m hungry…”

            Benny gave Dean a quick nod before getting up to see what he had left in the fridge. “You want anything in particular?”

            “Not really...I’m not picky.” Dean shrugged, slowly turning so he could watch Benny over the back of the couch.

            “How’s macaroni and cheese sound, hm?”

            “Delicious.”

            Benny nodded again, putting on a pot of water to boil. What kind of life had Dean been living when his first assumption was that he wanted Dean to give him sexual favors? “When’s the last time you seen a doctor, Dean?”

           Dean snorted in response, slowly turning back around to watch the TV. “I dunno...long time I guess. My Dad moved us around a lot, don’t remember the last time I saw a doctor. Why?” Dean frowned, turning to give Benny a skeptical look.

          “Well, you’re what? Fifteen?”

          “Yeah…”

          “Should probably see a doctor...besides,” Benny turned to look back at Dean. “You assuming that I want you to give me sexual favors...well that concerns me.”

           Dean glared at Benny, pouting like only a little boy could. “I haven’t _done_ anything, if that’s what you mean-...got a lot of fucking offers though, fucking weirdos….”

          “Still, gonna get you to a doctor pronto, got it?” Benny slowly mixed the macaroni and cheese up before adding some hot dog pieces to go along with the meal. It was a teenage special. “Dinner’s ready.”

         “Awesome.” Dean jumped up and practically climbed over the couch to get to the bowl that Benny offered him. “Oh sweet, hot dogs. Thanks man.”

         Benny chuckled, allowing Dean to clean out the bowl and leaving the extra in the pot. “I’m gonna take a shower and hit the hay. You can take my bed if you want-”

         “No, no it’s okay, I don’t mind channel surfing on the couch. You sleep in your bed...thanks Benny. Really, thanks.” Dean smiled, eagerly digging into his dinner.

         “You’re welcome Kid.” Benny dared to lay his hand on Dean’s head, patting and scruffing up his hair before heading back to his bedroom door. “Try to get some more sleep, okay?”

         “Okay.” Dean raised his hand in a wave, quickly cleaning out the bowl and going to get the rest of the macaroni and cheese. Soon, he was back on the couch, under the blanket Benny had given him earlier during his nap, curled up to watch TV. The time flashed 9:45 on the TV’s cable box. Sammy would be in bed he hoped...of course he wasn’t really sure if there was a time difference between here and Kansas. If Sammy was even _in_ Kansas. John Winchester would probably move Sam away from Kansas as soon as possible so Dean could no longer try and contact them. Tears filled his eyes as he thought of Sammy and how he could no longer hold him as they went to bed at night in the back of the Impala or in a questionable hotel bed. That was his biggest regret, leaving Sammy behind. He just hoped that one day Sam would understand, and they would find each other again.

         Soon Dean’s eyes were heavy with sleep and his head was sleepily lolling towards the arm of the couch. “Night Sammy,” he whispered, cuddling the blanket as tightly as he could manage, pretending that it was Sam. But no matter how much he wished, the blanket never turned into his kid brother. Not even in his dreams.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

             “Hey, you’re Dean right?” Ruby watched the kid with the worn out AC/DC t-shirt drag some heavy trash bags back towards the alley that led to the dumpsters behind the diner.

            “Ugh...yeah-and you’re Ruby...right?” Dean looked Ruby over, trying to commit her face to his memory. She had blonde hair, which today she wore in loose ringlets, and her eyes were sharp and intelligent. Clearly, there was an autonomous and smart human being behind the snark and makeup.

            “Yep! What are you _doing_?” Ruby frowned, tilting her head to the side as Dean continued to struggle and drag the trash bags. “Does Benny have a dead body in there or something?”

            “No-it’s just heavy-I got it-hey-I said I got it-” Dean tried to protest but Ruby was already reaching to help him lift the bag and waddle it back to the dumpster. “Shouldn’t you be flinching away from garbage or something?”

            “What misogynistic world do _you_ live in?”

            “Sorry...just figured you being a girl and all-”

            “Yeah I’m gonna stop you right there, okay?” Ruby rolled her eyes, wiping her hands off on her blue jeans. “Seriously, insert foot in mouth.”

            “Sorry.” Dean shrugged, walking back with her towards the front of the diner again. “Where’s your shadow?”

            “Castiel?”

            “Yeah I think that was his name, you guys come in like every morning together.” Dean paused to face her, making sure not to stand in anyone’s way as they came and went. He had only been with Benny for a few days, he was pretty sure it had been five, but he already felt like this was his diner too. That every effort he made was not just to serve Benny but it somehow served him too.

            “It’s Saturday, he’s at a dance competition.”

            “A..a what?” Dean frowned, giving her the most skeptical look he could muster. What kind of guy went to _dance_ competitions?

            “Dance? Ever heard of it before? What, did you live under a rock before coming here to live with your uncle or something?” Ruby rolled her eyes, crossing her arms across her chest slowly, hip cocked to the side.

            Dean glowered at her, grabbing the door handle of the diner, prepared to go back inside. “ _No_ ,” he snapped, trying to defend himself. “But why would a _guy_ be going to a dance competition?”

            “Um the dancer kind? Castiel _dances_ , moron. He’s really good too, don’t knock it until you’ve seen him lift up other guys above his head, _and_ you’ve seen him shirtless. Once you’ve seen him without a shirt on-oh _man_ -” Ruby cut off, fanning herself dramatically. “That boy is made of chiseled marble, I swear to Christ and all that is Holy. Too bad he plays for _your_ team and not  mine.”

            Dean was about to go inside but he paused, his back facing Ruby now, staring into the diner. “Cas is gay?”

            “Yeah, everyone knows that,” Ruby replied as if that were the most obvious answer. “Why, are you a misogynist _and_ a homophobe or something?”            

            “Anyone ever tell you that you’re annoying as hell?” Dean snapped in return before heading back inside to wash his hands and get back to doing whatever Benny asked him to do.

            “Tomorrow we get to go into the school, you get to take an aptitude test, see where you belong all that fun jazz,” Benny told him as he slid behind the counter again. “Okay?”

            “Yeah sure.” Dean shrugged, not caring for school all that much. He had never been able to stay in one place long enough to actually attend a school for a significant amount of time. Besides, school had never been a priority or a virtue in the Winchester household.

            “It’ll probably take the majority of the day-”

            “Okay whatever,” he snapped, cutting Benny off before going back towards the kitchen. He never meant to sound snarky or annoyed but he was still getting used to the idea of having someone genuinely care about him and his whereabouts. He was really just waiting for the wool to be pulled back from over his eyes, the camera to stop rolling, and the rug to be yanked out from under his feet. This was not his life and he did not have anyone that cared about him. Except Sammy that is, but Sammy was God knows where and Dean could not stop beating himself up over leaving his younger brother behind.

            Dean glared at the plates that were just sitting in the sink ready to be washed. He could hear Benny calling for him but he just ignored the summons. The plates broke easily against the tiled floor and it was not until he felt Benny’s hands going to his shoulders to shake him gently that he realized that there were tears in his eyes and blood on his hands.

            “Dean? Dean can you hear me? Dean-” Benny gently shook Dean some more, his hand going up to cup the back of Dean’s neck in an attempt to steady the boy. “There you are.”

            “Benny-I-I’m sorry-” Dean stared at the mess he had made, almost falling to his knees to start cleaning it up but Benny had him by the arms, preventing him from collapsing.

            “Shhh, come here.” Benny steered Dean to a sink that he did not use for dishwashing, turning on some cool water to rinse Dean’s hands clean, carefully removing pieces of glass that had become lodged in the kid’s hands. One arm wrapped under Dean’s arms kept him from falling and jerking away from the pain. “There, there, shhh it’s okay.”

            “I’m _sorry_ -”

            “I know, I know. It’s alright.” Dean’s hands, once cleaned, Benny wrapped them gently into clean towels. “I want you to head upstairs and I’ll be up there in just a moment. Keep these on your hands.”

            Dean stared at Benny brokenly, unwanted and shameful tears breaking his voice. “I’m sorry-”

            “Shhh,” Benny placed a finger to Dean’s lips. “Go on.” He watched Dean go, before poking his head back out to the front, which was blessedly slow for the moment. “Jo, will you come and clean this glass, I have to go wrap up his hands.”

            “Yeah sure Benny.” Jo gave him a thumbs up before sliding past him to go clean up the mess. “He okay?”

            The easy thing would have been to lie but if he started lying to himself now about Dean’s mental stability, he would just keep lying, so he told Jo no. Dean was not okay and that was easy to see now. Benny sighed, nodding at his customers, who were all whispering amongst each other, before heading upstairs. They would all talk of course, that was what small towns did, but Benny didn’t mind as long as the rumors did not fester into ugly, wounded lies. Dean was sitting on the couch, tears slowly sliding down his nose, his hands still in the towels when Benny made his way into the apartment.

            “Benny-” Dean gave him a pained look, fear in his eyes.

            “Shh, it’s alright Dean, it’s alright. Things happen, plates get broken all the damn time, don’t worry about it so much. You stay there.” Benny walked past Dean and off to the bathroom to bring back a small first aid kit, pulling up a chair to sit in front of Dean, inspecting his hands over. The cuts were not deep but they would require thorough cleaning and dressing. “I need you to be honest with me, do you understand? I know you’re a private guy, I respect that, but you’re also a minor and you’re on the verge of having a break down. So I need you to be as honest as you can wtih me from now on. Understand?”

            Dean sniffled and nodded because he did understand, but he never did well with his feelings or with the truth. All of his life he had been taught to lie, lie, and _lie_. Truths did not come easily to his lips. “I’m a bad person,” he finally whispered.

            “For breaking some plates? That don’t make you a bad person Dean-”

            “No-......I lied to you….well...I half lied...my Mom? She’s dead, she’s been dead for a long time...since I was four...but-but my Dad is still alive and he’s got my little brother...Sam….”

            “How old is Sam?” Benny prompted gently as he cleaned Dean’s hands, holding him still even as he felt Dean flinch.

            “Eleven.”

            “Well, the road is not a place for an eleven year old...not for a fifteen year old either but especially someone that young. I’m not sayin’ you made the right choice Dean but your choice could’ve been worse.”

            “But I _left_ him,” Dean said, angry with himself. “I _left_ Sammy behind...and I don’t think he’s gotten my postcards and the phone number don’t work no more….”

            Benny paused when he heard Dean’s voice threaten to break again, wanting to pull Dean into his arms and let the poor kid cry his heart out, but he had a feeling that Dean did not cry often due to how hard he was fighting it even now. “Dean,” he whispered, speaking in low and easy tones, just like he did with frightened horses. “I need you to listen to me and listen good. Can you do that?”

            “Benny-”

            “Can you do that?” When Dean nodded, Benny nodded as well, going back to working on his hands, slowly wrapping them in bandages. “You’re a fifteen year old kid who ran away from home for reasons I’m not quite sure about...but after that display in the kitchen, I’m going to assume whatever made you leave was not pleasant and you’re afraid to go back to your father...Leaving your brother behind does not make you a bad person Dean, you were afraid and you made this decision to keep yourself alive. I need you to do me a favor...I need you to stop beating yourself up over your little brother, and I need you to live _your_ life, and keep yourself going for his sake. When you get older, and when you graduate high school, I will personally help you find your brother...but I need you to focus on yourself right now because you’re too young to be worrying so much over something you have no control over. Does that sound fair to you?”

            Dean shook his head over and over throughout Benny’s speech, glaring at his wounded hands. “No...no I can’t-I made a _promise_. I made a promise to my Mom before she died, I told her I’d look after Sammy-”

            “Dean you were four years old, a four year old is not bound to his promises at fifteen. I promise.” Benny slowly released Dean’s hands once they were bandaged, going to place his hands on either side of Dean’s face, cradling him gingerly, in case Dean recoiled from the affection. “Your Mother would have never asked something so vast of you, I can promise you that.”

            “I failed her-”

            “ _No_. No you did not. You are not your brother’s keeper, and you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Do you understand?”

            Dean bit his lip, his shoulders shaking with the effort to not cry. “I-”

            “It’s okay to cry Dean.”

            “No, no it’s not...it’s a stupid, pussy thing to do-” Dean angrily wiped his eyes, pulling away from Benny’s touch.

            “Who told you that?”

            “My Dad…”    

            “Well I need you to forget anything your Dad’s told you...because he’s been tellin’ you _wrong_ boy. There is nothing wrong with crying, it’s not a sign of weakness. We come into this world crying, and ever since then it’s a sign to show that we’re _alive_ Dean. I’d be more worried if you _weren’t_ crying. Don’t feel shame in crying Dean, it’s not a shameful gesture. Men can cry too.” Benny reached up to hold Dean’s face again, cupping him more firmly, and he could feel Dean press into his hands eagerly as he was clearly starved for affection.

            Dean gasped, practically falling against Benny, a sob wrenching free against his own volition. Once the levees broke, he could not stop crying, so he was thankful that Benny simply wrapped his arms around him and held him. Benny, a man he barely knew, had shown him more affection in the past five days than his own father ever had for the past fifteen years. Dean did not know how to accept love and affection; he did not know how to feel cared for, or to care about himself. This was not something that was easy for him because he had been a grown man since the age of four. He had never been a child. “I’m sorry-” he whispered brokenly, clinging to Benny’s shirt as tightly as his injured hands would allow.

            “Ain’t nothin’ to apologize for Dean,” Benny answered, rubbing Dean’s back slowly. “I need you to be a _kid_ , not an adult. Kids make mistakes, and so do adults. I’m a grown ass man and I make mistakes daily, and you are a young kid. You are allowed to make mistakes Dean, I _expect_ some mistakes to come outta you, ya hear?”

            “I don’t know how,” Dean muttered after a long pause. “Be a kid that is...I was never allowed to be.”

            “Well, you are now. In fact, I demand it.” Benny kept his arms around Dean, squeezing him tightly and rubbing his back in soothing circles. He had never had children but if he could have had a kid, he would have wanted them to be like Dean. Fate was so strange sometimes. “Got it?”

            “Yeah…” Dean nodded, slowly relaxing, the tears finally resolving into hiccups and tired shudders. “I’ll try.”

            “Good….you feel better, even if you only feel a little better?” Benny peered down at Dean slowly, rubbing his shoulders gently.

            “Yeah….sorry-” Dean blushed when he realized he had soaked Benny’s shirt with his crying.

            “No more apologizing unless you really need to.”

            “Right sor-.....I don’t know what to say if I can’t say sorry.” Dean gave Benny a sheepish look, slowly sitting back into his spot on the couch, rubbing the back of his neck.

            “That’s okay, you’ll figure it out eventually….you know, if I really did have a nephew I’d want him to be like you.” Benny smiled, patting Dean on the knee.

            The response Benny received was Dean rolling his eyes so hard that his entire body moved with the motion. “You’d have a sissy faggot for a nephew then.”

            “Wait-what?” Benny blinked a few times, taken aback by Dean’s negativity. “Dean there is nothing wrong with being gay.”

            “Oh really? Because I’ve got a scar on the side of my head that tells me otherwise,” the boy responded bitterly. “I’m a disappointment because I’m a sissy faggot, ask my Dad.”

            “I told you to forget what your Dad’s been tellin’ you...especially if he’s making remarks like _that_. There is nothing wrong with likin’ who you like Dean, you can like boys, girls, boys with girl parts, or girls with boy parts, I don’t give a damn. As long as you aren’t wanting to mount a damn sheep, I think we’re in the clear.”

            Dean’s face flushed dark red, his freckles standing out starkly against the blush. “Yeah well I like boys with boy parts…”

            Benny shrugged, slowly standing. “Me too, don’t see me as a sissy faggot do ya?”

            Dean looked up at him in shock. “Wait-you’re-”

            “Yeah. Been a lonely life in this town but,” Benny shrugged, walking over to wash his hands and put the first aid kit back in place.

            Dean stammered some more, before clambering up to follow Benny, stopping short before just waltzing into the guy’s bedroom, standing in the doorway instead as Benny fiddled in the bathroom. “So you don’t care that I’m a gay then?”

            “Well that’d make me a walking hypocrite, don’t you think?” Benny asked, peering around the corner at him.

            “...so if I like...liked a guy...who also happened to be gay…” He slowly drifted off, thinking of Castiel’s pretty blue eyes, and wondering what they would look like from Castiel being on his knees.

            Benny shrugged, coming around the corner, wiping his hands clean on a towel. “Does this boy happen to have blue eyes and brown hair?”

            “What makes you think that?!” Dean stared at Benny in wonder, hoping he was not so transparent.  

            “Most guys don’t stare at other guys like you do,” Benny replied gently. “But maybe that’s just because I know what it’s like to stare at an attractive man….my advice is that you don’t just rush in and sleep with him. Castiel’s got a reputation in this town, I’d look into it before you make a decision for yourself.”

            “Reputation?”

            Benny nodded, solemn all of a sudden. “Ask Ruby, she’ll tell you...it ain’t my place to say. Now I need to get back to work, you can stay up here or go out and take a look around the town. But you follow your curfew, which is ten. Okay?”

            Dean nodded quickly, turning to grab his light jacket. He had yet to actually wander the town yet and with the opportunity in his face, he would not be saying no. “I’ll be back before then probably...thanks...again.”

            “Don’t mention it. Hey-” Benny paused, removing his wallet to give Dean some cash. “Just in case, okay?”

            Dean stared at the money, surprised that he was being entrusted with more than a handful of ones. That was definitely a twenty dollar bill in Benny’s hand. “Thanks…” Taking the money slowly, Dean pocketed the bill into the inside pocket of his jacket before hurrying back downstairs. He even ignored the stares he received from the customers, whom he had a feeling had all been talking about his episode. He’d worry about it later. Right now, he was hoping to find Ruby again, he had some questions for her.

 

xxxx

 

            Smoke rings were not easy to produce and Ruby had been learning slowly since she had picked up smoking, which both Castiel and Ezra would kill her if she were caught. Of course, that was why Ruby spent her time smoking at the local park, laying upside down against a tree, watching the clouds pass overhead. The local kids used to come here to play on the equipment but it was all falling apart and graffitied over, so their parents had stopped bringing their children to the park years ago. Ruby didn’t mind, she’d rather smoke in peace instead of being yelled at by adults who needed to mind their own business.

            “You know those are super bad for your health, right?”

            Ruby slowly opened her eyes to meet Dean’s, a frown burrowing between her eyebrows. He stood above her, a smirk on his perfect, pouty lips. “Hi to you too...how’d you find me?”

            “Just taking a walk, saw you from up there, figured I’d come hang out if you didn’t mind...I guess..” Dean shrugged, slowly sinking down on the ground next to her, legs crossed. “Mind if I have one?”

            “You smoke?” Ruby asked, pulling out a cigarette for him anyway.

            “Sometimes, yeah. Thanks.” Dean accepted the smoke, using her lighter to light up and take a slow drag, leaning back against the tree that Ruby had her legs up against. “So this what you do when your husband isn’t around to follow you?”

            “Yep basically,” Ruby replied, staring up at the sky as the clouds slowly drifted. “Why are you so interested in what I do, anyway?”

            “I’m not,” Dean snapped, looking down at her, flicking some ash from his cigarette down to the ground. “I do have a question for you though.”

            “What?”

            “What sort of reputation does Castiel have in this freaking town, anyway?” Dean tried not to sound overly interested in Castiel’s reputation, since he did not really want people knowing that he found the guy attractive. It wasn’t like it was anyone’s business anyway.

            “Why? What have you heard?”

            “I dunno, just that he’s got a rep is all.” Dean shrugged, having a feeling that whatever reputation Castiel _did_ have was not a pleasant one.

            “You know how teenage boys are, they wanna be straight but they also wanna get blowjobs from the pretty gay kid, so Castiel gives head a lot, it’s not like it’s anyone’s fucking business what he does or who he fucking does it with. Read the bathroom walls at the school, they all say ‘Cas gives great head’ or ‘Cas is a Blow Queen’. But it’s not really my business or anyone else’s either.”

            “So he’s a slut?” Dean asked without thinking twice about the question or who he was talking to.

            Ruby cast him a cold glare, tempted to press her cigarette right into his arm but she refrained, narrowing her eyes instead. “Watch your mouth Dean or I’ll light your ass up.”

            Dean flinched, slowly looking down at the ground. “Sorry-I didn’t..I didn’t mean it like that…”

           “Don’t let him hear you call him that, got it? I mean yeah a lot of people call him a slut, a whore, a bitch, insert your favorite degrading term here, but...don’t call him that, okay? Just because he’s good at giving head doesn't make him a whore.” Ruby sighed, finishing off her cigarette before grinding it into the ground next to her side. “I mean I tell him that he’s worth more than a quickie in the gross ass bathroom but he doesn’t listen, and again, it’s not really my business to tell him what he should do with his body.”

          “Yeah…” Dean glanced up at the sky, unsure of whether it bothered him or not that Castiel was apparently easy. Maybe that would make hooking up easier, and there was nothing wrong with getting a good blowjob. “Why’s he like that?”

         “What do you mean?”

          “I mean why does he give it up that easy?” Dean looked down at Ruby, blowing some more smoke as he finally finished the cigarette off.

          “I don’t know, I think it has to do with rebelling or something, but what do I know?” Ruby shrugged, stretching and arching upwards as she did.

         “He just doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to do something like that?” Dean shrugged, even though he did not know Castiel very well, he came off like a shy and nervous nerdy guy.

        “Well he does, just don’t tell him I told you, okay? Pretend to figure it out yourself. I mean he’s only really okay with talking about it with me, so seriously don’t tell him I told you” Ruby sat up then, placing her hands on the ground to slowly ease herself up to her feet, using Dean’s shoulder as support. “I gotta go, but I’ll see you later Freckles.”

           Dean rolled his eyes, watching her go, his eyes glued to her ass. She did have a nice butt that was easy enough to see, but that did not stop him from wishing Castiel would blow him until his lungs ached. Ruby was right about one thing, it was no one’s business what Castiel did and did not do with his body. He had a feeling that everyone _did_ make it their business however, but he wouldn’t really know firsthand until he had a chance to take this stupid aptitude test tomorrow. He did _not_ look forward to the test because he was a complete idiot and he was not ready for a test to tell him and everyone else that was indeed stupid. He was just a grunt, nothing else. A good little soldier who fell in line and did as he was told.

            Dean pushed against the ground, slowly hauling himself upright to stagger out of the park and back into town. There were too many weird and kitschy stores in this town, but the people were relatively friendly. Even if they all did stare at him as if he were a pagan heathen spawned from the deepest bowels of Hell. Not that he cared, they could stare all they wanted, and talk all the talk they wanted because he was the only one who knew the truth about why he had left, and why he was here. He could have picked a worse town, there were not that many complaints, at least not yet.

         The twenty dollar bill was burning a hole in his pocket, but he was not sure if he could just spend it at his leisure, even though he wanted to. His father had never entrusted him with large amounts of money; he had always been given a few dollars and change to keep Sammy fed, and sometimes he would have extra to feed himself too, but not often. Twenty dollars was the largest amount he had ever been given and it was all for him to spend. But maybe he would hold onto the money, just in case something came up like Benny had said. Somehow, he ended up back at the diner after only being out for a few hours, but he didn’t mind the work, it was better than being stuck in a hotel room for hours on end that was for sure.

       “Back so soon?” Benny asked him as he walked into the diner, excusing himself to come behind the counter again.

      “Yeah, not much to look at around here I guess.” Dean shrugged, going for the back staircase so he could drop his coat off back in the apartment.

      Benny smiled, knowing full well that this town was not a good place for teenagers to get into trouble or have fun in. Most of the kids that wanted to have a good time would head off to the mountains, which Benny could only hope that Dean would not end up doing later on. Teens died up there too often and Benny did not want to get the phone call at four the morning to come and identify Dean’s body.

           “Am I still allowed to work when I go to school?” Dean asked as he came around the corner again, ready to go start bussing tables.

            “Depends on how well you do with your homework,” Benny replied, watching as Dean went to clear a table.

            “Ugh figures, I suck at school,” was Dean’s reply as he went.

            “I’m sure you’ll do fine.” Benny waved Dean’s response off, taking a look around and waving as his last customer headed back out into the heat. “I’m gonna go do inventory, don’t light the place on fire.”

            “Whatever.” Dean rolled his eyes, clearing off the last table, wiping it down with a clean rag before carrying the bin of dirty dishes back to the kitchen for washing. Once the dishes were scraped and into the dishwasher, Dean went to go sit out front, staring out the large front window, watching the people walk by. His mind wandered to Sam, wondering where and what his little brother could be doing right now, which was basically an endless list. Dean hardly ever prayed, it was just the same as begging in his book, but he said a silent prayer for his little brother. One day, he hoped he would see Sam again, and they could forgive each other. Until then, Dean could only hope that Sam survived because when you were a Winchester, that was the only option available. Survive or die, there was no inbetween.

 

xxxx

 

           “So how’d it _go_?” Ruby sang at Castiel as he walked up to the porch where she had been sitting for an hour.

          “First place,” Castiel replied with a smile, slowly sitting down next to her. “In my age group, I placed first, and our company basically cleared house. We were really awesome.”

         “ _Told_ you.” Ruby smiled at Castiel, ruffling his hair as he gave her a sheepish grin in return. “And you were _so_ worried, I knew you had worried for absolutely nothing. So, what’s the likelihood we can sneak out of here later?”

         “Ruby…” Castiel gave Ruby the _look_ , the one where she knew he was disapproving of her actions.

        “Oh come on, it’s one silly party, what’s the big deal? We have school on Monday but tonight is Saturday and you’re _home_ , so we still have time to go-”

         “Yeah but I’m exhausted, I’ve been dancing all day or did you forget?” Castiel asked, giving his friend a skeptical stare. He was not one for parties but somehow he still ended up going with her more often than he liked.

        “ _Please_ Cas? Please? It’ll be fun.” Ruby batted her eyelashes at him, giving him a huge charming smile. “I’ll owe you if you come with me.”

       “Ugh _fine_...but we have to wait for my grandma to be asleep or I have to see if I can stay over at your house tonig-”

       “Already asked her, she said you could because you “work so hard”, so go pack up your shit. You can shower and change at my place...wear something cute, please.” Ruby giggled when Castiel rolled his eyes and made his way inside the house so he could gather his overnight bag together. The real problem would be trying to sneak out once Ezra was in bed, asleep. Luckily, he went to sleep early and once he had his sleeping pill, he would be out like a light.

      Castiel made his way back out of the house five minutes later, a duffle bag full of clothing and belongings over his shoulder, still wearing his dance sweats. “Ready?”

     “Baby I was _born_ ready,” Ruby purred, hopping down the steps to the ground in one leap, staggering to keep her balance. “Too bad _Dean_ won’t be there.”

      “Why did you say his name like that?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow as they started to walk down the sidewalk towards Ezra’s house.

       “Like what?”

       “Like you know something I don’t know.”

        “It’s kinda obvious that you like him, you get all pink and flustered.” Ruby nudged Castiel’s ribs as they walked, giving him an exaggerated wink. “You have a thing for the mystery boy.”

      “I do _not_! Sure, I think he’s attractive, but that’s because I’m not blind, not because I’m gay. I don’t want to get it on with every guy in the county Ruby.” He rolled his eyes again, annoyed with Ruby’s assumption that he had a crush on the new guy. So what if he was attractive? There were plenty of attractive guys at school, and it was not as if he had hooked up with _all_ of them. A lot of them, sure, but not _all_ of them.

      “Yeah but he’s tall, dark, and mysterious. Emphasis on the mysterious part,” Ruby countered, rushing ahead of him to get the door unlocked as they came upon Ezra’s small house.

      “So?” Castiel followed her into the house, sliding his shoes off at the door since he knew Ezra was picky about what could and could not go onto the carpeted areas of the house. “Why do you want me to like him so much?”

     “I didn’t say I wanted you to, I just figured you would is all….whatever, calm down, dang. Go take a shower, grumpy.”

      “I’m not grumpy,” he muttered to himself before making his way up the stairs to the bathroom, bag in tow. He did not _like_ Dean, he didn’t even _know_ Dean; hell he didn’t even know if Dean was straight, bi, gay, or anything else in between. Not that that ever really stopped him from wanting to give guys’ blowjobs before, and with Dean he wanted something else, something deeper. But Dean was a stranger in their town, the guys he gave head to were guys he had grown up with, went to the same school with for years. He knew them, and he knew which ones were secretly gay and which ones just wanted to try it out. He also knew which of them just wanted someone to get off on, he wasn’t stupid. And he was not grumpy damn it.

     “Cas, why do you take like fifty thousand years to shower?” Ruby called through the bathroom door, leaning against the opposite wall.

    “Why do you care?” he called in return, rinsing off.

    “Because no one should be allowed to take a forty-five minute shower that’s why-”

     “It has not been forty-five minutes!”

     “Sure it has, and if it hasn’t, it sure as hell will be if I let you stay in there any longer. You’re going to prune and be all gross, come on-”

     Castiel groaned audibly before shutting the water off. “Happy?!”

      “Yes! Remember wear something-”

      “Nice, yeah I know. I’ve been to parties before Ruby, it’s not like I’m stupid.” Castiel grabbed a towel, slowly stepping out of the shower to dry himself off, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He had never considered himself attractive before, not until the first guy he had ever sucked off had called him pretty. Now he was just used to thinking that he was pretty, even if he wasn’t sure if he believed that to be true. Girls were pretty, and he was most definitely not a girl, and he was just Castiel Novak. A plain guy with dark hair, long legs, and blue eyes.

      “Cas _come on_ , what are you doing in there, jerking it?” Ruby called, banging against the door to startle him.

     “Can’t a guy get dressed in privacy?” Castiel rolled his eyes, drying off with the towel some more before digging through his bag for a clean pair of underwear.  He glanced at the door to make sure it was locked before finally pulling out a pair of boy shorts, striped blue and white. He couldn’t remember when he had first started wearing girls’ undergarments rather than boxers or briefs, but he hardly ever wore anything else now. These were one of his favorite pairs of panties, they were comfortable and they made his butt look nice, but that did not mean that he wanted Ruby walking on him either. He didn’t show or tell anyone about the panties, but then again no one had ever offered to explore below his waistline before either.

     Ruby leaned back against the wall some more, filing her nails slowly, raising her gaze when Castiel finally opened the bathroom door. “Oh I like the sweater, Sweaters.”

    “Sweaters?”

      “Yeah, that’s who you were in my phone for the longest time because I couldn’t remember your name. Figured I’d start calling you that because it is appropriate….anyway, let’s get some grub and watch some Lord of the Rings or something. Ezra will be back late, so he’ll probably come in, grab something to eat, and then go pass out. Lucky us.”

      Castiel nodded, slowly following Ruby back to her room to drop his bag off and then downstairs to wait for her to bring food over. “What time are we getting out of here?”

     “Um probably nine,” Ruby replied, bringing over a bowl of chips, handing it to him.

     “Kay.” Castiel smiled, eagerly shoving chips into his mouth. “God I haven’t eaten since this morning.”

     “What do they do? Starve you while you’re there? Sounds like a terrible idea.” Ruby walked back over to the kitchen to pop some pizza rolls into the microwave.

     “I don’t have time to eat between dances, I’m basically dancing the whole time I’m there.” Castiel shrugged, shoving more chips into his mouth.

     “Fuck that noise, I have to eat. Food is my passion, especially fries and pizza rolls. I would sell my soul for pizza rolls.” Ruby smiled, only half joking as she slid into her spot on the couch, a plate full of tasty pizza rolls in her lap.

    “Yeah you would,” Castiel agreed with the same smile, practically mirroring her expression. “So, you wanna take bets on who’s gonna ask me to give them head at this party?”

     “Oh I can already tell you,” Ruby assured him. “Ash is gonna be there and so is Henriksen. They’ll ask for certs and so will Adam if he’s there.”

     “Last time I gave Ash a blowjob he fucked my face, it was _not_ comfortable.” Castiel pulled a sickened face, wrapping his hands around his throat, squeezing slightly. “Practically choked me to death. He didn’t even _ask_ , he just fucking did it. Why are guys such assholes?”

    “Beats me, last time I gave a guy a BJ he shoved his dick so far down my throat I gagged, and I hardly _ever_ gag, you know? Fucking prick, I hate guys so much. I prefer ladies myself.” Ruby waggled her eyebrows at him suggestively.

    “Since when are you into girls?” Castiel reached for a pizza roll, popping it into his mouth and then regretting the decision as the hot cheese scalded the inside of his mouth. “Fuck-”

      Ruby burst into giggle fits, torn between laughing at him and asking him if he needed something to drink. “Oh my gosh are you okay?” When he nodded a few times, she had to bite back another laugh, smiling instead. “ _Anyway_ ,  I dunno...ever since you showed me that picture of your sister I guess.”

      If he hadn’t already burnt his mouth on the pizza roll, Castiel had a feeling he would have choked. “Are you serious? _Anna_?”

     “Yeah, she was super hot...and I think I’ve kinda always liked girls, ya know? I mean they’re cute, and I have a vagina, I know how it works...and girls are nicer and better at sex anyway, we know how to be gentle and rough the _right_ way.”

    “Sorry I’m still hung up on the fact that you find my sister attractive.” Castiel picked up another pizza roll, taking his time while eating this time, so as not to burn his mouth again. “I mean...Anna...really? First of all, she’s like four years older than us-”

     “Exactly. _Hot_ .She’s legal-”

     “Okay I need you to stop talking about my sister like that, it’s freaking me out.” He shook his head, popping another pizza roll into his mouth; he usually ate healthy but it was impossible to eat healthy at Ruby’s house, and he would just work it off later anyway. “You know I’m gonna get fat if I stay over here more.”

    “ _You_? Fat? Cas, your metabolism is that of a fifteen year old boy who is growing double like every single fucking day. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for teenage boys to gain significant amounts of weight...that and you dance enough that you’ll just work it all off anyway.” Ruby gave Castiel a look that would convey she did not buy his bullshit if her statement did not.

   “I was joking, I know I’ll work it off later.”

    “You’d work it off tonight if you would just sleep with one of the guys-”

    “First of all, I have never had an offer to get a return blowjob, let alone going for the full monty….secondly, I don’t feel like losing my full Vcard to one of the assholes at school. They’re all jerks, fuck that noise.”

    “Ugh tell me about it.” Ruby rolled her eyes, almost jumping out of her skin when the front door unlocked and Ezra announced his presence. “Living room!”

    “Ah, there’s two of you tonight, hello Castiel.” Ezra nodded at him, looking exhausted and as if he were ready to drop to the ground. “I ate on my way over here, I am now going to grade and get to sleep. Please don’t be too loud?”

    “We won’t,” Ruby promised, waving him off as he disappeared upstairs, leaving them alone. “Okay one more hour and we can leave,” she whispered to Castiel after she heard Ezra’s door shut.

     “Sounds good to me.” Castiel nodded, getting up to use the bathroom before they had to leave. He could only hope that the cops weren’t called and they were caught. If his grandmother found out that he had been at a party without some form of supervision, he would be in a lot of trouble. Not to mention he would probably be grounded from seeing Ruby ever again unless it was a school function. It wasn’t until they were sneaking out the back door that he realized that he really did wish Dean would be at the party.

 

xxxx

 

            The air felt thick and hot, as if it were trying to choke him as he stumbled his way down the sidewalk, sirens and lights flashing far behind him. The cops had arrived to break up the party but he was so tired and the alcohol was making his head fuzzy and heavy. He could only count the steps in front of him over and over as he blindly walked towards his grandmother’s house. His things were still at Ruby’s but he would go back to get them later. Right now, he needed to be home, in his bed so he could sleep. The world seemed so dark tonight, the street lamps were not bright enough, but finally he made it to his grandmother’s door.

            The keys in his hand fell several times as he fought to stay vertical. His stomach twisted and then he had no choice but to lean over the porch railing and throw up into his grandmother’s azaleas. Shaking hands picked up his house keys again and finally Castiel was able to stumble into the house, trying to quietly make his way up the stairs and to his bedroom. Luckily, his grandmother was a heavy sleeper. As he laid down on his bed, he realized that he had left his phone behind. The last call he had made had been 911.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

            “The doc said you’re borderline genius,” Benny said as he and Dean sat down at the local pizza joint to eat their late dinner after Dean had spent all day taking the aptitude tests. He had been evaluated with a written test, an oral test, and then evaluated psychologically.

            “I’m not that smart,” Dean muttered in reply, picking up a slice of pizza to eat eagerly.

            “Well, I don’t think he’d _lie_ , do you? Guy seems pretty smart if you ask me.” Benny shrugged, taking a small piece of pizza, leaving the rest for Dean. The kid could put a serious dent in groceries without even trying. “But what does he know, hm? Clearly you have all the answers.”

            Dean glared, giving Benny a dark stare. “Whatever.”

            “I’m teasing you Dean, your folks never tease you?”

            Dean shrugged, slowly turning his gaze on the happy family of four a few tables away, watching them with great longing. “No, not really. My Dad was never the “teasing” type I guess. It was always, ‘You can do better Dean, watch Sammy, Dean’, ‘Don’t let anything happen while I’m gone Dean.’ He never asked me how I was doing or if I was okay...just Sam.”

            Benny turned to look at the family that Dean was staring at before slowly turning back around to look Dean over, giving him a small smile. “You know, you could have that too.”

            “No I can’t,” Dean replied sadly, shaking his head.

            “Why not? This about your brother again?”

            “I left him behind Benny, how can I have a happy family when I left him back at home with my crazy Dad?” Dean set his pizza down, slowly pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, breathing deeply. “Besides, I don’t have family here.”

            Benny took another bite of the small piece of pizza he had claimed for himself, letting Dean have his moment before continuing. “Family doesn’t have to just be blood family Dean, family can be anyone if you trust them enough.”

            “Yeah well I don’t, so forget it, okay?” Dean rolled his eyes, eating more pizza.

            Benny did not offer comment, even if his feelings were slightly hurt by Dean’s claims; he did not expect the boy to just trust him from the get go or to consider him family by any means, but he had hoped after showing Dean that if a stranger could care about him, then maybe he could move on and live a decent life. No kid deserved to live moving around constantly, and to have a father who told him that he was a sissy faggot. Dean was a good kid, obedient and eager to please, he deserved a good life.

            “Fair enough,” he finally said, sitting back in his seat to watch the game on the TV over Dean’s head.

            Dean watched Benny watch the TV above them, slowly picking at his dinner, realizing what he had just implied. He did not _not_ trust Benny, but Benny was just the guy who had given him a roof over his head so he wouldn’t be homeless. They were not family, they were hardly friends, let alone family. “This is good pizza,” he said, trying to draw Benny back into the conversation.

            “Best in the county,” Benny agreed quietly, still watching the game with what appeared to be great interest.

            “So...you said we were going to sleep somewhere else tonight, right?” Dean bit his bottom lip, hoping to engage Benny somehow into talking to him. “Like a different house…”

            “I have a horse farm an hour away from here, bigger house, more room for both of us so we’re not on top of each other. You can still go to school, and I don’t mind the commute. I’ll drive you in in the mornings as long as you don’t mind getting up bright and early or you’ll have to ride a bus-”

            “I’ll get up early,” Dean said automatically. “I hate buses.”

            “Fine with me” Benny nodded, lacing his fingers together over his stomach, eyes still on the game.

            “Are you mad at me?” Dean finally asked timidly, trying to appear smaller.

            Benny blinked, finally meeting Dean’s eyes again, hearing the fear and worry in the boy’s voice. “I ain’t mad at you Dean.”

            “You sure?”

            “Why would I be mad at you?”

            “For...for what I said….” Dean trailed off, smashing a piece of pizza into his mouth to keep from talking again. “Neurmine,” he said through the mouthful, making Benny chuckle and smile.

            “I ain’t mad at you Dean,” Benny repeated gently. “You ready to go get out of here or are you still workin’ on scarfin’ down this pizza?”

            “Um...we can take the rest to go...if that’s okay…” Dean gave Benny another timid look, not wanting to upset him further. He was pretty convinced that Benny _was_ in fact upset, even if he said otherwise.

            “Of course it’s okay.” Benny flagged the waitress down, politely asking for a box, which she gladly brought to them, before gathering up everything to leave having paid and tipped a while ago. The ride to the horse ranch was quiet, only broken up by the radio station that Benny had put on to fill the silence. Some sort of country station, which Dean did not mind per se but he definitely preferred old, classic rock. The house itself was small, only one floor, but it was definitely bigger than the apartment they were both crammed into at the moment. Dean made his way inside and Benny directed him up to the room he could have as his own, which was a whole new concept for Dean. He had never really had his _own_ room before, he had always slept in hotel rooms, the car, or even outside.

 

That night, Dean cried himself to sleep.

 

xxxx

 

            “Have you ever _been_ to a real school before?” Ruby asked Dean as he came to join them at lunch. He had arrived this morning, and ever since then had not really found a place to fit in just yet, even if the jocks were eying him as if he were made out of candy.

            “Not really,” Dean said, shrugging and glancing around nervously. His father had never let him _go_ to school, and being in this place made him feel stupid. the doctor said he was smart but Dean was convinced that that doctor had _no_ idea what he was talking about. Dean Winchester? Smart? No way. Dean Lafitte? Smart? Maybe.

            “Huh. Go figure. Lucky bastard, I hate school,” Ruby groused, rolling her eyes before glancing over at Castiel who had not offered up his opinion. In fact Castiel, who was normally rather chatty, had barely said two words to anyone since the party. “Hey, I never got to ask you where did you _go_ that night, anyway? The cops showed up and you were just _gone_.”

            “I assume you’re no longer talking to me-” Dean began but Ruby held up a finger to him, so he shut up, eyes falling on Castiel who shifted uncomfortably.

            Castiel shrugged, nibbling at his sandwich but he did not offer up any comment on the matter. Ruby continued to press him until Castiel stood up from his seat, taking his lunch, and walked out of the cafeteria. Ruby gaped and stammered, confused. “What’s _his_ problem?” she snapped, frowning.

            “Don’t look at me, he’s not my friend,” Dean replied, finishing off his own lunch, which was _amazing_ since Benny had cooked it for him. Much better than whatever crap they served here at the school that was for sure.

            “He’s been acting so fucking weird lately...whatever. Cas is gonna do what Cas is gonna do, isn’t any skin off my back.” Ruby picked up the last bit of her school bought lunch, pulling a face at the awful taste before shoving the tray away. “It’s like they want to get away with murder.”

            “They probably do.” Dean smirked, glancing at his schedule again. “I have….theatre next….what kind of school has _theatre_ as an elective and why the fuck am I in it?”

            “Probably because _no_ one ever signs up for theatre,” Ruby said, taking his schedule from him to glance it over. “Cas is in there though.”

            “He acts?”

            “He dances. They always need dancers in that class. They put on this huge production and they incorporate dance in it somehow, and Cas is one of the few people in this place that _can_ dance without being taught extra lessons or terms or whatever.”

            “Oh.” Dean nodded, taking his schedule back. “You know where the Roush Theatre is?”

            “Yeah, go to the main staircase and hang a left, you can’t miss the giant doors.”

            “Thanks.”

            “Do me a favor and bug Cas, see if he’ll talk to you or something. I’m kinda worried about the little creep.” Ruby gave Dean a worried look before the bell began to ring and they were dismissed to their next class.

            “Sure.” Dean nodded, gathering up his books, which was still a strange concept for him. Benny had even taken him out and _bought_ him school supplies, which was also a really weird concept for him to grasp. He had never _had_ school supplies before, but now he did and he felt so normal. Like a real teenager, and honestly, it was kind of nice. Dean followed Ruby’s instructions and she was right, you couldn’t really miss the huge double doors, so Dean let himself in, following the sound of voices until he came to a room behind the main stage where there were a group of students sitting on the steps that Dean assumed were meant to be for a choir or something. Castiel was sitting away from the others, his nose in a book.

            The others paid him no heed as he made his way over and slowly sank down next to Cas, placing his pile of books next to his hip. “Hey Cas,” he greeted as politely as he could manage. Socialization was still not his strong point, and he had a feeling it never would be, but Benny had asked him to _try_ and make some friends so that was the goal. Castiel glanced over at him to acknowledge his presence but he didn’t say anything, he just kept quiet. “You okay? Ruby told me to bug you, so sorry if I’m bugging you, I’ll stop, honest.”

            “It’s okay,” Cas muttered finally, before dropping his gaze down on the book he was reading.

            “Whatcha readin’?” Dean asked, trying to keep Cas engaged. From the appearances he had seen of Cas in the diner, he knew the guy was usually fairly chatty, and to see him so quiet was a bit unnerving. Castiel held up the book, which Dean tilted his head to read the title. “ _Animal Farm_? Isn’t that a movie or somethin’?”

            “It is for my English class,” Castiel replied, his voice still quiet, barely a voice at all.

            “ _Oh_ ….required reading, gross.” Dean rolled his eyes, placing his arms over his knees, watching Castiel read for a while. He opened his mouth to speak again but then the bell was ringing once more and the teacher, Crowley something, was starting to address them.

            “You, who are you? You’re not a face I recognize,” Crowley snapped, pointing to Dean, his English accent thick.

            “Me? Ugh….Dean Win-Lafitte…”

            “Well, Dean Win-Lafitte-”

            “No...No, just...Dean Lafitte. Sorry...ugh….folks got remarried,” Dean lied quickly. Of course it was only after the fact that he realized that that still made absolutely no sense, so he simply shut his mouth, leaving the students to all side eye him as if he had a disease.

            “I see... _well_ ….Mr. Lafitte, welcome to my theatre class. I hope you enjoy your stay, if you do not like to act, _there_ is the door. We are working on _The Laramie Project_. Have you heard the story or read the play in the past?” Crowley walked up to Dean and Castiel, staring down at them from where they sat on the carpeted stairs.

            “Ugh...no, sorry…” Dean shrugged, leaning back on his elbows, trying to remain casual as he always did around adults. Dean was not a fan of authority or adults, as he and adults never mixed well; it was like putting fire to gasolene.

            “I see, well….I advise you to read the play, as we will start acting out pieces and scenes soon. I’m not sure how you got into this class, since these are my more advanced students but I am sure Castiel will help you out, you two know each other, I presume?”

            Dean nodded. “Yeah.”

            “Good. Get the play Mr. Lafitte, that is my advice.” Crowley turned then, walking over to the board to start writing some names and assignments down.

            Dean glanced over at Castiel again who was furiously taking notes now, as if his life depended on them. “Hey, you ugh….own the play by chance?” Castiel nodded at him. “Could I borrow it?” When Castiel nodded again, Dean smiled. “Thanks man.”

            The kids in the class were all ridiculously enthusiastic which Dean found annoying at first, but the more he watched, the more he realized how passionate they all were. It was refreshing to see kids liking their classes, wanting to actually _do_ something with their lives. The more he watched, the more Dean had to wonder if he could have that too. The bell rang too soon in Dean’s opinion, and he had to get up and move onto his next class, which was biology. He wanted to ask Castiel what his next class was, but the guy was out of the room before they could exchange anymore words. Dean frowned a little, and he was not able to stop himself from feeling worried about Castiel, even though he wasn’t sure to pin down the why. He just hoped he would see Castiel later and perhaps he would muster up the courage to ask Castiel in person.

 

            xxxx

 

            “He called the cops, he did it-he’s the squealer…”

            Castiel ignored the whispers as he walked towards his locker, his eyes glued to the ground. He almost missed Ruby storming down the hallway towards him, breaking through the after school crowd. She called his name and he continued to ignore everyone, including Ruby, even if he knew it was rude of him to do so.

            “Cas! Ca- _move_ asshat!” Ruby snapped at some guy in the hall, shoving past him, finally arriving at his locker. “Is it true? Is it _true_? Did you do it? Did you call the cops that night?”

            “Ruby-” Castiel bit his lip, quietly opening his locker, even as the stares and whispers grew. Maybe he would have to transfer schools, considering the rumor mill tended to never stop once it started.

            “ _Did_ you?!” Ruby grabbed Castiel’s shoulder, turning him around so they could stare each other eye to eye. “Well?”

            “Yes,” he whispered, looking away in shame. “Yes, I called the cops-”

            “ _Why_? You could have just _left_! Do you have _any_ idea how much trouble everyone got in? Do you even care?” Ruby stared at him as if she couldn’t believe that he would have been the one to call the police on them. “I invited you because you _aren’t_ the kind of guy to call the fucking cops when stuff gets a little wild. God, what is _wrong_ with you? I figured it had been Garth or someone, not _you_.”

            Castiel shrugged again, turning back around to dig through his locker. He had to get to dance practice right after school, but all he wanted to do was go home, climb into bed, and not leave for a few days. “I’m sorry Ruby-”

            “You _should_ be!” Ruby glared at him, shaking her head. “See if I ever invite _you_ to a party again.”

            Castiel glanced back at her as she walked away, disappearing down the hall, her blonde hair bouncing as she did, forcibly pushing people as she was want to do. He remembered how she had befriended him almost immediately when he had had moved to his grandmother’s town from the East Coast. She had been so nice to him, and while it had been a bit jarring to go from being the new kid, to the kid that hangs around the cool chick, he had enjoyed his stay. But, Castiel knew that friendships in high school were short lived and trivial; most people never saw who they graduated with afterwards anyway, so it shouldn’t have bothered him so much. That thought did not comfort him as he gathered his belongings.

            “Hey Cas,” Dean said, causing him to jump out of his skin. “Whoa sorry, didn’t mean to scare the crap out of you. You okay?”

            “Y-yes…” Castiel nodded, shoving his books into his bookbag before shutting his locker.

            “So, I um...got invited to some party, I don’t know if I want to go though. Sounds like some weird thing that the popular kids do.” Dean rolled his eyes, smiling at Castiel, hoping to make the kid smile back. “I don’t think I wanna be a popular kid, sounds like too much maintenance. You know, I really liked my art class though, with Balthazar or whatever his name. He was cool. Do you have art class?”

            “Um...no….” Castiel shook his head.

            “Oh...you should, I love it.” Dean smiled more. He fell into step with Castiel as they walked down the hallway together now. “Can you pick it up?”

            “Why do you want me to take art so badly?” Castiel did not mean to snap at Dean but his patience was wearing thing today. Everyone hated him, why shouldn’t Dean?

            “Whoa _sorry_ , I was just wondering-it’s a fun class….cooler than the other classes I’m in for sure.” Dean followed Castiel outside where he just continued to follow him, even as Castiel began to walk out towards the buses.

“Maybe I’ll take it instead of theatre.” Castiel shrugged, looking back at Dean, coming to stand in front of the bus that Dean assumed he took home every day.

           “Oh you don’t have to do that-....I mean…I mean _I_ am, I mean no offense but I’m just not into theatre, so I don’t need to borrow the play after all, just so you know…”

           “Is that why you weren’t in class today?” Castiel tilted his head to the side, starting to shift from foot to foot, which was a nervous habit he had developed last summer. It drove his grandmother crazy.

          “Ugh yeah...so, anyway...I’ll see you tomorrow Cas.” Dean raised his hand in a wave, before turning and leaving Castiel next to the buses.

         “Bye,” Castiel whispered, slowly turning to climb the steps of the bus. He hated riding the bus, but now that he and Ruby were clearly no longer friends, he would have to return to riding the bus rather than receiving a ride home with her and Ezra. If he rode the bus he would be late to dance practice but he had no desire to go to practice today anyway, so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal anyway, he decided. The kids on the bus all exchanged looks as he walked past them, muttering _squealer_ , and _yeah that’s Castiel Novak, he called the cops_. The whole school would know by tonight.

         He chose the seat in the very back, pulling his knees up against the seat in front of him and placing his bag next to his hip, in hopes that no one would bother him or try to sit with him. Confrontation was not one of his strong suits. Castiel’s eyes wandered out the window as the bus began to pull away from the school, falling on a face he had hoped to not see ever again. Castiel’s stomach twisted, filling with nerves, as the bus slowly rolled by the student parking lot. Standing in the parking lot, a chilling smile on his face, his arms around no other than Meg Masters was Alastair. If he remembered correctly, Alastair and Meg had started to date very recently, and already she was enamored with him and his soft spoken accent. Personally, Alastair made Castiel’s skin crawl.

         The bus ride back to his house was long, and he was the last the be dropped off. Usually, he would walk but after the long day, the ride left him to clear his mind, but he would probably be back to walking tomorrow morning, or trying to remember when the bus would stop by to pick him up in the mornings. That would all depend on if Ruby was actually angry with him for a longer period than a day. She would either forgive him by tonight or hate him for the rest of his high school career, there was no in between with Ruby. Once the bus pulled away, Castiel continued walking up the steps to his grandmother’s house, which was quiet when he came in. Grandma Rose was most likely at bridge or something with her friends; she was like Ruby in that she was a very social creature. Castiel didn’t mind, especially not today.

        The stairs creaked beneath his feet as he climbed them slowly, trailing his fingertips along the walls, feeling each nick of paint and imperfection. The house was old, it had been in their family for years; if you went to the kitchen, there were still marks on the doorjambs of where his grandmother had measured her growing children over the years. The floors were wooden and scuffed from years of use, but no one ever minded. The house was lived in, and that was how Grandma Rose liked it. His room was the last room on the right side of the hallway and it had the biggest window in the house, which overlooked the backyard, garden, and tree that he had used to swing on as a child on visits. Castiel dropped his bag as soon as he walked into his room, going to his bed and falling facedown into the soft material, grabbing his nearest pillow and screaming for as long as his voice would allow him. Maybe, if he counted back from ten, he would wake up and all of this could just be a dream.

 

He would never be that lucky.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

             “We have a new face today,” Balthazar said with a small smile. He walked up to Castiel Novak who had taken up a seat away from the others at a lone table. “It’s good to have new faces, they bring new ideas. What interests you?”

            Castiel shrugged and dropped his eyes down to the table top. “I don’t know.”

            “Hmmm, I don’t believe that, not in the slightest. _You_ are a dancer, I remember seeing you in the productions. Does dance turn you on Castiel? Does it make you _feel_?” Balthazar placed his hands on Castiel’s table, leaning in close to him.

            “Uh...yeah...I guess…” Normally, dance did make him happy and dance had been his entire life, but lately dance brought him no joy. Not many things brought him anything happy at all.

            “Hmm, good..use that energy, and channel it into your art.” Balthazar spun around and began to address the class as a whole, explaining that they did not have real assignments here, but they did have to find a theme and work within that theme for the year. Castiel stared at the wooden table top, unmoved to do much of anything. He _had_ to start working on something but he had no inspiration, and nothing made him feel passionate.

            “Hey Cas,” Dean said, dropping down on the stool next to Castiel’s. “So you dropped theatre, huh?”

            “Yes,” Castiel replied quietly with a small nod. “I wasn’t feeling it this year.”

            Dean shrugged and began to tap a beat along the table with his fingers. “Yeah, I feel you there man...so what’s your theme gonna be?”

            “I don’t know.”

            “I think I’m gonna do horses, since Benny’s got like twenty of ‘em, figure I could never run out of source material, ya know?” Dean smiled at Castiel, trying to make Castiel return the gesture but no smile flitted across his face or into his eyes. “You could do ballet or something...you know...start with what you know.”

            “Okay.”

            Easing upwards slowly, Dean made his way back to his own table, unsure of Castiel’s mood; he had been acting so bizarrely lately and Dean was not sure how to help him. He had heard the rumors of course; Castiel had called the cops on one of the main parties that happens in the beginning of the school year, and the kids had been busted but that was just rumors. No one really _knew_ who had called the cops, but Castiel wasn’t denying it either so Dean had to figure it to be true. Ruby had ditched him, which Dean thought was completely ridiculous but he was in no position to tell her where to shove it either. Not with him being the _new kid_.

            Dean glanced up at Castiel again before he began to try to draw a horse. He was pretty sure he had no talent whatsoever but it was better than wasting his life in study hall or dying of embarrassment in theatre with Crowley. Balthazar loomed over him and Dean slowly glanced up, his pencil hovering just above the piece of paper he had picked out. “....hi.”

            Balthazar smiled and slowly sat down next to him. “So, what is your theme Dean? What speaks to you?”

            “Well...I mean….my uncle has a horse farm and I figured I could draw the horses, you know? I’m always around them so I may as well.” After being asked a million times about his “uncle” he had come to find he slipped less and less with calling Benny _uncle_ Benny instead of just Benny. At least around strangers. He would probably never call Benny uncle to his face but at least with people who were supposed to think he was indeed Benny’s nephew it had grown easier.

            “Hmm...horses are magnificent creatures. You start, and then we’ll compare and contrast at the end of the year, yeah?”

            “Sure,” Dean muttered, following Balthazar’s movement with his eyes as the guy began to walk around to see what the others were doing. Once more, Dean glanced over at Castiel who had yet to move from his spot of staring at the table. Maybe Balthazar could talk some sense into Castiel because clearly his efforts of being nice were getting him absolutely nowhere. The worst part of it all was that Dean _had_ seen the marks on the bathroom wall and Castiel really was known for his oral skills. He wasn’t really sure how to feel about that. Not that it was any of his business; Castiel could do what he liked with his body and free time but someone really did need to tell Castiel that he was worth more than a blowjob in the last bathroom stall on the third floor.

            With all of the rumors flying Dean knew that if he asked Castiel out he would be committing social suicide, but since when did he care about stuff like cliques and groups? High school was a joke anyway, and nothing like the real world. Dean glanced down at his empty paper and then decided to do something that would probably get him marked with _freak_ status but he just didn’t care. Grabbing his paper and books, Dean hauled them carefully over to Castiel’s table and took up the spot next to him without saying a word. If he didn’t make a big deal about it, then no one else would either. He could have been wrong, but Dean was pretty sure he saw Balthazar smile.

 

xxxx

 

            “You wanted to see me?”

            Benny looked over his shoulder and gave Dean a smile before gesturing for Dean to join him at the end of the bar. “C’mere.”

            Dean looked around, having not been in the stables before. They were nice and large, giving the horses plenty of room in each stall. “Yeah?”

            Benny nodded into the stall he stood in front of where a thin and dirty horse stood in the back, staring at them with wary eyes. “This is Nomad….he was found not too far from here, most likely abused by the look of his weight and his demeanor. Real skittish, kinda like you.”

            “...okay?” Dean raised his eyebrow at Benny, honestly not sure where this conversation was headed.

            “Won’t let me near him and the guy could use a friend, also kinda like you... _so_ I ask that you try and befriend him, see if you can get him to eat and relax a little.” Benny handed him a lead and patted him on the shoulder. “Do not go in there until he approaches you and is more friendly, ya hear?”

            “You-you want me-Benny-” Dean stammered after Benny as he walked away, leaving him alone in the barn with a terrified horse. Nomad made a soft noise and Dean jerked, quickly turning his gaze back on him, slowly setting the lead down. “Hey Buddy,” he said quietly, leaning against the stall door and placing his chin on his arms. “I won’t hurt you. Nah, why would I hurt you? Why would anyone hurt you? You’re so pretty.”

             Why Benny thought he was more qualified to handle this terrified animal he had no idea but Dean watched Nomad shuffle around, his eyes never leaving Dean once. He spoke in low tones, and eventually held out his hands, palms up to see if he could get the horse to smell him. Dean didn’t know how long he stood there against the stall door but slowly Nomad began to inch towards him, barely moving at all, but Dean smiled and praised him quietly. “That’s a good boy,” he whispered. “You’re a good boy, yeah.”

            Dean held his breath once Nomad came almost close enough to sniff at his hands but then something fell outside and the horse jerked away, his eyes rolling back until all Dean could see was white. “Whoa-whoa hey-hey shhh shhh-” Dean glanced back over his shoulder, silently cursing whatever frightened Nomad all over again. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Shhhh. See? You’re okay, you’re okay.” He could only groan when the horse went back to his original spot in the stall; slowly Dean sank down to the stable floor, leaning back against the door in annoyance. This horse would never befriend anyone, he was sure of that much.

                 “How goes the horse whispering?” Benny asked, slowly walking down to where Dean sat and pouted.   

                  “I ain’t no horse whisperer,” Dean snapped, his voice full of teenage defiance. “He doesn’t like me.”

                  “Don’t feel too bad, he doesn’t like anyone yet.” Benny glimpsed in at Nomad who was now lightly nibbling at some of the hay they had put out for him. “At least he’s eating a little….got a special feed for him, to help him gain some weight and energy but he won’t touch it. If you can get him to do that, I’d be forever in your debt.”

                 “I can’t even get him to come close to me, let alone to eat. I can’t do it-”

                Benny frowned and reached down to pull Dean up by the shirt, shaking him a little. “Don’t say you can’t do something Dean. You _can_. You can do anything you put your mind to because you are a talented young man. Got it?”

                “Yeah yeah.” He rolled his eyes before sighing and leaning back against the stall door to try again. “Go away, I think you make him nervous.”

                “Hey you’re the expert,” Benny teased before leaving Dean alone again.

                 “Don’t listen to him,” Dean said quietly to Nomad. “He has no idea what he’s going on about sometimes. Sorry about that thing that scared you...and sorry for ignoring you just now. I wouldn’t like me either if I just ignored you like you didn’t matter. You know, you do matter, right? You got a right to be here just like anyone else.” Dean smiled, offering his hand out again, willing to wait for Nomad to make his own decision. “You’d be prettier if you got a bath, you’re pretty dirty.”

                 Nomad snorted and shook his head as if he were in disagreement with Dean’s statement which made Dean smile. He watched as Nomad slowly began to walk up to him again, and once more Dean held his breath, trying to not make any sudden movements. Eventually, after what felt like forever, Nomad pressed his nose against Dean’s palm and sniffed, nibbling as if he were searching for oats. Dean held his ground, not jerking away even as the horse tickled him with his lips.

                “See? Told you I wasn’t going to hurt you,” Dean assured him quietly. “I’m sorry if your old owner was mean to you….I know what that’s like you know? My Dad was real mean to me all the time when I was younger...before I left that is. He used to drink a lot, probably still does, and he beat me real bad a lot. Did your owner beat you too?”

                Nomad nuzzled along Dean’s hands, stepping closer until Dean could slowly place a hand against his nose and pet him slightly. Dean smiled, scratching and petting the horse affectionately until Nomad had enough and he turned to go back to his previous spot. He felt a sense of accomplishment knowing that the horse had trusted him enough to let Dean pet him. Dean inched his way away from the stall so he didn’t startle Nomad again and then he rushed out of the stable and into the house where Benny was in the kitchen. “Benny!”   

                “Hm?” Benny turned around, worried for a fleeting moment but then Dean smiled and he relaxed. “You get Nomad to come to ya?”

                “Yeah-...it was kinda cool...it was real slow, you know? But he let me pet him and then he eventually walked away but that’s good right? That he let me pet him?” Dean stared at Benny desperately. He needed his actions to be right and to be good; he had always been such a screw up to his father but he could not imagine being a screw up to Benny. He wasn’t sure if he could handle such a failure.

                “Yes Dean, that’s very good. You work with him a little every day and he’ll be a normal horse real soon.” Benny smiled and offered Dean a bowl of gumbo. “Here, eat up. You did good Dean, proud of ya.”

               Proud. Someone was proud of him; a man who had shown him love and acceptance was _proud_ of him. His father had never told him that he was proud. Not once. Dean smiled and sank down into a chair to start eating his dinner. “Thanks Benny.”

            “You go to the doctor tomorrow, just so you know.”

             Dean almost choked and he turned a frightened face to Benny then. “What?”

            “The doctor, you’re goin’ tomorrow. After school.”

            “But...Benny…” He fumbled with his words, unsure of how to tell Benny that he did not want to see a doctor. Honestly, it had been so long that Dean had figured that Benny had forgotten about the doctor thing.

             “You’re _goin_ ,” Benny said, pointing a firm finger at Dean. “Gotta make sure you’re all healthy. When was the last time you went to see a doctor?”

             “I dunno...when I was a baby I guess-”

              “I figured. You need some shots, whatever they recommend, got it?” Benny sat down across from him and began to eat, not wanting to hear any more arguments on the matter. “How’s school?”

             “It’s okay I guess,” Dean replied with a shrug, staring down into his gumbo. “So...that thing you told me about Cas is true...I mean...I guess it is. Ruby said so and then so did the bathroom….But people are real mad at him right now. I guess he called the cops while he was at some party and got everyone busted, so he’s kind of a social pariah right now.”

              “Except with you?” Benny asked.

              “Well I wasn’t just gonna be _mean_ to the guy just because he called the cops at some stupid party that no one probably should have been at anyway. That’s his business...he’s in my art class and in my biology class. I’m his lab partner too. He’s real nice, when he talks….he doesn’t talk a lot anymore, he’s been acting weird….honestly, I’m kinda worried about him.”

               “If you say he’s a pariah right now, I’m sure he don't have many friends Dean, that’s probably why he’s been so quiet. I haven’ seen him in the diner for a while now. You can invite him over whenever you want.”

             Dean nodded. The pieces of his gumbo were floating around and he slowly began to stir them with his spoon. “I think I want to ask him out,” he admitted quietly. “I don’t care that’s been with other guys.”

            “Then ask him out,” Benny replied. “I like Castiel, I don’t have anything against him.”

             “Okay….I will.” Dean nodded again, as if he were trying to convince himself that what he said were true. Maybe if he asked Castiel out and made him smile again, he could make the guy happier. Whatever happened to him at that party was clearly not pleasant and while Dean would not press him to spill, he had a feeling it would be easier on both of them if he said _something_. More than the the two or three words that muttered now and again that is. Once he finished his gumbo, Dean carried his dish to the sink and rinsed it before turning to head up to his room; he was pretty sure he had Castiel’s number somewhere.

             Dean tore through his notebooks until finally he found Castiel’s number, which he had scrawled on top of his biology notes last week. It took some searching, but he also eventually found the phone, stretching out on his bed to dial the number. The phone rang a few times and then finally Castiel’s voice filled his ear. “Hey Cas,” he said with a smile. “It’s Dean.”

             “Yes I know Dean...I put your number in my phone before…”

            “Right. Sorry...so um...I was wondering if maybe you would like to go out with me on Friday? You don’t have to but I don’t know...I um...I mean I like you...and stuff…” Dean trailed off, hoping Castiel would take the hint.

          “You want go _out_ with me?” came Castiel’s shocked whisper.

          “Yeah….I mean...if you don’t want to consider it like...a date, we can just go somewhere as friends?” He had never really thought on whether Castiel could be possibly into him or not. Dean had just blindly assumed that Castiel would agree, which he realized in hindsight was a really dumb assumption on his part. “We are friends, right?”

         “Um...yes...we are…” Castiel fiddled with something on his end and then finally spoke again. “If...if you want to-to go out with me...we can….”

          “Yeah? Awesome. You wanna go catch a movie? I’m sure Benny would give me a ride if I asked, we could come pick you up.” Dean smiled some more, trying to charm Castiel over the phone. Charming people in real life was hard enough, let alone when he could not even look Castiel in the eye.

         “Okay,” Castiel whispered, sounding as if he were ready to bolt.

         “I’ll see you tomorrow Cas.”

          “... Yes.”

           Dean smiled and hang up the phone. He had a _date_ , with a guy. A guy he liked, a guy he found ridiculously attractive. This was actually his life now; he could be a real teenager, a kid who made mistakes and had to learn from them. He could date who he wanted because Benny was a decent human being. He was able to go attend a real school for more than just a week, and he could make real friends who would want to talk to him, hang out, and do teenager things. He had never felt more happy before in his entire life.

 

xxxx

 

            Castiel stared at the phone in his hands, still in shock that Dean had called him, it was as if Dean _knew_ what he had been doing. As if Dean had had some strange intuition about his life. The phone slid from his hands and into the bathroom sink and he raised his eyes back to his reflection in the mirror; he looked too wild and as if he had not slept well in days, which was true. He had more nightmares than he could count on both hands and they kept him awake each night to the point where he was afraid to fall asleep.

            “Castiel? Darling? Are you alright?”

            Castiel glanced over at the bathroom door and about kicked himself since his grandmother did not do well on the stairs and he had been in here so long that she had braved them to check up on him. “Yeah..Grandma, I’m okay...I’ll be out in a moment…”

            “Okay Dear, you’ve just been gone for so long now.”

            “Yeah-just-just a minute.” Castiel rolled his sleeves down and shoved his phone back in his pocket. Cold water on his face made his system jerk and his mind go to a better place for a moment. He opened the door and gave his grandmother a sheepish stare. “I’m sorry Grandma-you didn’t have to come up here-”

            She waved her hand in dismissal, cupping his face then with both hands, smiling at him. “Pish posh, child. You just seem so sad lately, it’s breaking my heart. What happened to Ruby, hm? You two don’t see each other anymore.”

            “Um, she’s kinda mad at me right now Grandma...but...um...Dean Winchester? He um..asked me on a date...on Friday...can I go?”

            “Oh of _course_ you can, you have fun on Friday.”

            Castiel nodded, slowly stepping out of the bathroom. “Do you need help getting back downstairs? I can help you-” His biggest fear was his grandmother tripping and falling down the steps; he did not want to go back to Maine to live with his parents. Even if he did miss his siblings, he could not stand the idea of living with his parents again. They were both pretentious Bible thumping bastards and they loved to remind him how his orientation was going to damn him to Hell.

            “No, no I’ll be fine.”

             “You sure?” Castiel followed her to the stair landing but his grandmother was already making her slow way down and Castiel could not stop from following her until he knew she would be fine, before going back up to his room. Once he was standing in front of his closet and realizing that he was not sure what to wear on Friday did the fact that _Dean Winchester_ had asked him on a date hit him like a ton of bricks. Dean, despite his rocky start, had become rather popular and had climbed the social ladder quickly. Not that Dean saw it that way of course.

              But now Dean was going to take him out and that social climb would become a social fall he was pretty sure of _that_. Did Dean even realize the implications of taking him out? Maybe he didn’t and then when he _did_ realize, Dean would dump him. Castiel flinched, glaring at his closet in anger because that would happen to him. Maybe he wouldn’t put that much stock into his appearance after all. Why bother? Dean would ditch him just like everyone else. Tears filled Castiel’s eyes and he spun in a circle a few times, finally focusing on his full length mirror. All of the pain and anger he had been feeling for the past month came rushing into his veins so he grabbed the heaviest object he could find and threw it at the mirror. Seven years bad luck seemed like a better fate than staring at his reflection anyway.

 

xxxx

 

            Dean kicked his legs back and forth, wearing nothing but a hospital gown, which he was not one hundred perfect comfortable with but he also had no choice as the doctor returned to examine him. Physicals should be banned in all towns, cities, counties, and states. Especially when he felt as if he were being violated by some man he didn’t even know. He had asked Benny to step out of the room because being examined by Benny while _being_ examined was too much for his head to wrap around. “So um...is my blood and stuff all good Doc?” he asked lamely once the doctor returned with a chart in hand.

            “Oh we won’t know for a few days but I’m sure everything is just fine.”

            “Right. Okay.” Dean held back a sigh, not wanting to annoy the man. The doctor listened to his heart, lungs, felt something called a thyroid, and then tested his reflexes, but Dean was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

            “Okay, I need you to stand up for me and I apologize if you feel uncomfortable at all.”

            “...other shoe,” he muttered to himself before sliding off of the table to stare at the ceiling awkwardly. It didn’t really help that the guy’s hands were cold but at least they weren’t making his penis want to jump and stand to attention either.

            “Turn your head and cough for me.”

            Dean obliged, coughing a few times and then blessedly the exam was over. “Is that it? Can I put my clothes back on now?” He didn’t mean to sound whiny and needy but he knew that that was exactly how he sounded.

            “Yep, that’s it. I got a few rounds of shots that will be coming your way but other than that, you can go ahead and get dressed.”

            “Awesome.” Dean waited for the doctor to give him some privacy before he quickly stripped and yanked on his boxers. Once he was covered, he felt relief and continued to dress at a normal pace. The nurse returned with a tray full of little syringes, and Dean slid back onto the table. “Scrumptious,” he joked, which made her smile.

            “Yep, I got the full treatment for you today. Which arm do you prefer?”

            “Ugh left please.” Dean allowed her to roll up his sleeve and then one by one he was given the little shots. The pain wasn’t that bad, he had had much worse just from his dad roughing him up at night.

            “There. All done,” the nurse said with a smile. She spun around to remove her gloves and throw away the little syringes in the hazardous waste bin. Benny returned then, leaning against hte doorway. “He’s a trooper Benny.”

            “Yeah I know he is,” Benny replied with a small smile. “You ready to go Dean?”

            “Yeah. _Please_ , I’m starving.” He hopped down off of the table and pulled his jacket back on before following Benny out of the doctor’s office. “Physicals are stupid.”      

            “Gotta make sure everything’s working alright,” Benny reminded him.

            “Yeah, well they’re still stupid.”

            Benny laughed. It was a short bark that made him jump and glare up at the man in annoyance. “Don’t look at me like that Dean, I ain’t a fan of them either. Wait until you get older then they’re _real_ fun.”

            Dean rolled his eyes, following Benny into his truck. “I’m hungry,” he repeated, just in case that point was not made clear the first time he had pointed it out.

            “Yeah, yeah you’re always hungry. I swear you eat more than my horses do.”

            “I can’t help it! Remember, I’m a _growing_ boy? That’s what you say anyway.” Dean glanced around the truck, suddenly aware of its cleanly state. “Ugh...did you clean in here or something?”

            “Hm?”

            “The truck? It’s like...clean? You got a hot date or something?” Dean smiled at Benny and nudged his ribs lightly with his elbow. “Huh?”

            “It’s not a _date_ ,” Benny said quickly, turning red beneath his beard.

            “You _do_! Who’s the lucky fella?”

            “It’s none of your business Dean, got it?” Benny shook his head, not wanting to impart his personal life on an almost sixteen year old boy.

            “Can I get my permit?” Dean asked then.

            Benny was glad for the subject change and he glanced over at Dean’s hopeful face. “When _is_ your birthday? Hm?”

            “My real birthday? January 24th. I’ll be sixteen, I wanna learn how to drive. Please? I’ll behave, I swear.” Dean tried not to bounce in his boredom but the ride to and from the house was awfully wrong. Everyone was convinced that Dean had a bit of ADHD, but he was quick to deny it; he just liked to move around.

            “Yeah, I suppose we can get you your permit.”

            “Sweet! Can we go now?” Dean looked out the window and watched the shops and businesses go by in hopes of spying a BMV.

            “You gotta study the book first Dean-”

            “Yeah I know, can we go get one?” Learning how to drive was the one goal he had looked forward to for the longest time, and before with his father he hadn’t been very sure on the likelihood of learning had been. But with Benny? He had a feeling Benny would be willing to teach him and he could have his license at sixteen.

            “I’ll pick one up tomorrow while you’re at school, we need to get home so I can make some dinner, yeah?”

            “We could eat out…” Dean trailed off. He pressed his face to the glass of the window and then he remembered that Benny had a _date_. “Oh right, you have a date with the mystery man.”

            “It’s not a date Dean-”

            “Is so. You shaved today and you cleaned out your truck _and_ you look nicer than usual. It’s so a date...can I have a friend over then? I don’t want to be bored,” Dean gave Benny another hopeful stare, wondering if he could somehow whip out Sam’s puppy eyes. Benny sighed and turned on the radio but Dean just kept staring at him so eventually he had to turn it back down and look over. “I suppose you can have a friend over tonight. It _is_ a school night Dean.”

            “So? I don’t have any homework _and_ I had to get like five shots today, so I think I’ve earned some friend time, yeah? That’s how that works right?”

            “You want Cas over?”

            “Yeah.” Dean smiled excitedly, ready to jump out of the truck and run up to Castiel’s house if he could.

            “Alright, alright.” Benny shook his head, pulling into town instead of taking a back road that would take them to the house instead. “You better call him.”

            Dean dug through Benny’s things and removed his cellphone to call Castiel’s phone; he had the number memorized which he was not ashamed of. Even if maybe he should have been. “Cas? Hey-It’s Dean Winchester...hi…..um-oh no, no it’s not about that. I was wondering if maybe you could come over tonight?”

            “Tell him he can stay the night,” Benny said because he knew Rose would be asking after him and wondering how he would get home.

            “Benny said you could stay the night-okay…” Dean waited patiently as Castiel went off to go and ask, even as they were pulling up to Castiel’s street. He had never had a sleepover before, this was a whole new teenager experience for him. “You can come? Sweet, we’re pulling up now-it’s okay, take your time...we were just in the neighborhood and Benny wanted me to call...so….okay. Bye.”

            Benny accepted the phone back from Dean, putting it in his pocket so he didn’t accidentally leave it in the car which he was wont to do from time to time. “You know there are rules Dean.”

            “Yeah I _know_ ,” Dean groaned as he watched for Castiel. “I’m not stupid Benny.”

            Benny chuckled and turned the radio back on, leaving the volume low so the boys could chat. Castiel appeared a little while later and then Dean was scooting over so Castiel could take the window seat. He listened to their chatter halfway as he drove the boys back to the house, but by the time they arrived, Benny knew if he didn’t leave now he would be late.

            “Aren’t you coming?” Dean asked as Castiel headed towards the front door.

            “Can’t, I gotta get outta here.” Benny relinquished a twenty dollar bill to Dean. “Buy some pizza.”

            “Oh-okay sweet. Thanks.” Dean grinned and waved before rushing off towards the house. Castiel was waiting for him by the front door, holding his bags awkwardly in his arms. “Sorry, sorry...Benny gave us money for pizza.”

            “Okay.”

            Dean waved at Benny again and then let the two of them into the house, making sure to lock the door behind them so Benny wouldn't grouse at him for being unsafe. “So um...this is the house...my room is upstairs….sorry-I’ve never had a friend stay over before.”

            “You’ve never had someone stay at your home?” Castiel looked over at Dean.

            “Nope. My Dad was real strict...but...Uncle Benny’s nice, so yeah…..um….you hungry? I’m super starving, can I order the pizza now?” Without waiting for Castiel to answer, Dean walked over to grab the phone and dial the pizza place’s number, which he also knew by heart. That one he wasn’t as ashamed of knowing so well.

            “Sure…” Castiel continued to hold his bag in his arms, glancing around Benny’s house with wide eyes; it was rustic and outdoorsy. He liked the decor. Dean ordered the pizza and afterwards he followed Dean up to his bedroom so he could finally set his stuff down. “I like your room..”

            “Thanks Cas.” Dean smiled, also very proud of his room. He and Benny had been collecting things to decorate with and so far he was pretty happy with the result. He had posters and pictures and he even had his own desk and above that he had a bulletin board which he was hoping to fill with pictures and memories.

            “So um….why me?” Castiel finally asked, glancing up at Dean shyly.

            “Why you, what?”

            “Why did you ask me over? You could have asked anyone but you asked me...why?”

            “Well...we’re friends, right? Remember that conversation we had?” Dean sank down onto his bed, bouncing on the mattress. “And we’re going out….”

            “It’s just...I’m not very fun.” Castiel shrugged at Dean and then he dropped his gaze to the floor. His shoes became particularly interesting and when he felt Dean walk over to him, he tried to make himself smaller.

            “Bull. I bet you’re loads of fun. Come on, let’s go wait for the pizza and play xBox or something. Do you like video games Cas?” Dean took Castiel’s hand without asking and began to pull him along, and Castiel had no choice but to follow Dean blindly back down the stairs to the living room.

            “I don’t have time for video games,” he admitted.

            “Damn, that sucks...but I understand, I never did either until I got to come here, now it’s like...a pass time-hey...what kind of music do you like Cas?”

            “Music? Me?” Castiel sat down on the couch and grabbed the nearest pillow to clutch to his chest. “I like lots of music.”

            “Yeah but is any of it _good_ music?” Dean cast Castiel a skeptical look and paused his hand before grabbing the xBox controller.

            “I think everyone’s idea of good is a bit biased-”

            “No. No there is good music and there is bad music.” Dean held up a single finger and then he was pounding up the stairs.

             Castiel cast a look over the back of the couch, startled by Dean’s sudden switch in mood, his eyes widening slightly when Dean returned with a beat up cardboard box. “What is that?”

            “My music. I stuffed them all in my duffle bag when-” Dean cut off, trying to think of something else to say rather than accidentally admit to running away. “Um when I came here.”

            “Oh….are those...cassettes?” Castiel leaned forward to stare down in the box. “Those are cassettes.”

            “Yeah dipshit, they’re cassettes. My Dad only had cassettes. He has this old car, it’s super awesome. It’s a black 1967 Impala. I hope I get it one day.”

            “I thought your parents were dead?”

            Dean froze, slowly glancing up at Castiel who was still staring at him but now he looked confused and taken aback. “Um-...well….I-...”

            “Are they not dead?”

            “My...my Mom is dead...my Dad isn’t.” The tapes stacked nicely as Dean began to place them on the coffee table in even piles. There were so many of them and Dean had done everything to swipe all of the ones he loved the most. “My Dad is a dick.”

            “So’s mine,” Castiel replied, watching with curiosity as Dean made stacks of tapes. He tilted his head head to one side to try and make out some of the labels. “These are yours?”

            “Well, they were my Dad’s. I took them.”

             “Does your Dad not listen to anything made before the 1970s?”

            “Hey, my Dad has good music taste!” Dean picked up one of his favorite tapes, with the case beat up and the index card inside stained and torn on the edges. He had played the tape so often that it had begun to skip and become stuck during certain songs. “I mean, he’s a total asshole but he has good taste in music.”

           “Your Dad listens to the same music...and nothing here is before 1979,” Castiel remarked before sliding down on the floor next to Dean to inspect the tapes further. He picked them up and held them, turning them over and over in his hands. “You can’t tell me this is the only music you listen to?”

          “Why? What do you listen to?” Dean asked, taking the tape from Castiel’s hands and placing it back on top of its stack.

           “I listen to a lot of different kinds of music. I like classical and-”

           “Okay I have to stop you at classical.” Dean pulled a disgusted face and rolled his eyes. “ _Classical_? Like Tchaikovsky and Chopin?”

           “Yes to name a few...but also modern classical. Have you ever tried listening to the Vitamin String Quartet? They take songs from all over and make them into classical pieces. I’m sure you could even find some of your favorites covered by them. I’m a dancer Dean, I like classical music, it’s just a part of who I am. Don’t knock it until you’ve given it a real listen.” Castiel picked up a tape at random and handed it over to Dean. “Here. I’ll listen to your music if you listen to mine.”

           A childlike smile filled Dean’s face and he quickly snatched the tape out of Castiel’s hand. “Deal.”

           Castiel tried to return the smile but it looked more pained than pleased as Dean stood to go and place the tape in Benny’s stereo, which rested on the opposite wall. He wrapped his arms around his knees and pulled them to his chest, closing his eyes to listen to the music that he never would have considered music before Dean. Classic rock had never really done anything for him in the past, he had always considered it noise but from the look on Dean’s face, Castiel could tell he genuinely enjoyed the melodies and guitar solos.

            “So do you like it?” Dean asked once the tape ended, smiling and hoping that Castiel at least hadn’t hated the experience.

            “I can’t say I _like_ like it but I wouldn’t oppose to hearing more.”

            “I will convert you I swear.”

            The doorbell rang, startling them both, so using the coffee table for leverage, Dean hauled himself upright and walked over to the door. He had almost forgotten about the pizza and how hungry he was; Robert Plant did that to him. Dean gave the delivery guy the rest of the change as a tip and shut the door with his foot.

            “I seriously doubt you will convert me,” Castiel continued once Dean had rejoined him with the pizza now sitting on the coffee table open and smelling of carby goodness.

            “Will too.” Dean gave Castiel a teasing wink before picking up a slice of pizza to dig into. “Sgood.”

             “I can see that,” Castiel smiled slightly.

            “I’m glad you came over,” Dean said with a smile.

            “Me too.”

            “I have a little brother...his name is Sam….I-” Dean stared at the coffee table and at the grease that was congealing on the cheese of the pizza.

            “You what, Dean?”

            “I...nevermind. Doesn’t matter.”

            “Okay…”

            Dean gave Castiel another smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

            “Yes.”

            “What happened at that party you were at?” Dean watched Castiel and almost kicked himself when he saw Castiel flinch. “I mean...you called the cops?”

            “Yes,” Castiel said coldly. “I called the cops. Are you going to ditch me too now?”

            “What? No-I just...I mean, you’re usually so talkative and then you came back from that party and you got real quiet and stuff-...I just...I noticed...and I got worried is all...I mean you’re talking now but I think that’s because we’re alone.”

            Castiel shifted in his spot on the floor, pushing his pizza away, no longer hungry. “I called the cops, that’s all you really need to know Dean.”

            “I won’t judge you Cas-”

            “Dean I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” Castiel shook his head, wrapping his arms around his legs again. “It’s nothing. It’s nothing.”

            It was easy to see that whatever _it_ was, it was clearly not nothing but Dean did not pester Castiel further. “So, video games?”

            After a moment’s pause, Castiel nodded reluctantly. “Video games.”

 

xxxx

 

            “Freckles, long time no see.” Ruby smiled at Dean as she dug through her locker trying to find her last homework assignment.

            “I want you to apologize to Cas.”

            Ruby snorted, finally finding the homework, carefully pulling it free from a notebook. “Why would I do that?”

            “Because he’s your _friend_ , and he really needs friends right now. I’m worried about him, Ruby. He skipped school today and does he really seem like _that_ kind of guy?” Leaning forward Dean put himself into Ruby’s personal space, which made her glance over at him nervously a few times. “Hm?”

            “Okay, okay I’ll talk to him. Jesus Christ, get married already. Oh, by the way, you’re invited to my Halloween party which is way cooler than Homecoming so you better be there, bitch.”

            “I’ll think about it. Talk to Cas, Ruby.”

            “I _will_. God, get your panties out of a bunch man.” Ruby rolled her eyes before turning to go to her next class. The fact that Castiel had missed school today, and she hadn’t noticed began to bother her. She reassured herself that Castiel was fine and that he was just having a sick day, everyone had sick days. By the time the day ended however, she ran from the school to Castiel’s house, her bag’s strap breaking on the way. If Dean, who hardly knew Castiel was worried, she should have been too. She rang the doorbell over and over, probably annoying everyone inside, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. “Come on, answer the door-”

            “Ruby,” Mrs. Novak said. Castiel and his grandmother had the same blue eyes, and Ruby could see the surprise in them.

            “Hello Mrs. Novak, is Castiel home?”

            “Yes, he’s upstairs, he isn’t feeling so well today, it may not be a good time-”

            “Please? Please, it’s important.” Ruby gave Castiel’s grandmother a desperate stare, her heart pounding frantically against her chest. “Please.”

            “Well alright, but if he asks you to go-”

            “I will. Thank you.” Ruby squeezed around Castiel’s grandmother and then ran up the stairs, bursting into Castiel’s bedroom without knocking. “Cas?” Castiel’s room was empty, which only worried Ruby further so she backpedaled and tried the bathroom door, bursting in the same way she had burst into his bedroom. “Oh my God-”

            Nothing could have prepared her for the scene she stumbled upon in the bathroom. No amount of horror films, books, or violent TV shows could have prepared her for the reality of what blood looked like on white tile; it was candy apple red and not a dark maroon like on TV. For a moment, as her breath left her body and her mind wandered away Ruby could have believed that the blood was not even real. The world went silent and her ears began to ring and that ring grew louder and louder with every labored breath she squeezed through her lungs. Movement seemed impossible, what with her feet rooted to the floor in the doorway. She had never expected to find her friend like this.

            Castiel was lying in the bathtub, his arms cut open and bleeding slowly over the edges and into the water he had drawn. The broken bookbag that she had dragged to his house began to slide down her shoulder and the thud that it made as it hit the ground seemed miles away. This could not be happening and Castiel was not lying in a bathtub of his own blood. The reality of the situation slowly set in and she realized that Castiel was _lying in a bathtub of his own blood_. Lungs still feeling too tight, Ruby made her way over to him and touched his face; he felt warm still to her touch, and a soft breath kissed her palm as he lay there dying. Her voice broke as she said his name, “Cas….Cas... _Cas_!”

            Castiel’s eyelids fluttered slightly as Ruby continued to talk to him, her voice choked with tears and fear. Towels, she needed a towel; the bathroom was soon a quick, torn apart mess as she finally found a towel to try and staunch the bleeding. White was soon pink, was soon crimson. There was too much, there was too much, too fast. Normally, Ruby was not the praying type but she begged God and all of his angels to keep Castiel alive as she shakily grabbed for her phone in her blood soaked hands. The 911 operator could barely understand her frantic sentences, but Ruby knew that she was not being cohesive; Castiel was dying, there wasn’t time for cohesive.

            “We’re dispatching help to your location now, please don’t move.”

            The voice, which sounded so robotic and unemotional in her ear made Ruby shake and scream. “He’s _dying_ and you act like you don’t care!” The operator continued to try and calm her but eventually the shaking in her hands caused the phone to drop back down to the tile on the floor. The ringing returned to her ears, or maybe that was the sirens of the arriving ambulance, she wasn’t sure anymore. The EMTs arrived to collect Castiel but Ruby did not want to let him go. She held onto his body even when they tried to pull her away; she screamed, scratched, and clawed at the men until an vast amount of exhaustion made her body slump back against the wall. Someone was kneeling beside her, checking her pulse, her eyes.

            “She’s in shock.”

            Of course, she wanted to say. Of course she was in shock. They were taking Castiel away and he could die or maybe he was dead by now. There had been so much blood; there were red stains all over the bathroom, her hands, her bag, her phone, the shower curtain. The room looked like a murder scene, and she had blood on her hands. The stains would never come out, there was not enough bleach in the world to remove the stains from the bathroom walls or from her memory. There was someone trying to make her stand up but her legs wouldn’t work, so eventually she was just being carried out of the room and being taken to another ambulance. A heavy blanket draped over her shoulders made her feel so heavy and all she wanted to do was lay down and stop being. Maybe if she stopped being, then this would no longer be reality, and she could wake up from this nightmare.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

           “Dean...Dean wake up.” Benny gently shook Dean awake, trying to keep his voice even and gentle.

            Dean groaned into his pillow before slowly rolling over and glaring at Benny with the hardest look he could muster before dawn. “Whut?”

            “Dean...I have some news about Castiel Novak..his grandmother was just on the phone with me.”

            Dean immediately sat up, the words startling him completely awake. “What about Cas?” He hadn’t heard from Castiel since he had stayed the night at his house a few nights ago. He had charged Ruby with going to talk to him but he hadn’t heard from her either. “What’s wrong?”

            Benny sighed heavily. “Castiel tried to kill himself yesterday.”

            The words hit Dean like a ton of bricks and he could only sit and listen to them repeat like a broken record in his mind. _Castiel tried to kill himself yesterday, Castiel tried to kill himself yesterday, Castiel tried to kill himself-Castiel-_. “What?” he finally managed to whisper.

            “No one really knows why, but he was found in the bathtub yesterday around when school let out by Ruby Mills.”

            “No... _no_ , no, no he wouldn’t, no-no-” Dean stared at Benny brokenly, shaking his head back and forth. “No.”

            “I’m sorry Dean.”

            “He’s not dead, right? He’s still alive-”

            “Yes, the doctors were able to get him back to us, but he’s in the psych ward right now. He’s under a suicide watch and then I’m not sure what will happen to him,” Benny continued still in low tones for Dean’s benefit. “He’ll probably be released once the watch is over and he is cleared medically.”

            Dean’s mouth felt dry and his tongue felt twice its usual size. Everything was falling apart, just like it had before right before he had run away from home. He could still hear his father screaming at him about being gay, about what a disappointment he was to the family name. Sam had hid under the kitchen table out of fear. After his father had passed out from too many shots of whiskey and Sam had been tucked in, Dean had packed his belongings, stolen his father’s cassettes and money, and then he had left. The first bus out of Lawrence had been to some city he couldn’t remember and from there he had hitch hiked. Somehow, with some weird twist of fate, he had ended up here in Silverbay and his life was just so _normal_ ; he had friends, he went to school, he had come to find that not only did he enjoy his classes but he was doing well in them.

            And then he had befriended and met Castiel and life had made even _more_ sense. Castiel had been the first boy he had ever really fantasized about kissing or touching in any context. He had had countless fantasies about other fictional people on TV, but never a real life boy he could tangibly touch and know. But now Castiel was lying in a hospital bed because he had tried to commit suicide, and Dean’s life was falling apart all over again. Though the circumstances were different, this feeling felt so familiar to him, and he had vowed to never feel that lost ever again. Castiel Novak, the boy with the blue jeans eyes, had changed that in a matter of seconds. He was lost.

Again.

            “Benny?” he whispered, his voice breaking and cracking on the final syllable of Benny’s name.

            “Dean?”

            Dean sniffed and his lower lip trembled dangerously, the levees threatening to break. “I don’t want Cas to die.”

            “I know boy, I don’t either.” Benny rubbed Dean’s back slowly, in the gentle circles that Dean responded well to.

            “But Cas does,” Dean continued, his voice cracking again. “Cas wants to die.”

            “He can get help Dean-”

            “We were supposed to go out tonight,” Dean lamented, the tears starting to fall down his cheeks and nose. “On a date, a real date...and now we can’t...but maybe if we had before...earlier-”

            “Dean, if Castiel had had the mind to try and kill himself, I don’t think you changin’ the day of your date would’ve made much of a difference.” Benny watched helplessly as Dean started to sob, so he did what any parent would have done with a child who had been dealt a terrible hand, he wrapped Dean up in his arms and let him cry it out. “I know you’re afraid Dean, I know you’re afraid for Castiel, but he’ll get better. Nobody ever said life would be easy, and nobody ever said that likin’ someone would be easy either.”

            Dean could only blubber in response. Even he knew that Benny was right; he did like Castiel as his family and friend. He had considered suicide a few times before running away from home; he _knew_ what it was like to feel that alone, empty, and desperate. Part of him wished that Castiel would have opened up to him more, wishing Castiel could have _told_ him everything, but part of him also knew how hard it was to open up to yourself, let alone to other people. Castiel did not know him that well, he did not know him enough to just tell him his life story. But maybe Castiel could have spoken to Ruby or a teacher. Someone else other than him. Anyone else.

            “I just want Cas to be okay,” he muttered after some of the crying died down.

            “Me too, Dean. Me too.” Benny nodded, still rubbing Dean’s back. He kept Dean wrapped in his arms tightly, staring up at the ceiling while Dean buried his face in his chest to cry some more.

“Can I go see him?”

            Benny blinked, slowly coming back to the present, glancing down at Dean who was now staring up at him desperately, his green eyes full of hope. “I’m not sure if he’s allowed visitors but I’ll call Rose and see what she says about it, alright?”

            “Thanks Benny….what time is it?”

            Benny glanced over at the clock which flickered constantly; he would have to change the batteries on it soon. “Almost six.”

            “I’ll get up and go see Nomad I guess….can’t go back to sleep now anyway.”

            “Alright.” Benny gave Dean’s back one last rub before helping him sit up so he could stand himself. “I’ll make ya some breakfast, somethin’ light.”

            “Thanks.” Despite having just said that he couldn’t have gone back to sleep, Dean yawned, trying to cover his mouth with his hands but another yawn hit him and it became a pointless battle. Benny left and Dean listened to his footsteps until he heard him start to fiddle in the kitchen before finally getting out of bed to put on some warm clothes. He just hoped Nomad was in the mood to see him this early. The walk to the stable was long and cold, the October air biting through his thick coat despite having layering up before leaving the house. The inside of the stable wasn’t much better but at least the horses were out of the elements.

            Dean flicked the lights on, which startled all of the animals but they were used to the lights, and after a moment the horses were resettled, and Dean began the walk down to Nomad’s stable. He had been working with the skittish horse bit by bit since Benny had introduced them, and even though at first he had thought that caring for an animal he didn’t understand would have been a pointless task, he now found that he and Nomad had a lot in common.

            “Hey pony, what’s up?” Dean smiled as Nomad lifted his head and perked his ears. “You happy to see me this early? I’m happy to see you….I mean it’s easy to talk to you since you can’t talk back….I gotta vent, okay? So, do me a solid and just stand there and listen to me, okay? My best friend, Castiel? Remember him? I introduced you guys once? That night he came over? Yeah, him...he’s real cute and nice and stuff...but he’s been having this...real rough time and...he-” Dean wasn’t even sure if he could say the words out loud.

            Nomad watched him, lowering his head now and again to collect some hay and nibble. Dean glanced up at the horse, almost feeling silly for talking to him as if he were a real person but he could tell all of his secrets to Nomad and the horse could never repeat them; it was a perfect system.

            “Cas tried to kill himself,” he finally spat out quietly. He said the words like they were poison. “He almost died man...he almost-and we had a freaking date tonight. A _date_. A real date...I was gonna have Benny come and pick him up and then we were gonna go see a movie together. I was gonna try and hold his hand and maybe we could have kissed….but-” Dean paused, his voice threatening to break again, “but he...he tried to kill himself. Cas is-...Cas _deserves_ more than that, you know? I mean, when I wanted to kill _myself_ there was only Sammy to care about me, but no one else woulda missed me...Cas has got loads of people to  miss him. His grandma, Ruby, Benny, Ezra, me...and I’m sure there are others too. I bet even you would miss him. The kids at school are such assholes though. I just wish Cas would realize how much we love him….cuz we do. We love him….thanks for listening buddy, that was nice of you.”

            Nomad nickered as if in response before walking up to Dean to sniff at his hair and face. Dean smiled, petting and scratching his nose; there were tears rolling down his face again, so when Nomad rest his head down along his shoulder blade, Dean realized the horse was trying to comfort him. Slowly, Dean eased his arms around the horse’s neck, petting and stroking his mane, tangling his fingers in tightly. The sob that wrenched its way out made his body jerk and he thanked whatever god or deity that was watching over him in the moment because Nomad remained still rather than jerking away out of fear.

            “You’re a good horse,” he praised quietly before pulling away and wiping his face clean on his sleeves. “And lookit you, you’re all healthy looking now. That’s good….I gotta go eat my own breakfast now but I’ll see you after school, okay?” Dean raised his hand in a wave before turning to leave the stable, flicking the lights off in his wake.

 

xxxx

 

            “He was in the bathtub...there was so much blood…” Ruby stared at the desk in the councilor’s office, not able to raise her eyes to meet anyone’s gaze. With Castiel’s suicide attempt had come a wave of shock around the school and everyone’s opinion had varied; some people were devastated by Castiel’s attempt, others felt bad of course because that was a decent human feeling, but then there were the select view who believed Castiel, an openly gay student, had been asking for it and really should have succeeded. Ruby felt as if it was no one’s business but the Novak’s, but she also had no choice but to sit in an office with the school psychologist to be evaluated over the tragedy.

            “How often do you think on the imagery?” the man asked quietly, taking notes now and again.

            “I don’t know...a lot. I mean, I close my eyes and I just see his arms opened up like some sort red river. I thought he was dead to be honest….but then I went to him and he was still warm, maybe that was the bathwater I don’t know...but he still had a pulse, so I just dialed 911. Like what else was I supposed to do? Just let him lay there and die? No! Sure, we had a fight recently but he’s still my friend. I still consider Cas my _friend_. And you know it’s really no one’s fucking business about what Castiel did except his fucking family, so I wish you people would stop plastering the news around like the whole world should know-”

            “Miss. Mills, language-”

            “No! No I will fucking curse and cuss and pull out every stop in the book because my _friend tried to kill himself_ you heartless asshat! And all of those people out there can just go choke on a dick because it’s none of their fucking business what Castiel did or did not do! He’s sick and he needs help and there are _people_ out there who are saying he should have succeeded! What kind of _sick_ person says that a suicidal person should have succeeded in killing themselves?!” Ruby stood and began to pace around the room. Angry, frustrated tears filled her eyes and she was ready to pull her hair out by the root.

            “How long were you friends with Mr. Novak?”

            “Cas and I became friends immediately...I don’t know, there was just something about him, you know? I took one look at him and I was like ‘Wow you are such a virgin’ because he _looked_ like a virgin and then he just laughed at me...and I _knew_ that we would be best friends, you know? Like, he was so great and awesome and he does not deserve the crap he gets on a daily basis! Cas is a _good_ guy, he is a nice person, and he is respectable, and he does his fucking homework on time and-and-” She had to stop talking and pacing, instead turning to stare out at the parking lot from the office window, tears preventing her from speaking again.

            “And what, Miss. Mills?”

            “And...he-...he was- _is_ this excellent and saintly human being. He deserves better, he has a right to live just like everyone else. Why does everyone have to keep commenting on his orientation like it makes a difference. It _doesn’t_ make a difference damn it.” The fall colors were Castiel’s favorite and Ruby could distinctly recall how they used to rake all of the leaves in his grandmother’s backyard and then crash into them for hours. “He really likes this time of year,” she whispered.

            “Miss. Mills, _considering_ your clear distress, if you like you may be dismissed for the day.”

            “No...no I should be here...I have to get Cas’ work-”

            “He is not going to be held accountable for missing assignments, he will be excused-”

            “I don’t _care_!” Ruby snapped, casting the councilor a glare. “I don’t care. Cas cares. Cas likes to do his work and his assignments and he’ll be very upset if he doesn’t get them, so I am going to get them for him because that’s what _good_ friends do, okay? I have to go to class now.” Ruby did not wait for the man to say anything else, she simply picked up her backpack and stormed out of the office towards her first class.

            Around the corner stood Meg Masters, who had also once been Castiel’s friend, and her boyfriend Alastair. The guy gave her the creeps but to each their own she supposed. At first, Ruby didn’t hear what was being said but then one sentence made its way to her ears that made her stop dead in the hallway:

           “Yeah that’s right, the little bastard should have cut a little deeper, I mean it’s not like anyone wants him around anyway.”

           Ruby slowly turned around, her fists clenching in rage. How _dare_ Alastair make that kind of comment about Castiel. Did Alastair even _know_ Castiel? “Hey assbutt.”

           Alastair turned sharp and evil eyes on Ruby, his eyebrow raising. “You talkin’ to me, Sweetcheeks?”

            “Yeah I am.” In two strides Ruby was in Alastair’s space and she shoved him hard enough to knock him back a few steps. “Talk about my friend like that again and I will fucking cut you.”

            “Get out of here Ruby,” Meg said, stepping in between them with a roll of her eyes. “Everyone is allowed their own opinion.”

            “You _used_ to be Castiel’s friend, what the hell happened?! Actually, it doesn’t matter what happened. A _decent_ human being would be upset that Castiel tried to kill himself, that he almost _died_ , friend or not. You two are fucking losers.” She turned her glare up to its full power, silently wishing Alastair would trip and break one of his legs, before storming down the hallway, not caring when everyone turned to stare at her.

            “You’re _all_ fucking losers,” she snapped to the class before taking her seat.

            “Miss. Mills-”

            “ _What_? You gonna yell at me because I used the f word? So _what_? A kid almost dies and it’s totally not justified for me to use the f word? Get fucking real, Teach.” If it had been legal Ruby would have removed one of her cigarettes and lit up right then and there; she really could have used the smoke. Her mind wandered in class back to Castiel in the bathtub, the way he had looked in that blood stained water, the way his arms had been so sticky with blood that she was still trying to wash the stains out of her clothing.

            The only person to have ever honestly understood her had been Castiel Novak, a stranger to their town three years ago, but in a matter of weeks they had been so close that his grandmother had had a hard time separating them from one another. He had never once judged her for anything that she did, whether her choices were questionable or not. And in one moment, she had dismissed him just like everyone else had. One mistake and Castiel had fallen from grace, and Ruby had watched his fall without any feeling. Perhaps if she had stuck by him, he wouldn’t have felt the need to kill himself. If he would have just had a person to vent to, then perhaps he would not be in the psych ward on a 72 hour lockdown.

           The bell rang and Ruby didn’t move from her seat because she just kept seeing Castiel lying in that stark white bathtub surrounded by the red; the blood had been bright, not like the movies at all. Almost gaudy and fake, as if it hadn’t been real. Maybe, Castiel would pull a Sherlock and they could laugh about it later; faking his own suicide to teach everyone a lesson. Castiel had always liked Sherlock. They had watched it together when it first aired on Ezra’s television because that man _had_ to have BBC in his cable package. Castiel could walk back into the school tomorrow with a smile on a his face and claim that they were all crazy, that that had not really been his body lying there in that tub. But every time Ruby closed her eyes she saw the image, almost Christ-like, emblazoned into her retinas. Ruby didn’t move until she felt someone touch her shoulder and she realized that the bell had rung and she was late for her next class.

            Castiel would be disappointed if he did not get his assignments, or that was what she kept muttering to the teacher as he walked her out of the room and back down to the front office. Castiel’s picture was on display on the television screen. Why were they treating him as if he _had_ died? Castiel was _not_ dead; he was just sick, and he needed help. “He’s not dead,” she snapped to the secretary. “Everyone needs to stop acting like he is.” She did not see the looks of pity that were doled her way as she returned to the councilor’s office.

 

xxxx

 

             “Dean! Wait-”

            Dean paused in the hallway, glancing back as Ruby ran her way up to him, her blonde hair flying behind her. “Ruby-”

           “Hi,” she gasped when she finally reached him, using his shoulder for support as she caught her breath again. “Sorry-”

          “Where have you been all day?”

          “Councilor’s office...they haven’t pulled you in yet?” Ruby blinked, staring at Dean in surprise. “Seriously? They take me and not you? What the hell-”

         “You found him Ruby,” Dean reminded her quietly.

         “Yeah...yeah I know I found him….God-....” She shook her head and covered her mouth to fight back an onslaught of tears. So many had been shed already that Ruby did not feel like crying even _more_ , especially in the middle of the hallway where people were starting to stare at them as if they were on a circus display.

         “You should go home,” Dean insisted, pulling her off to the side so they were no longer a roadblock in the hallway. “You’re a mess.”

         “Aren’t _you_?” she demanded in return, searching his eyes for the hopes that she was not the only one ready to fall apart at the seams.

        “Honestly? I’m always a mess. It’s a constant twenty-four, seven mess up here.” Dean tapped his temple. “Trust me, you don’t want to know what goes on up here half of the time. But yeah...I mean I’m...upset, if that’s what you’re asking.”

       “I just...he doesn’t deserve this-”

       “No one deserves this Ruby.”

       “And they’re all acting like he’s dead and he’s _not_ dead. Cas is not dead, he’s going to be fine. He’s going to get better. Why is everyone acting like he’s dead?” Ruby shook Dean by the shoulders, wanting him to give her the answers that she could not form herself. “Why?” Her voice broke and they both knew she was no longer asking why Castiel was being memorialized prematurely. “Why’d he do it, Dean?”

       Dean shook his head and blinked rapidly a few times. “I don’t know...I don’t know…”

      “I shouldn’t have ditched him like that, I should have just stood by him-”

      “This isn’t your fault Ruby-”

       “Isn’t it though?! I _enabled_ those bastards in teasing him. I just stood by and watched it happen. There are two kinds of evil people in this world: those who commit evil acts and those who see evil but do nothing to stop it-”

       “Is that...a _Mean Girls_ quote? Did you just quote _Mean Girls_ at me?” Dean stared at her in disbelief.

       “Shut up-and since when do _you_ know about Mean Girls anyway? You lived under a rock before coming here, remember? The _point_ is that I saw what people were doing to him, what they said, the way they tortured him and I just stood by and did nothing at all. What kind of friend am I if I can’t stand by my friend when he’s in need of me? If I hadn’t-...if I had just _been_ there for him, had looked for the signs and clues-”

       “Ruby, you couldn’t have stopped him, not if his mind was made up about it-”

       “God, shut up! Shut the fuck up! Jesus Christ I am _sick_ of people telling me that bullshit! If I had looked for the hallmarkers or whatever, maybe we could have stopped him. Maybe he could have gotten help! Stop saying that I couldn't have stopped him because I could have.”

       “Are we allowed to see him? Benny said he’d ask about it but I don’t know if he did yet or not.”

        “I don’t think so, I think he’s pretty much on lockdown so he doesn’t hurt himself or whatever the hell….God I would give both of my kidneys to go see him right now.”

       “If you gave them both up, you’d be in a lot of trouble Ruby,” Dean teased. Making light of the situation was probably not a great idea but they could both use a smile at this point.

       “You know what I meant assbutt!” Ruby did smile however and she gave Dean a small push as they both began to walk to class. The bell had rung a few minutes ago but none of the teachers seemed to mind today that they would be late to class, not with the distress they were under.

      “Yeah I know… just trying to make you smile… it worked.”

      “You’re a good guy too, you know that? I mean you kinda came off like an asshole at first but I don’t know, I like you. And thanks… for being there for Cas, when I wasn’t. Especially when I wasn’t.” Ruby stared at the ground guiltily; she was glad that Castiel had found a friend in Dean. He needed friends now more than ever before.

      “Yeah...well...I gotta get to art class, okay? I’ll see you later-”

      “Dean?”

     “Yeah?”

     “Do you want to hang out after school today? I don’t...I don’t want to be alone..” Ruby cast Dean a sheepish glance, ashamed to admit that out loud but if anyone was going to understand her feelings at the present, it was Dean.

     “Yeah Ruby, we can do that.”

     “Awesome...see you then.”

      Dean nodded before heading off towards the art room.

      Balthazar glanced up at him when he walked in, but did not say anything about Dean’s tardiness. Class went on normally, except Dean could not seem to draw or create anything, he just stared at the page on the table blankly. Castiel should have been here; he should have been right beside Dean drawing. Wet spots were dripping onto the paper, waring the material thin. When Dean touched them with his fingers, the page tore underneath the pressure; it took him a moment to realize that he was crying and the ceiling was not in fact springing a spontaneous leak.

      “Dean,” Balthazar said quietly, squeezing his shoulder. “Let’s go to my office.”

       He could only nod, so with every eye on him Dean stumbled off to Balthazar’s office where he was placed into a comfortable chair and given a cookie from where he had no idea. He ate it mindlessly, the tears unable to stop now that they had started.

      “Do you want to walk about it?” Balthazar asked, slowly sitting down in front of Dean, his hands clasped together as he leaned forward.

“I just...I want him to be okay...and I don’t know if he’s okay…”

        “Castiel is strong Dean, he’s very passionate-”

         “He’s not _that_ strong,” Dean snarled. How could Balthazar _say_ that Castiel was strong when clearly Castiel had become so fragile that suicide had been his only answer?

        “No, Castiel _is_ strong,” Balthazar insisted. “And he will grow in strength as he grows in health. All he needs is a decent support system which he has found in his family and friends. All he needs is some guidance in the right direction.”

       “You ever have someone you love try to off themselves?” Dean stared at the ground, the cookie forgotten.

       “Yes. I have had that happen before. My mother.”

        Alarmed, Dean startled and raised his eyes to Balthazar’s. “I’m sorry-I didn’t mean-”

       “It’s alright Dean, I’ve come to terms with what happened to her.”

        “Did..I mean did she…?”

        “Yes.”

         “I’m sorry,” Dean whispered, dropping his gaze back to the floor.

         “That was a very long time ago and my mother had her reasons, just like Castiel had his. My mother was not lucky enough to have had a chance to get professional help, but Castiel does. And I think, over time, he will heal and be alright. He’s very young and troubled...but not broken. Not completely.”

         Balthazar spoke with such surety that Dean could only nod and believe what the guy was saying. Believing that Castiel would indeed be okay and healthy again one day was a hell of a lot easier than thinking that he would never be okay again. “Thanks,” he muttered.

        “Anytime Dean.”

        There were crumbs in his hands where a cookie had used to be. Dean stared at the remnants of the thing that had been meant to comfort him; the pieces of the cookie felt to the ground and Dean stared at them. They fell in a dust and for a moment, Dean pretended that they were stars, falling away to their death into the black expanse of space. Castiel was like stardust, floating away into that blackness. Dean wasn’t sure how to stop a star from falling, but he was determined to put Castiel back into the sky to shine.

 

xxxx

 

             The hospital nurses were possibly the nicest people that Castiel had ever had the pleasure of knowing, even if he could hardly recall his hospital stay. They had put him on so many different medications that he could remember the hospital in bits and pieces, but they never made sense, and sometimes he wondered if he had actually dreamt about some of the experiences rather than having actual memories. By the end of his stay, he had been cleared for out-patient care, and given a step by step plan to recover from the attempted suicide. That was how he ended up in therapy.

           Of all of the things he could not relive  and all of the things he did remember, he did have a vivid memory of what he had done; the way he had cut his body open in the bathtub and how the blood had come out like he had opened a slow faucet; that part he remembered well. His mind had been racing and telling him to just end it. There was no more fighting his inner demons, there was no point in trying to pretend that he was going to be okay anymore. There was no more hiding from what had happened that night. He had faced himself in the mirror and he had whispered the words out loud. His voice had seemed so alien to his ears, as if he he were not the one saying them out loud.

_I was raped_.

        He said the phrase over and over, convincing himself that it _had_ happened, despite his attempts to just forget. He had been raped at that party back in September and there was no changing that fact.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

             “Castiel.” Benny stared in actual surprise at the young man who stood on his front porch step, looking sheepish and guilty as if he shouldn’t have been here at all. “How did you get all the way out here?”

            “Grandma gave me money for a cab...she’d drive but she can’t anymore...is...is Dean home?” Castiel bit his lip and hoped that he had not come all this way for nothing.

            “He’s out at the stable with the horses. You’re free to go back there if you like.”

            “Thank you.” Castiel nodded and ducked off of the porch, kicking small rocks on his way over to the stables. He had not been back to school since his release from the hospital and Halloween was fast approaching; normally he went to Ruby’s Halloween party but he was going to skip out this year. The only reason he had even been allowed out of the house on his own was that he had been responding fairly well to therapy, even if it had only been a week and a half since he had been allowed back home. Plus, Castiel had begged to go and see Dean; he was one of the few people Castiel _did_ honestly want to see and talk to.

            The stables were large but most of the horses were outside, Castiel could see that as he walked up to the doors. Dean stood at the end, leaning up against a stall door and from what Castiel could hear and see, Dean was talking to someone. He kept quiet, walking slowly down the length of the stable so as not to disturb Dean in his task, whatever that happened to be.

            “I don’t know man, I think it’s by time you go on a walk with me, huh? Benny said it’d be okay and you really need to stretch your legs more often. I know you’re afraid of outside stuff but you’ll be okay, I’ll be _right_ there with you the whole time. Let me go get your-” Dean turned and cut off mid sentence. Castiel was standing not even ten feet away from him. “Cas.”

            “Hello Dean,” Castiel said quietly, clutching his hands together in front of his pelvis. “How are you?”

            “How-how am I? How-...Cas-you’re-” Dean stammered and then crossed the distance in a few strides, yanking Castiel to his body in a tight hug. “You son of a bitch, don’t you scare me like that ever again, you hear me?”

            Castiel’s vision became misty as Dean hugged him, but he did not return the gesture. He stood and allowed Dean his contact but when it became too much, he stepped back until Dean released him. “I’m sorry Dean...I’m sorry-”

            “No, it’s okay-I mean it’s not okay, but I’m glad you’re okay...you are okay, right? I mean you’re here so I assume you’re more okay than before?” Dean looked Castiel over, his eyes falling to where he could see a peak of what looked like stitches on Castiel’s wrist but then Castiel tugged on his coat sleeve to hide them again. “Sorry-not trying to stare…”

            “It’s okay,” Castiel whispered, continuing to tug on his sleeve subconsciously. Awkward silence began to fill the space so Castiel lowered his eyes to the ground, wondering if anything could go back to normal.

            “You wanna go on a walk with me and Nomad?”

            “Okay.”

            “Ugh hold on, lemme-” Dean stepped around Castiel and rushed down to the end of the stable where the tack was kept to find a lead. He grabbed the closest one and then rushed back down to the stable where Nomad and Castiel waited. “Stand back?”

            “Oh-sorry-” Castiel took a step or two back which allowed Dean to open the stall door and slowly lead Nomad out. “He looks good.”

            “Yeah,” Dean said with a smile. “He does, right? Kinda like he’s back from the dead.” It was only afterwards when Dean saw Castiel’s face that the implications of what he had just said hit him. “Oh fuck-I didn’t mean-...I’m just gonna shut up now, okay?”

            “It’s okay,” Castiel repeated.

            “So are you coming back to school?” Dean began to walk Nomad down towards the stable entrance, making sure to have a firm grip on the horse just in case he tried to bolt.

            “Yes, I will be coming back to school soon. Probably after Halloween. I’m being dismissed from my assignments but Ruby keeps collecting them for me anyway...which is nice of her, you know? She doesn’t have to do that but she does it anyway.” Castiel glanced over at Dean and a vast amount of regret filled him to his core; he had missed his date with Dean and that fact would not stop haunting him. “I’m sorry Dean..”

            “For what?”

            “For missing our date...if-if you want to try again-we can…”

            “Really?” Dean’s face lit up in excitement, clearly pleased about Castiel’s statement. “We can go on a date?”

            “Yes Dean...we can go on a date..”

            “Awesome. So do you want to go see a movie tonight? We can totally go tonight if you want-sorry is that too soon.”

            Castiel watched Dean bite his lip in nervousness. “I don’t know about tonight, my grandmother hardly let me leave to come and see you at all...but maybe after Halloween? We can go out after that...is that okay? Maybe that first weekend in November?”

            “Yeah, yeah okay. Sure. I’ll make sure Benny can drive us….sorry I know that’s super lame.” Dean rolled his eyes so dramatically that Castiel couldn’t help but laugh at him. “What? It’s true.”

            “It’s okay, I don’t mind.”

            The two of them walked Nomad around in the paddocks for almost an hour, talking and catching up as they did. Dean tried not to bring up Castiel’s attempted suicide but in the back of his mind he wanted to take Castiel by the shoulders and demand _why_? Mostly, Dean behaved and kept his questions to himself until they returned Nomad to the stables and were sitting on the porch steps of the house. Silence washed over them in a calm, but after a while Dean could feel that silence eating at his resolve. He had to know, and he had to ask.

            “Cas...why?”

            “Why what?”

            “You _know_ what,” Dean snapped, glaring over at him. “You know what I’m asking you.”

            “Dean-”

            “I wanna know why Cas...I mean if you’re struggling with stuff, fine, I get it...but at least tell me why.”

            Castiel shook his head and then ran his fingers through his hair. “Dean, it’s okay-”

            “Cas, this is _not_ okay.” Reaching over, Dean tugged Castiel’s sleeves down revealing the stitches that closed the once gaping wounds on his pale arms. “Stop saying it’s okay, it’s not okay.”

            Tears began to form and fall like dying stars on Castiel’s face. “I’m _sorry_ ,” he whispered, pulling his sleeves back down to hide the offensive wounds. “I’m sorry I did it-I’m sorry-”

            “Tell me why Cas. Is it because of those assholes at school? The ones who fuck with you and tease you? Because _they’re_ not worth tossing your life away over! Nothing is worth throwing it all away Cas. Nothing. You don’t think I never considered suicide? Because I did. My Dad beat me up on a day to day fucking basis because he’s an asshole...and I thought about ending my life a lot. I didn’t because of Sam...but Cas you have loads of people that love and care about you. People who _need_ you, man! Those jerks at school are _no one_.”

            Fear.

            Dean had felt fear first hand; the way it made the eyes widen and the pupils dilate, how a light cold sweat would break out on the body. Dean had felt that real primal fear before but he had never seen it develop on someone so quickly as it did Castiel. He stared at Dean with wide eyes, and his skin drained of all color. Even his lips lost their pinkish hue.

            “Cas? What’s wrong?” Dean reached over to place a hand along Castiel’s knee.

             “Nothing-”

             “Bull shit, there’s something wrong. Something at the party, something happened, didn’t it? What happened Cas? You can _tell_ me, okay? I won’t judge you. I’m your friend Cas, you can trust me. You gotta learn to trust someone sometime, yeah?” Castiel paused for a long time, for so long that Dean almost started to pry again.

             “I was _raped_ Dean.” Castiel breathed in deeply and raggedly, as if he had been running for miles, rather than just sitting still on the front porch. “I was raped at the party.”

            “You were-you were _what_?” Dean continued to stammer and gape at Castiel in absolute shock. “By _who_?”

            “That-that doesn’t matter. The point is that I was raped Dean...and I see him every day and then again in my sleep...I can’t escape him...the way he stared at me...the way he-” There was a long pause as Castiel gathered his thoughts back into place. He stopped short of telling Dean about the experience, about exactly how it had happened, even though he could recall it detail for detail.

            “Who else knows, Cas?” Dean slid his hand over to Castiel’s back and began to rub in circles the same way Benny did to comfort him when he was in distress. “Does anyones else know?”

            “No...you’re the first person I’ve told out loud..”

            “...son of a bitch..” Taking three deep breaths in a row did nothing for his nerves, but Dean tried to pretend he was able to keep himself together, for Castiel’s sake. “You should tell someone Cas...I mean other than me-you should _report_ the guy who did that to you. You should talk about it...tell an adult...tell Benny-tell _someone_.”

            “I did tell someone. I told you,” Castiel replied quietly. “Please don’t tell anyone Dean….I’m still working up to telling people. Please.”

            Dean could only sigh, wishing he could take Castiel inside and make him confess to Benny since Benny was an adult and would know what to do. “Okay,” he finally promised. “I won’t say anything..”

            “Thank you.”

            “You need a ride home? Benny could probably take you back…”

            “That would be nice. Thank you.”

            “Sure.” Dean stood to go and ask Benny about giving Castiel a ride home, but he still felt torn on whether or not he should tell someone about the confession he had just heard. Having friends and trying to keep them in your favor was harder than he had ever imagined.

  


xxxx

  


            “You still coming to my party Freckles?” Ruby asked as she and Dean walked together along the creek near the state park.

            “I don’t know, I want to….I don’t know.” Telling Ruby seemed like a good idea since she had been friends with Castiel the longest, but betraying Castiel’s trust after he had entrusted him with such a heavy secret… Dean wasn’t sure if he was ready to face the consequences of that kind of betrayal. At the same time, he did not like being burdened with this kind of knowledge either.

            “What’s eating you? Come on Freckles, spill.” Ruby bent down to pick up a rock and throw it ahead of them.

            “You ever have a secret that isn’t yours but it’s really fucked up, and you _know_ you should tell someone, but if you tell someone else then you’ve betrayed that person’s secret?” Dean glanced over at Ruby, watching how her blonde hair swung around her face when she picked up another rock to throw.

            “I don’t know, I suck at secrets. I mean, I can keep them and shit but I hate them. Like why tell someone a secret if you don’t want someone else to know? Because you _know_ that other person is going to run off at the mouth and then at the end go ‘Oh but don’t tell anyone because I wasn’t supposed to say anything either’ like _get real_. Stupid.” She rolled her eyes to emphasize her point and pulled out a cigarette. “Want one?”

            “Yeah.” Dean accepted the cigarette and then used the end of hers to light up. “I just..I wanna tell someone but I was asked not to, and I don’t want to betray that person, you know?”

            “Is it a secret where someone’s life is in danger?”

            “I mean...not really but I mean..kinda? I don’t know...it’s complicated.” Dean glanced over at Ruby again, taking a long draw on his cigarette. He was glad for the burn in his lungs, even though he knew if he continued to smoke bad things could happen to his health. At the moment, young and feeling invincible, he didn’t care. “It’s just really fucking complicated.”

            “If you feel like really bad in your stomach you should probably tell someone. I mean if it’s just some gossip shit that’s different...but if it’s like... _real life_ shit, you should probably tell someone. Especially if you’re actually helping the person….can I ask you something Freckles?”

            Dean nodded. The leaves were wet and dying on the ground in shades of brown and red. The earth looked as if it were bleeding in long rivulets, which Dean realized was a terrible metaphor for the current situation. “Yeah?”

            “Is it Cas? The person with the secret?” She gave him a concerned stare, her eyebrows knitting together.

            “Maybe.”

            “Fucking Christ Dean, just tell me!” When he nodded she angrily kicked a near by abandoned beer can, sending it sailing into the air. “Fuck! Something happened to him, didn’t it?! He called the fucking cops because something fucking happened to him at that party? _Didn’t_ it? Jesus Christ I am so _stupid_. Of _course_ something bad happened to him. Cas isn’t a squealer, sure he doesn't like to get into trouble but he wouldn’t just call the cops without a real reason.”

            “He was raped Ruby...he was raped at that party. I don’t know by who, he didn’t say but he was raped.”

            “Oh my God-are you serious? Of course you’re serious, sorry, I am so dumb-” Her voice cracked from the shock and distress at the idea of Castiel being raped during a party she had been at with him. “I was _there_ with him, I should have been watching-ugh God-I’m gonna throw up-”

            “Hey, hey..” Dean grabbed Ruby’s arm as she started to sink to the ground. “Whoa, whoa, easy….”

            “Who would _do_ that?! Who _does that_?!” She wanted to scream as loudly as she could because someone had raped her best friend. Some guy had taken what they had wanted from Castiel, and he had remained silent about the matter until it had almost killed him. “If I find out who did it, I’m going to kill them. I’ll rip their fucking heart out!”

            “Yeah I’m with you on that.” Dean kept Ruby from collapsing to the ground, knowing full well that if she got mud on her new jeans she would be super pissed off later. “Do you remember who was all at the party?”

            “No...there are a lot of people at that party, they come and go constantly in a flow...there’s no way I could recall...and I was super hungover so that doesn’t help..”

            “I want to help him, I hate that he’s just...suffering...you know?”

            Ruby nodded in understanding. “No I know….we should tell someone. I know he’ll be mad at us but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t tell someone.”

            “Yeah but who?”

            “I don’t know...Benny? His grandmother? _Someone_. An adult…”

            “Okay on Monday we can go to the main office and tell the guidance counselor-”

            “No. God that guy was such a moron. Maybe we could tell Castiel’s dance coach.” Ruby glanced over at Dean, hoping that he felt like that was a good idea. It sounded right to her, but Castiel had not been to his dance classes since the party. Now she knew why.

            “Do they still talk?”

            “She’s been coaching Cas since he was three, I think she could help him.”

            “What if...what if he tells his therapist though? I mean, what if we’re not giving him the right chance to say something..” Dean could feel the conflict of being Castiel’s friend; while he wanted to tell someone with authority, he also wanted to give Castiel that right to tell someone in in his own time. “I mean he’s seeing someone, so what if he tells them? Maybe we shouldn’t say anything.”

            “Shit. I didn’t think about that….okay fine, but if he doesn’t say something for a while and you find out about it, we _have_ to tell someone. Okay? Deal?” She held out her hand to him, daring him to bind this deal with a handshake.

            “Deal.”

            They shook hands firmly before continuing on their way along the creek. The colors of the trees reminded them both of blood; the reflections in the water shimmered crimson and orange. Ruby saw the creek bleeding in a similar manner to Castiel lying in the bathtub; the image came back to her and she wanted to collapse. More than anything, Ruby wanted to forget what Castiel had looked like that day but everywhere she looked she saw red. Dean felt her distress and reached over shyly to hold her hand. They comforted each other in silence.

  


xxxx

  


            “You want to go to a _real_ party?”

            Dean glanced up at the girl who had addressed him. She was pretty with long dark brown hair and makeup. She wasn’t wearing a costume, just jeans, a tight shirt, boots, and a leather jacket. If Dean had been straight he probably would have been wanting to date someone like her. “Who are you?”

            “Well, aren’t I offended?” she said sarcastically. “It’s _Meg_ , you douchenozzle.”

            Dean blinked a few times, trying to remember why he knew that name. “Meg…?”

            “Meg Masters? Seriously? You don’t know who I am. Jesus, you are so stupid. I’m in your P.E. class, moron.”

            “Oh-right...shit...sorry…” He nodded, remembering how why he recognized her; she was hardly ever in class but when she was she could kick just about everyone’s ass at tennis and kickball.

            “Anyway, you want to go to a real party or not?” Meg repeated, staring down at Dean where he was sitting on the steps.

            “What kind of party?” He stared at her suspiciously. She had given him no reason for distrust but he also didn’t know her that well either.

            “My boyfriend is coming to pick me up, we’re going to campus for a party at the frat house. You should come with us.”

            “We can just do that?” Dean asked stupidly.

            “Um _yeah_. We do it all of the time. Come on.” Meg held out her hand and Dean noted that her nails were long but shiny with no color on them. They were nice.

            The dilemma of wanting to stay put and wanting to go to a “real” party, whatever that could possibly mean, tore him down the middle. Meg thrust her hand in his face again, and finally Dean took it and then they were walking out of the house together. “Why me?” he asked.

            “You seem cool. Not like these other snot nosed brats that go to our school,” Meg replied with a shrug. “Besides, you looked like you were ready to blow your brains out from how bored you were.”

            “Yeah it was kinda boring.” Dean shrugged, trying to make himself fit in with her, even though he felt stupid for doing so. The car that waited for them was black with tinted windows; clearly her boyfriend’s parents had a lot of money. Meg slid into the passenger’s seat, leaving Dean to climb into the back; she kissed the guy on the mouth as a greeting and then the guy was looking back at Dean. The way he stared made Dean want to flee the car; he had evil, sharp, and calculating eyes.

            “Alastair, this is Dean Winchester. I told you about him, remember?” Meg gestured back at Dean. “Dean, this is Alastair.”

            “Ah yes, Dean,” Alastair said. His voice was quiet and soft, with an accent that Dean did not recognize by any means. “Ready for a real party, Dean?”

            “Yeah,” he muttered, even as his brain was screaming for him to climb out of the car and never look back. Meg’s boyfriend gave him the creeps and Dean was not sure _why_ , but he wanted to climb out of the window. However, the car was taking off down the street before Dean could get his door back open. He realized too late that he had no idea where they were going and they could be taking him out to some deserted road to murder him.

            “You ever been to a college party before?” Alastair asked, drawing Dean from his thoughts.

            “Nah.”

            “Hm. Much better than the kiddie party you were at just now.”

            Meg laughed and opened up the glove compartment of Alastair’s car to pull out a pack of cigarettes. “Yeah no shit,” she said, her voice muffled with one between her teeth. Smoke soon filled the car before Alastair rolled his eyes and rolled Meg’s window down, which made her snap at him to roll it back up because of how cold it was outside. Dean decided to ignore their bickering but by the time they reached the house which was thriving with life and much older students, they were practically screaming at each other and Meg was storming off to be alone.

            “Women,” Dean heard Alastair mutter as he got out of the car. The house was huge and nice looking, with letters on the front that Dean didn’t recognize. People were coming and going quickly and Dean could only go along with the flow, eventually being pushed into the main living room where there were guys and girls grinding on each other, people drinking, and playing what looked like beer pong. A beat of some trance, electronic song made the house thrum and Dean could feel the vibrations in his feet. He ended up standing off by himself, realizing how out of place he looked.

            “You look like you’re lost,” came a voice that made Dean startle and turn around.

            “What’s it to you?” he snapped defensively up at the guy.

            A confident grin spread across the stranger’s face and he held up both hands in his own defense. “Hey, not trying to upset you, put away the claws Kitten.”

            “Fuck off.”

            “ _Oh_ mouthy. I like that. I’m Michael.”

            “Yeah I don’t care, asshat.” Dean shrugged away from him, ready to back peddle and run away.

            “Easy, easy, not trying to upset you. _Relax_.” Michael reached over to a table and picked up a cup. “Here. Drink something.”

            Dean slowly took the red plastic cup away from Michael and lowered his eyes to see its contents; it looked and smelled like beer so Dean gave it a sip. “I’m Dean.”

            Michael smiled again; his grin reminded Dean of a cat who had caught a canary in its cage, too afraid and small to fly away. “Never seen you around here before.”

            “I’m...new..” he lied, squirming under Michael’s gaze. He was attractive, fit, and there was a hint of aftershave in the air that Dean liked.

            “Yeah? You a freshman?”

            “Yeah,” he half lied. Dean _was_ a freshman and he had a feeling that Michael could tell he was under eighteen and just didn’t care.

            “Huh, I guess that’s why I haven’t seen you at a party before. You’re real cute,” Michael continued, the smile that made Dean’s skin crawl returning to his face. “You here alone?”

            “I um..came with some...friends…” Dean glanced back over his shoulder, realizing that somehow Michael had gotten him into a corner and he had no way of escaping.

            “Hm….You got a boyfriend or a girlfriend, Kitten?” Michael leaned into him, his arm coming to rest above Dean’s head, pinning Dean in further.

            “....no…” Dean wanted to say yes, that he had a boyfriend, but he and Castiel had not even kissed or held hands yet. To keep Michael from leaning into his mouth, Dean drank more of his beer, swallowing roughly. He could feel his dick starting to react, even though his brain was screaming at him to leave the party. Clearly, his dick found Michael more attractive than the rest of him did.

            “Good,” Michael purred, leaning in closer. “I like your freckles, they’re pretty.”

            Dean glowered up at him, wanting to tell the guy to go fuck himself. “Get away from me.”

            “Relax Kitten, I won’t hurt you.”

            “Stop calling me that,” Dean growled, sipping his drink more hoping to fend off any advances that Michael could give him. His head was starting to feel fuzzy however, which he wasn’t sure if that was normal or not, considering he wasn’t usually effected by beer this quickly. “I’m not your Kitten.”

            Michael barked out a laugh. “I like you, so cute and feisty. I like ‘em like that.”

            “Yeah whatever,” Dean reached to shove Michael away from him but he seemed so far away, and his hand never made contact with his body. His vision swam and he stared down into the cup that he had drained a moment before. He glanced up at Michael who was smiling at him. He went to ask what he had put in the drink but Dean’s vision swam and then went black.

  


            There was someone moving above him and panting, as if they were having trouble gaining their breath. He could feel something tingling in his pelvis and then he felt a wetness dribble on his clothes and stomach. As his vision faded in and out, Dean felt that blackness come back and pull him down under into its grasp. Even as he tried to form the word, _no_. He fought the desire to slide back into unconsciousness and then the weight above him was jerked away and someone was yelling.

            “What are you doing?! What the fuck are you doing-get off of him-you sick fuck-...hey..hey are you okay?”

            Dean opened his eyes again and saw a face he did not recognize. Sitting up was difficult and he couldn’t sit up enough to move off of the bed that was beneath him. Words were even more difficult, and then the face disappeared and all he could see was the distant ceiling. Something was buzzing in his ear; his phone. A phone. Someone’s phone. Dean turned his head to look over and saw the cell phone buzzing wildly but his arm was too heavy to lift. He couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

  


xxxx

  


            “Hello?”

            “Um...hi...is this um...Benny, I think the...name was…..” Meg glanced at Dean’s phone again.

            “Who is this?” Benny frowned and sat up. Dean’s number had called him but some girl was talking to him. Dean was supposed to be at Ruby’s tonight, _all_ night.

            “Um, sorry-I’m Meg? I’m...Dean’s friend...he’s um...he needs someone to come and get him. He’s pretty trashed.”

            “Where are you?”

            “We’re at the college-”

            “What’s the address?” Benny stood up quickly and jotted the address the girl rattled off to him and then Benny was outside and into his truck to break every traffic law he could to get to Dean. The frat house was two hours out and even though Benny went well over the speed limit, he still did not make it under an hour and a half. There were still students stumbling out of the house and entering when Benny pushed his way inside.

            Why Dean was at a college party he did not know, but he called Dean’s phone again in hopes that the girl who had found him would answer again. “Meg? Where are you?” Benny bullied his way up the stairs at her direction and came into the room where Dean was lying on the bed, the girl on the phone and some guy he did not recognize were also in the room. “How’d you know to call me?” he demanded as he walked over to Dean.

            “Um...it was the last number he dialed...I just figured I’d call around...see who answered..”

            Benny knelt beside Dean and touched his forehead and face. “What happened?” he growled.

            “I don’t know, I’m sorry-” Meg held up both hands, staring at him helplessly. “Some other guys were in here with him when I came in….I don’t know what happened.”

            Dean’s pants were around his ankles and Benny had a feeling he knew what had happened to the poor boy. Carefully, Benny pulled Dean’s jeans back up to his waist, redressing him carefully before sitting him upright. Dean groaned, his head falling back. “Easy boy,” he whispered, wiping some hair off of Dean’s forehead.

            “I’m _so_ sorry, I wouldn’t have brought him if I had thought-” Meg began but Benny shot her a death glare which shut her up quickly enough.

            Benny lifted Dean up and began to carry him out of the room and back down the stairs. He could hear Dean whimpering and groaning from the rough jostling. “I’m sorry Dean, I got you. Alright? I got you.” He had half a mind to light the whole house on fire but Benny knew that would only end with him in jail and Dean without a home, so instead he carried Dean out to his truck and buckled him in. “Gonna take you to the hospital.”

            Dean’s head fell against the window and he struggled to wake up as Benny began to drive back towards the hospital. Benny tried to keep his eyes on Dean and the road, but eventually he had to give up watching over Dean. He couldn’t afford to accidentally veer off of the road and land them both in the hospital. “Almost there boy,” he said, which was more for himself than for Dean since Dean was hardly conscious. He pulled up to the ambulance entrance and left the truck running.

            Careful not to hit Dean’s head on anything, Benny carried Dean into the emergency room, calling for help. Nurses flanked him on either side seemingly from nowhere, and Dean was placed on a gurney and being looked over. A sense of helplessness flooded Benny to his core because not only did he not know what happened to Dean, he did not know what was in Dean’s system and how much of it was still affecting him. “He was raped,” he managed to spit out, pretty sure on that assumption. A nurse put a hand on his chest, telling him that he needed to stay where he was, so to distract himself Benny made his way back out to move his truck.

            Waiting for the nurses and doctors to assess and care for Dean was the worst part of the whole ordeal. He paced the emergency room’s waiting room back and forth several times, moving from chair to chair in his anxiety. Dean had been drugged and raped. The thought that Dean, a kid who had suffered his entire life, had been taken advantage of at a party by some creep made Benny want to set fire to everything and anything he could get his hands on. Dean did not need more hardship and trauma in his life; he had suffered enough.

            Benny had made Dean a promise, perhaps an unspoken promise, but it still stood in Benny’s mind; he had sworn that he would not allow Dean to come to anymore harm. He had sworn that he would keep Dean safe and sound, and that he would no longer suffer such terrible wounds and agonies in his heart. He had sworn that the moment he had decided to take Dean in, and Benny had failed him. As a parent, Benny had _failed_ Dean. That final thought was enough to knock the breath from his lungs and ge could only sink into the nearest chair and cover his face in agony. The tears were soon to follow.

            “Sir?”

            Sniffing and wiping his face, Benny glanced up at a doctor who was looking at him in concern. “Yeah?”

            “You brought in the young man-”

            “Dean, his name is Dean.”

            “Yes. Dean. We found traces of Rohypnol in his system-”

            “What is that?”

            “Um, it’s known to be used as a date rape drug. He’s awake now but he’s not cooperating with the nurses. We would like to do a rape kit on him. As he is a minor we do need your permission to do the kit.”

            “He’s awake?” Benny stood, ready to see Dean right then and there. “I would like to see him.”

            “Sure. Right this way.”

            Benny followed the doctor down the hallway to where Dean was behind a curtain, sitting up and looking afraid. “Dean.”

            “Benny! Tell ‘em to stop touchin’ me.” Dean glared at the nurses with the latex gloves who stood beside him helplessly.

            “Can I talk to him alone please?” Benny asked.

“We’ll be right out here,” the doctor said before nodding and ushering the nurses away, and drawing the privacy curtain shut. Dean sat on the bed, looking small and boyish in the large hospital gown. “Dean...do you know what happened to you?”

            “No! Why am I here? I was at that party, talking to some guy, and now I’m here. What the hell happened?” Dean wrapped his arms around his torso and stared up at Benny in fear.

            “What _do_ you remember, Dean?” Benny asked gently, keeping his hands to himself for the moment.

            “I told you! I was at the party, I was talking to this guy, drinking a beer, and then I wake up and I’m here. I don’t remember anything else-they don’t believe me-” Dean ended his sentence on a whine, hugging his thin body tightly. “And they wanna do this weird thing to me-”

            Benny sank down on his haunches so he was closer to Dean’s eye level, resting his hands on Dean’s. “Dean, when I found you, you were mostly undressed. You said you were talkin’ to a guy?”

            “Yeah…”

            “I think he gave you some drugs to take advantage of you,” Benny began slowly. “He gave you roofies, that’s what the doctors said is in your system. The guy you were talking to, raped you Dean.” Benny’s heart broke when saw Dean’s green eyes widen in shock, and he gave Dean’s hand a squeeze.

            “I was raped?”

            “We don’t know for sure, they wanna do some tests on ya to make sure. They said they need my consent to give you the rape kit but if you don’t wanna do it, I won’t force you to say yes Dean. I think you _should_ but you don’ have to do it if you don’ wanna.”

            Dean gulped and stared at the back of Benny’s knuckles trying to still his racing mind. He had been raped and he didn’t remember. He didn’t remember anything. “I shouldn’t have went to that party,” he whispered. “I should have stayed at Ruby’s. It was my fault-”

            “Dean, this was _not_ your fault,” Benny said firmly, holding Dean’s hands more firmly. “This was not your fault. I need you to understand that this was not your fault. Alright?”

            “But if I had stayed where I was supposed to stay-”

            “Dean. It’s alright.”

            “If I had shown up at home super late and hung over you would have yelled at me but because I was-...you’re not mad? That’s dumb-you woulda been mad if not-”

            “Dean, I’m tellin’ you that it’s alright. This was not your fault, you don’t gotta play that ‘what if’ game, ya hear? Don’ do that to yourself. You did not ask for what happened to you. It ain’t your fault. Do you wanna stay and do the rape kit, or do you want to go home? I think you should do it, hopefully they can get the guy who did this to you but I won’t force ya to do somethin’ you’d rather not.”

            “I just wanna go home,” Dean whispered, dropping his eyes back down to the ground. “Please.”

            “Okay Dean. Let’s go home.”

  


xxxx

           

            “You’re okay,” Ruby whispered as she continued to wrap her arms around Castiel’s shoulders tightly. They had both started crying the moment they had laid eyes on each other at school since she had not seen him since he had been taken to the hospital. “I missed you so much.”

            “I missed you too,” Castiel agreed, not moving his arms from around her waist. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

            “You _should_ be you ass,” she whispered brokenly. Ruby buried her face in Castiel’s neck; she was glad for the moment that they still stood close to the same height, as Castiel had not hit a growth spurt yet. “You can’t do that ever again, no checking out early, got it?”

            “I’m trying Ruby, I really am. I swear.” Castiel finally stepped away and put some space between the two of them. “Have you seen Dean?”

            “No. Not since the weekend. He’s been gone for a few days.” Ruby shook her head and turned to open her locker; she had hopes that she and Castiel could fall back into their comfortable rhythm as if nothing had happened. It would make her life a hell of a lot easier if it could.

            “Is he sick?” Castiel asked.

            “I have no idea. He hasn’t called me or texted or me anything so I really have no idea, I’m sorry.” Grabbing her books for her next class, Ruby shut her locker and then fell into step with Castiel as they walked down the hallway together. “It’s a shame he missed you coming back though.”

            “Yeah,” Castiel whispered.

            “You okay? Do you want another hug?” Ruby paused in walking to look Castiel over in concern; not being concerned for his mental health and well being constantly was going to be really difficult.

            “No, I’m okay,” Castiel said quickly. He gestured for them to continue walking and he followed her all of the way to her next class, even though his was on the opposite end of the building. “Can I hang out with you after school? Grandma has to go to the doctor all day and she won’t be home when I get there and I’m not really allowed to be alone, which I guess I understand why but it’s stupid. I’m not going to do it again-”

            “It’s not stupid,” Ruby snapped. How could Castiel find that stipulation stupid? He had tried to off himself, of course he could not be left alone. “You shouldn’t be alone, you never know-”

            “Ruby I’m _fine_ ,” Castiel insisted darkly. “But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be alone, so I can come over to your house after school?”

            “Yeah sure. Sorry I’m not Dean.”

            “What?” Castiel had turned to walk away after her answer but at her response he turned back around. “What do you mean?”

            “I said I’m sorry I’m not Dean,” she said again. “I’m sure you’d rather have Dean as your after school buddy than me.”

            “What makes  you say that?”

            “Well, for one thing, I lack a penis so-”

            “Dean is not my boyfriend,” Castiel snapped, flinching away from her. “Dean is just my friend. Just because someone has a penis does not make me automatically attracted to them or want to have sex with them! I am sick and tired of people think that about me! I’m not attracted to every boy in the school Ruby!”

            Ruby blinked a few times and stared at Castiel in surprise; she had no idea where this anger was stemming from but she had never seen Castiel become so annoyed before. “Okay, okay, I’m _sorry_. I just thought the two of you were going on a date…?”

            “Doesn’t make him my boyfriend, and it doesn’t make us fuck buddies. Okay?” Castiel glared at her and then he was walking back towards his classroom, even though she knew he had lingered too long. The moment she was sitting in her seat, the bell was ringing, and she just hoped that Castiel would not be in trouble.

  


            Castiel hated being late to class because of how everyone had to turn and stare when someone walked in late; now that he had tried to commit suicide it was even worse because whether he was late or not, he received stares everywhere he went. Some people would try and move their heads in weird ways to try and sneak a peek up his long sleeves, which he tried in vain to keep down around his hands. He did not need people trying to make a spectacle of his scars. He muttered an apology when he walked in late but his teacher did not seem to mind, so Castiel tried to ignore everyone’s stares and return to a seat in the back of the room.

            Too late he had realized that giving the boys of the school oral sex so easily had backfired terribly on him; on one hand he had become _very_ good at oral sex but on the other hand everyone assumed he was just open for business whenever they felt like. That thought process was what had gotten him into trouble to being with, and he did not need a repeat experience. Blowing up on Ruby had not been a wise decision, since she had not deserved the anger, but that was what he wanted to say to his rapist. He wanted to walk up to him, punch him in the face, and tell him that _no_ fucking meant no. Just because he gave boys blowjobs did not make his body everyone else’s to own, take, and use when they pleased. But Castiel knew that he lacked the courage to look his rapist in the eye, let alone to confront him on what he had done.

            After school he would perhaps talk Ruby into walking to Benny’s diner with him so they could get something to eat and see if Dean was working. He wanted to see Dean and set up a date with him, since he owed Dean that opportunity having robbed Dean earlier. Castiel stared at his desk in silence, not able to pay attention to the lesson with his mind running a million miles an hour; he was angry with his rapist, he was angry with himself for trying to commit suicide, and he was angry with his life because as quickly as he tried to rebuild, everything continued to fall apart and crumble into ashes.

  


xxxx

  


            “Castiel, it’s good to see you walkin’ and talkin’,” Benny said as both Ruby and Castiel walked into the diner after school. “How ya feelin’ kid?”

            “I’m feeling better, much better,” Castiel said as he slowly walked up to the counter, trying to peer back towards the kitchen.

            “Lookin’ for someone?” Benny asked, even though he knew Castiel was most likely looking for Dean.

            “Is Dean here?”

            He could only shake his head a little and he tried to give Castiel a reassuring look when the boy’s young face fell in clear disappointment. “He’s not feelin’ too good today. He’s at home.”

            “Ruby said he’s been gone for a few days, is he okay?” Castiel glanced over at Ruby as she went to talk to some kids who had come in, which left him to pester Benny on his own.

            Benny felt the slightest of smiles tug at his lips over Castiel’s concern; it was nice to know that Dean had friends who would come looking for him if something were to happen. “No Cas, he isn’t doin’ too good.”

            “Why?” Castiel sat down on a stool and laid his hands flat on the counter. He looked so worried that Benny almost told him what had happened to Dean over Halloween but that was not anyone’s business but his and Dean’s.

            “He jut ain’t feelin’ good, he should be back in school next week.” Benny slid a glass in front of the boy and filled it with Cherry Coke since that was Castiel’s favorite. “Here. On the house.”

            “Next _week_?” Castiel lamented before popping the straw in his mouth to suck down the soda. “Why next week? He must be really sick.”

            “It’s a long story Cas, and that’s really his business to tell you, not mine. Alright?”

            “Did something happen-”

            “Cas,” Benny finally said sternly, raising his voice just enough to make the questions stop. “I appreciate your concern and I’m sure Dean will be glad to know that he’s missed, but you can see him next week. Okay? I’m glad you seem to be doin’ better, that’s good. You enjoy your soda and get on home to do your homework. Got it?”

            “Yes Benny.”

            Benny sighed inwardly as Castiel wandered over to Ruby who had finally picked up her usual spot next to the window so they could talk and socialize while Castiel finished his drink. He wanted to tell them both about what had happened, if nothing else than to warn them that Dean had had a terrible thing happen to him and he needed some extra support. But what had happened to Dean was his own private business that Benny knew did not need spread all over, especially in a town like Silverbay where one’s private business became everyone’s business. He had saved Dean a piece of pie in hopes that he could get Dean to eat when he returned from work; he didn’t even want to leave Dean alone for long but Benny had to oversee the diner or everything would fall into disarray.

            Dean had assured him that he would be fine on his own but after everything the boy had gone through, which was still not completely disclosed as of yet, was bad enough let alone having more bad things happen to him. Not to mention Benny still blamed himself for not protecting Dean better; he had made that boy a silent promise and that promise had been broken. He had been scrambling to pick up the pieces and glue Dean back together but perhaps having Dean talk to a professional would be beneficial.

            “Bye Benny!” Ruby called over to him and Benny raised a hand as the two left, chattering like they used to. He was glad that Castiel seemed to be feeling better, at least outwardly. He could really only hope that inwardly Castiel was doing just as well.

  


xxxx

  


            “Hey Kiddo.”

            Dean glanced up from watching TV when Benny came into the house, a styrofoam box in his hands that Dean could only guess had food for him inside. “Hi.”

            “You feelin’ a little better?” Benny asked before walking over and handing over the box that was still warm.

            “I guess, I dunno...still can’t remember what happened.” Dean shrugged and popped the lid open, and the blessed aroma of a bacon cheeseburger and fries filled the room. Considering he had hardly eaten anything all day, nothing could have smelled better.

            “Probably a good thing,” Benny replied before his heavy footsteps echoed across the wooden floor as he walked over to the fridge. “There’s pie for you too. I’m puttin’ it in here, got it?”

            “Okay...thanks…..those drugs-that-...that guy gave me...is it why I can’t remember?” Dean glanced over at Benny with uncertainty. He was worried that one day the walls would start to crumble and he _would_ begin to remember. Quite frankly, he didn’t want to remember; if he couldn’t remember he could pretend that it didn’t happen.

            “Yes. That’s what they’re designed to do Dean.” Benny gave him a sad face, and Dean quickly looked away because he was sick of the pity party. He did not want people feeling sorry for him anymore, and by people he meant Benny. “Castiel and Ruby came in today...Cas was lookin’ for ya.”

            “He was?” Dean stared at his dinner for a moment, taken aback that Castiel had been well enough to return to school when he was not. Cas had more crap on his plate than Dean did, and yet _he_ was back in school. Silently, Dean scolded himself for being so whiny and a sissy; worse things could happen to a person. For example, he could remember his rape like Castiel did and relive it all of the time. That would be worse than what happened to him, he was sure of it. “I wanna go to school tomorrow then.”

            “Dean-”

            “I _wanna_ go!” Dean snapped in anger. “If Cas can go then I can go too.”

            “Dean what happened to Castiel and what happened to you are two different things-” Benny tried to begin but Dean was quick to cut him off in defiance.

            “Yeah they are and Cas had it worse and he’s back in school. I can go back too, I don’t need to sit and mope all fucking week. I don’t remember what happened to me but Cas relives his crap _every day_ , I think I can go back tomorrow if he’s back in class-” Dean rolled his eyes at himself before his words sunk in completely; he had accidentally told Castiel’s secret to Benny.

            “What did you say?” Benny whispered.

            Dean bit his lip and wished that Benny had not heard him correctly, or that he could backtrack his words and fix his sentence but then Benny was walking over to him and sitting to stare. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Dean glanced up nervously from his slowly cooling dinner. “Nothing...it-nothing-”

“Dean.”

“Cas-....” Dean glanced down at the blanket on his lap. “Cas was raped...back at a party he went to in September...or that’s what...he told me..”

            “Castiel was raped?” Benny stared at Dean in disbelief. “By who?”

            “I dunno. He didn’t tell me- _please_ don’t tell anyone Benny-he-he hasn’t told anyone but me yet-and-and I already told Ruby when I shouldn’t have...and he doesn’t know I told her yet and I don’t want him to know that I told her-” Dean stared at Benny in fear but that fear was tinged with a child’s hope that his parent would not spill the beans on a secret that was not the child’s to share.

            “Dean…” Benny sighed and ran a hand over his face. Dean could tell that he placed a great burden on Benny’s shoulders, which hadn’t been fair of him to do but he couldn’t take it back now. “How long have you know about this?”

            “When he came over before Halloween...so like...I dunno...a week maybe? Ruby and I were gonna tell...but we figured we’d let Cas tell people, like...an adult...his therapist or someone-”

            “If he knows his attacker he should report him,” Benny said evenly.

            “I know, that’s what I said but he doesn’t wanna do it-I think he just...wants it to be over...but that doesn’t stop the guy from raping someone else, ya know? I mean what if he does rape someone else…” Dean picked at his fries, his stomach twisting in the fear that maybe somehow the guy that had raped Cas had been the guy at the party. He doubted it since he had been at a college party but that didn’t make it less plausible.

            “If he rapes someone else I hope that person has the courage to speak up,” Benny replied before slowly standing and stretching. “Does his grandmother know?”

            “I don’t know, maybe. Probably not...you can’t _tell_ people Benny,” Dean insisted desperately before finally picking up his burger to demolish. He needed the food but he still pleaded Benny with his eyes. Benny did give him a response, he just walked off to do whatever it was that Benny did while Dean watched TV and played video games. He hadn’t _meant_ to spill Castiel’s secret this time so maybe if Benny did say something, Castiel could understand and he wouldn’t be too angry. He didn’t need to give Castiel another reason to be distrustful.

  


xxxx

  


            Castiel could see Dean walking across the parking lot towards the front doors of the school and he decided to just meet him halfway; he would take care of business out here rather than inside. Dean’s face split into a small smile when he saw Castiel but he did not return the gesture. His anger radiated out of his body in what felt like waves; his hands shook so he clenched them into fists and by the time he reached Dean, he was so angry that he placed both hands on Dean’s chest and shoved. Dean’s face filled with the surprise as he fell back and hit the pavement fairly hard.

            “Cas what the hell?” Dean demanded as he began to try and stand upright.

            “You _told_!” Castiel yelled; despite his desire to stay calm and collected, his voice shook with hurt. “How _could_ you?!”

            “What are you talking about-”

            “You _know_ what I’m talking about!” Castiel pulled at his hair and he had to hold himself back from kicking Dean in the ribs. “You _told_.” His voice cracked and broke as he stared at Dean in utter betrayal. “I _asked_ you not to say anything and you _did_.”

            Realizing that Castiel was no longer going to shove him around, Dean shakily clambered back to his feet. “You-I-....wait what?”

            “Don’t play stupid!” he snarled. “You told Benny and Benny told my _grandmother_. Now she won’t leave me alone about it, _and_ she’s going to call my parents and tell them too! I _like_ living here with my grandmother but now my parents may demand that I come home! I don’t _want_ to go home! You know _why_ I don’t want to go home?!” Dean opened his mouth but Castiel continued, without letting him speak. “I don’t want to go home because my father is an asshole who beats me and my mother likes to remind me daily how my soul is going to be damned to _Hell_ because I’m gay. It’s just _loads_ of fun at the Novak household.”

            Dean visibly swallowed and stared at Castiel helplessly; he began to shuffle his feet in worry and shame. “I’m sorry Cas-I just-it slipped out! I asked him not to say anything-I _did_. I’m so sorry-I didn’t mean for...for that to happen…”

            “How does that even _happen_?! You don’t just tell people’s secrets like that. It doesn’t just _slip out_ Dean!” Castiel glared and he had to clench his hands again so they would stop shaking.

            Dean looked down at the ground. When he spoke again his voice was so small and boy like that Castiel remember that Dean was just a young teen like him; they were not adults, even if life had seemed to want to age them more quickly than they were ready. “I went to Ruby’s Halloween party and then while I was there..that girl um...Meg Masters? She invited me to join her and her boyfriend at this part on campus. So-so I went...and while I was there I met this guy….it’s hard for me to remember everything but I think his name was Michael and he was a creep Cas, such a creep-and...then I was drinking this beer...and everything pretty much blacks out after that...I guess Meg found me in a bedroom and she called Benny because I guess I must’ve tried to call him or something and when he arrived he said-”

            Castiel paused, his anger slowly fading at Dean’s story. There was real fear in Dean’s voice and he never glanced up from the ground. When Castiel looked at Dean he saw a small child, who was just afraid of everyone and everything as if the world was trying to cause him harm. Seeing Dean this way, this raw, made him regret his anger from earlier.

“He said what, Dean?” Castiel whispered.

            “Benny said he-...and the doctors think….well...I was-...I was raped at the party. The guy drugged me I guess...gave me some fuckin’ roofies,” Dean said bitterly as he crossed his arms around his middle. “So...when Benny and I were talkin’ about going back to school I said if you could go back to school I could too because I can’t remember what happened to me but you relive it like every day so…and that’s how it slipped out.”

            Castiel blinked several times but no matter how many times he replayed Dean’s words in his mind he could not make sense of them. How could this have happened to Dean? It had happened to him but he had been stupid and too trusting. Dean hadn’t asked to be drugged by a creep. “I’m so sorry Dean,” he whispered. “That...that….I’m sorry.”

            “Yeah,” Dean muttered before finally looking up at him. There were tears swimming in Dean’s green eyes. “Me too.”

            “You don’t have to apologize-I shouldn’t have pushed you-I’m _sorry_.” Castiel reached forward for Dean and was thankful when Dean accepted his hands and held them as they stood in the parking lot together. They were late surely by now but neither cared. “Are you okay?”

            “Yeah I went to the hospital and they did all those tests they gotta do and stuff...they were gonna...do this...rape kit thingy on me but…” Dean shook his head, tears threatening to fall from his lashes. They glimmered there and Castiel realized how beautiful Dean was with his long dark lashes and freckles that decorated his cheeks so nicely. “I didn’t wanna be poked and prodded anymore.”

            “So they didn’t do the rape kit on you?” Castiel whispered.

            “No...I didn’t want it and Benny didn’t make me..but when I was like..unconscious I think they kinda figured I don’t know-it doesn’t matter…” Dean squeezed Castiel’s hands gently. “Guess we’re both just a bunch of fucked up freaks, yeah?”

            Castiel half smiled at Dean, placing his finger beneath Dean’s chin to lift his face and slowly Dean raised his eyes again. The rims were slightly tinged pink from where the tears threatened to come spilling over like breaking floodgates. Castiel studied Dean’s face slowly; Dean had beautifully high placed cheekbones, his eyes were large, with long lashes, and the color was Castiel’s favorite. They were the green of sunkissed grass in the spring, as if Mother Nature had picked up a dollop of that color and painted it directly into Dean’s mold. His lips were that pink that made Castiel think of flushed noses and cheeks in winter, and they were so full and soft that he could envision the way they would feel against his own; like satin.

            Dean took in slow breaths as Castiel stared at him, trailing his eyes slowly over Dean’s freckles and nose. He listened to Dean’s breathing and slowly they came to stand so close together that Castiel could feel the fast thrum of Dean’s heartbeat. He realized sadly that he had never kissed a boy before. Well, once he had kissed Adam Milligan during a spin the bottle game at Ruby’s house but that had been when he had first moved here and as far as Castiel was concerned, the kiss didn’t count. He wanted Dean to be his first. When Dean slowly licked his lips, Castiel leaned into close what little distance was left between them and slowly pressed his lips against Dean’s; he had been right, Dean’s were like satin.

            Nothing really happened at first and Castiel began to wonder if he should stop but then Dean moved against his mouth clumsily and attempted to return the kiss. Clearly, they were both a bunch of virgin kissers. The thought made him laugh and he had to pull away so he could giggle and Dean stared back at him in confusion. “Sorry,” he managed as he continued to laugh.

            “What?” Dean asked, his hands going to Castiel’s elbows as he threatened to fall over from laughing so hard. “Aw c’mon Cas I’m not _that_ bad of a kisser am I?”

            “What? No-no it’s not that-I was just thinking that we both have _no_ idea how to kiss,” Castiel snorted when he giggled again, and in shock and embarrassment he quickly covered his mouth.

            “....yeah well I’ve never...ya know...kissed no one before… Don’t tell Ruby.”

            Castiel smiled and brushed a kiss along Dean’s cheek. “I won’t tell Ruby...and it’s okay, the only person I’ve kissed is Adam Milligan back when I first moved here. We were thirteen...I don’t count it as a real kiss.”

            Dean snorted and squeezed Castiel’s hands again. “So about that date…”

            “I would love to still go on a date with you Dean….are you sure you’re up for it?” Castiel stared up at Dean curiously; he did not want to force Dean into doing something he was just not ready to do.

            “Yeah, I wanna do it. We should this weekend. Do you want to this weekend? Or is that too short notice..” Dean did not release Castiel’s hand as they began to walk towards the school finally, despite their tardiness. “Cas wait-”

            “What?”

            “You wanna...play hookey?” Dean asked, pulling them behind some trees playfully. “We could play hookey if you want...why not, right? We’re already pretty late…”

            Castiel stared at Dean for a moment before smiling. He hadn’t played hookey since the seventh grade when he and Ruby had decided to skip class on a really beautiful day. They had gotten into quite a bit of trouble but it had been worth the grounding in the end. “Okay. Sure….Ruby’s gonna be so pissed when she realizes we did this without her.”

            Dean grinned and together they ducked off of the school’s property and headed off towards the abandoned park, which was really the only place they could go. Castiel held onto Dean’s hand as they walked down the road, kicking pebbles and stones along the way. Being with Dean was so much easier than being in the house with his grandmother, especially now that she knew about what had happened to him. He feared that he would wake up one day and his father would be in the foyer and ready to take him back to Maine. He did not want to go home.

            As he thought back on what Dean had told him, he realized in alarm that he had a feeling he knew who had taken Dean to that party intimately. “Dean?” he asked quietly.

            “Yeah?”

            “Who did you say took you to the party?”

            “Um Meg Masters and her boyfriend...Ala...something..”

            “Alastair,” he breathed.

            “Yeah that’s it. Guy was weir-are you okay?” Dean stopped them on the side of the road to turn and stare at Castiel curiously “Cas?”

            Castiel stared off at the trees on the side of the road and the colors seemed so beautiful with the sun filtering through. He focused on that rather than the knowledge that Alastair had taken Dean to the party where Dean had been _raped_ by someone. That just could not be a coincidence or maybe it was a coincidence and he was being overly paranoid. “You shouldn’t have gone with them Dean, they’re not...Alastair isn’t a good guy.”

            “Yeah he gave me the creeps,” Dean admitted, still staring at Castiel in worry.

            Castiel nodded and then continued walking, releasing Dean’s hand so he could shove them back in his pockets. He did not need Dean to know that they were shaking. “Yeah, he should have.”

            “Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean demanded as they fell back into step. “And don’t say nothing because that’s a bunch of bullshit.”

            Castiel glanced over at Dean, his eyes lost and broken. “Alastair is my rapist, Dean.”

            “ _Alastair_ raped you? That-that _asshole_ raped you?”

            “Yes...he-” Castiel sighed and shook his head. “Nevermind. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

            “Cas,” Dean whispered. “You should _report_ him.”

            “No...no it’ll just drag out and make it worse...he’s graduating in May and then I won’t see him ever again.”

            “He raped you Cas, he should be in jail-”

            “It’s not like the laws are all that great Dean. He’ll get what? A few years and then be out on parole? Free to rape again...and it’s bad enough that I relive it in my nightmares, I don’t need to relive it on the court stand too.” Castiel shook his head, staring angrily at the cracks in the pavement as they walked. “I just hope he wasn’t the one who got you too-”

            Dean shook his head. “Pretty sure it was that creeper Michael.”

            Castiel sighed and finally allowed Dean to hold his hand again. “I want to tell Meg because I don’t want it to happen to her but I don’t think she’d believe me.”

            “Yeah probably not,” Dean agreed.

            “But I want to tell her anyway….maybe I should just tell her...I mean since you know, and Benny knows, and my grandma knows...it’s only a matter of time, you know?”

            Dean blushed and looked away in shame. “Ruby does too...I...I told her.”

            “You told Ruby _too_?” Castiel sighed and he wanted to just throw his hands in the air because clearly his business could not remain _his_ business, but it had remained a secret for almost three months so Castiel was fairly impressed by that fact.

            “I’m sorry Cas-”

            “Forget it, she’d find out eventually.” Castiel sighed again as they made their way into the park. He went to sit on the swings since those had always been his favorite as a child. He pushed himself slowly until Dean came up behind him and gave him an experimental push to get him going. He threw a smile back over his shoulder at Dean as he went forward.

            Dean smiled back at him and pushed Castiel higher. “So that was a pretty okay first kiss but I think we should practice some more.”

            Castiel snorted and laughed, swinging higher as Dean continued to push him gently. “Yeah?”

            “Yes,” Dean insisted before reaching to slow Castiel down until he was stopped. Dean leaned forward over Castiel’s shoulder into his space.

            “What?” he whispered.

            “Practice,” Dean replied before kissing Castiel slowly. The kiss was not as clumsy this time, as Dean seemed to have more confidence and Castiel was not bursting into fits of giggles. Castiel kissed Dean back and he was thankful that Dean was not trying to force his tongue into his mouth; they kept the kiss sweet and easy. He liked Dean’s kisses.

            “See?” Dean said with a smile when they broke apart. “That one was already a huge improvement. We should just keep on doing it until we perfect kissing each other.”

            “Is that right?”

            “Damn straight it’s right.” Dean gave Castiel a little push to make him start swinging again.   “What do you say after this we go crawl in that tunnel over there and try kissing some more?”

            Castiel snorted and laughed. “Like lovestruck teens?”

            Dean rolled his eyes and pushed Castiel higher. “Cas we _are_ lovestruck teens.”

           “Right,” Castiel laughed. As he climbed higher into the sky Castiel imagined that he and Dean could fly away forever. They could forget about the bad things that had happened, and they could live their lives away from the strife and agony of the daily reminders. They could become infinite in the sky and write a love story in the stars. That was what Castiel thought of the afternoon they spent trading kisses in a yellow tunnel until they both could hardly see straight. It was a good afternoon.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

            “So how many ‘What are you thankful for this year’ questions did you guys get in class today?” Dean asked Ruby and Castiel as they walked back from school towards the diner. There was snow on the ground already; it crunched beneath their feet as they walked in a line, taking up the entire walkway.

            “ _Thankfully_ ,” Ruby began sarcastically with a smile. “Only once. My English teacher asked me deadpan because I didn’t _say_ what I was thankful for this year, so I deadpanned right back and told her that I was thankful that I wasn’t at home with my pervy uncle who likes girls my age. Just like every year...she wasn’t too happy with me. I got a detention. Whatever, bitch can’t take a dose of _real_ life, then she can stop asking me stupid questions in class when I don’t wanna talk.”

            “Well that’s one way to answer that question,” Dean said. “What about you Cas?”

            “Are you asking me what I’m thankful for or if I was asked what I am thankful for?”

            “Either I guess,” Dean replied with a shrug. He tentatively reached over to take Castiel’s hand, realizing that they had not been holding hands like usual. Castiel blushed and smiled at him and gave his hand a squeeze, so Dean smiled back at him.

            “Well, I’m thankful that I’m alive and that I’m feeling better and that I’m with my friends and family for Thanksgiving this year. Are you sure Benny wants me over? My Grandma said it was okay since she can’t really cook the meal anymore, and she’s going to the nursing home for a meal anyway-”

            “ _Cas_. He said it was fine, you’re more than welcome over for Thanksgiving,” Dean assured Castiel again for the fifth or sixth time today. “He wants you over.”

            “Okay…” Castiel nodded and gave Dean another smile. “Do British people celebrate Thanksgiving, Ruby?”

            Ruby kicked a piece of snow into the air before replying. “You mean is Ezra making me dinner? Yeah he is, but I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted, so we’re having an Englishy Thanksgiving meal. Unless Ezra burns the meal again, which he did last year, so we’ll see-”

            “You guys could come over too you know, Benny likes Ezra,” Dean cut her off excitedly. The idea of having all of his friends over for Thanksgiving had never before been an inkling of a thought, but _now_ he had friends and a father figure who would make him dinner. He had never had Thanksgiving before so Benny was pulling out all of the stops to make his first special. “Benny’s making like _everything_. There’s going to be turkey, pie, stuffing, cranberries, ice cream, cookies, ham, mashed potatoes, vegetables, yams. It’s going to be _awesome_. There’s going to be so much food, so you guys should come too.”

            “I’ll ask Ezra when I get home...which I guess I should just go...he’s kinda pissed at me because I got a D on my last paper, so I’m going to just go home and do my homework so I don’t get into _more_ trouble. I’ll see you guys later.” Ruby held up her hand before pulling her hat down over her ears and heading off to cross the street to another sidewalk.

            Dean waved back at her with his free hand before hurrying Castiel along towards the diner so they could be where it was warm. Benny normally didn’t close the diner on Thanksgiving but since he had Dean this year, he was closing so they could have their own meal. Benny was just as excited as he was.  

            “Do you want to stay over tonight?” Castiel asked as they stepped past some people who held the diner’s door open for them. “As long as we’re not too loud, my grandma shouldn’t mind. She sleeps really deeply.”

            “Oh um, I’ll ask Benny, but yeah sure.” Dean smiled and left Castiel to go and find Benny in the back. “Hey.”

            “What are you doin’ here? Figured you’d be at Castiel’s,” Benny said with a surprised smile.

            “Oh we just stopped by because it’s freaking cold as hell outside. Can we get some hot chocolate to go?” Dean bounced on the balls of his feet, feeling nervous that he was about to ask about staying over at his boyfriend’s house. Not that he and Castiel really _did_ anything; they kissed a lot and cuddled even more than they kissed when they were together, but with both of their trust issues, they had kept their hands way above the waistline.

            “Yeah sure. You don’t gotta ask for that, go help yourself,” Benny gestured as he continued to cook on the stovetop.

            “Still can’t find a new cook, huh?” Dean asked when he realized Benny was cooking himself which was not unusual but Jo kept hounding him about trying to do it all himself.

            “Not yet. Hopeful though.” Benny glanced over at him again when Dean didn’t leave. “You need somethin’? I’ll be late pickin’ you up, I’m goin’ to be workin’ late tonight.”

            “I was actually wondering if I could stay over at Cas’? He said his grandmother wouldn’t mind.” Dean stretched the truth slightly, but Benny _had_ told him eons ago to be a kid and do what kids did; as far as Dean knew, teenagers lied and stretched truths constantly. This was the whitest of white lies, surely it wouldn’t get him into trouble.

            “Oh, well I s’pose you could stay the night. Eve of your Thanksgivin’ break and all.” Benny nodded and shooed him gently. “Go on, get your hot chocolate and head on over. Don’ need you hoggin’ up the whole kitchen.”

            “Right. Thanks Benny.” Dean grinned happily before turning to grab Castiel and himself some hot chocolate, and add some marshmallows and a peppermint stick to each, placing the lids carefully over the tops. Castiel was sitting in his usual spot by the window when Dean returned. “He said I could stay over so we can go whenever you’re ready.”

            Castiel nodded and accepted his hot chocolate as he stood to follow Dean back out into the cold. “Maybe Grandma will let us order pizza or something. I’ve been really good and I haven’t relapsed at all.”

            Dean nodded as he took a slow sip, which was a serious mistake because even the slightest drink burned. “Ow fuck-sorry-that’s good Cas.”

            “And my scars are healing a bit...I don’t think they’ll ever go away but it’s good I think. A battle won.” Castiel nodded to himself and blew carefully on the steaming hot chocolate.

            “I’m glad you’re doing better. The therapy is helping?”

            “Yes, it’s good to have someone to talk to, you know?”

            “Yeah it is...” Dean agreed quietly as he thought on Nomad who was strangely his therapist; the horse couldn’t talk back or give up his opinions, but that was what Dean liked about him. Nomad would stand and listen to him and even when they were outside together, the horse always stayed near him. He had loved the snow; Dean smiled at the memory of the horse eagerly romping through the powder.

            “Dean?”

            “Yeah-oh shit were you talking to me?” Dean’s cheeks turned pink and not just from the cold either. “Sorry.”

            They were coming upon Castiel’s house and Castiel slipped ahead to go and get the door unlocked, Dean on his heels. “It’s okay, you left me there for a second.”

            “Yeah sorry. I was just thinking on Nomad… he really likes the snow.”

            “A lot of animals do.” Castiel wiped his boots off on the rug before tugging them off to dry by the door, which Dean copied, and then he was walking back to the living room to greet his grandmother. Dean took his time on catching up, giving them a moment of privacy before coming around the corner.

            “Hello Mrs. Novak,” he greeted with a wave. He had come to like Mrs. Novak; she was nice and she seemed to like him.

            “Ah hello dear,” the old woman greeted him warmly from her favorite chair. “Castiel, darling, I have _news_. Your brother, Gabriel, is coming over for Thanksgiving. I couldn’t say no to the dear, I haven’t seen him in so long…” She trailed off, and Dean began to wonder if Castiel did not get along with his brother.

            “Oh….Gabe? That’s...oh-that’s good..but what about-I mean I was going to Dean’s, remember?” Castiel gave him an uncertain glance, since sometimes his grandmother had a hard time remembering small details.         

            “Yes, yes I remember. I told him of course, he insisted he come up. I will try and talk him into joining me at the nursing home but he may want to tag along with you, I’m sorry dear.”

            “It’s okay Grandma,” Castiel replied quickly. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you too?”

            “No, no you get enough of me as it is. You have fun with Dean and Benny. He makes a better meal than that old people place does anyway.” Mrs. Novak waved him off then, until Castiel bent to kiss her cheek and then they were walking towards the stairs to head up to Castiel’s room. Dean had always liked Castiel’s room; it was a powder blue with nautical imagery all over; anchors, boats, and the ocean decorated his room beautifully. He had the largest window in the whole house, which gave him an excellent view of the backyard, which had a lovely red tree which was refusing to give up its leaves, even with the development of snow.

            “So you never told me why the ocean stuff?” Dean asked before going over to sit cross legged on Castiel’s bed.

            “I come from Maine, the ocean is usually my backyard. I like the ocean a lot.” Castiel shrugged out of his coat and then sat down to remove his socks.

            “Oh right-that’s cool. I mean it’s pretty, I was just always curious I guess.” Dean glanced around as he unbuttoned his coat and slid it off of his arms. However, when Castiel stood and began to unbuckle his pants, his eyes drew back to him immediately. “Ugh Cas, what are you doing?”

            “Putting on sweatpants?” Castiel asked, his hand reaching for the pair on the floor. “What, you never seen a guy in his underwear before?”

            “Just...wondering…” Dean tried his hardest to not stare but his eyes kept wandering back to Castiel as the jeans slid down his thighs; it wasn’t until Castiel straightened up again that Dean realized the underwear Castiel had on was not exactly a pair of boxers. “Um…”

            “Hm?” Castiel asked. He glanced up at Dean as he pulled the pants up to his hips, tying the string to keep them from slipping.

            “Were you-...” Dean trailed off, his mind trying to catch up to what his eyes had just seen; he was pretty that Castiel had been wearing _panties_ but without a second look, he couldn’t be sure.

            “Was I what?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow at Dean.

            Dean stammered some more and watched as Castiel tossed his jeans into his tall hamper and then stripped his shirt off. Seeing Castiel shirtless just made Dean stammer more because Ruby had been right; he really did look like he had been carved out of marble. He was thin like a fifteen year old boy _would_ be and when Castiel arched, he could see his ribcage, but there were definitely outlines of lean muscles that Castiel had gained from dancing for most of his life. And his hip bones looked like Dean could easily cut himself on if he came too close. “Jesus Christ,” he whispered.

            “What was that?”

            “Nothing man...nothing…” Dean shook his head and pressed the heel of his hand against his forming erection as he shifted to try and cover up the evidence of his arousal.

            “You want pizza? I”ll go ask if we can order one,” Castiel said as if he hadn't just taken almost everything off in front of Dean just now.

            “.....Um...yeah sure…” Dean nodded dumbly and when Castiel left, he was thankful for the aloneness. He could give his penis a pep talk about _not_ jumping up when no one had asked for its opinion. He glared down at his erection. “Come on stop that.” He was about to honestly start giving himself a pep talk when Castiel returned.

            “She said yes, I’ll order it later; it’s still pretty early. Is that okay?” Castiel joined him on the bed, sitting cross legged beside Dean.

            “Um yep-that’s fine…” He licked his lips subconsciously as he began to study Castiel’s face, and the way his lips were full and pink. His mind wandered to what Castiel would like without clothes on. Ridiculously gorgeous were the words he would use to describe that vision.

            “Dean you’re staring at me,” Castiel muttered quietly.

            “Sorry-sorry-...you’re just…..so hot, Cas.” Dean had the grace to blush and he glanced down at the bedspread beneath them. “I’m sorry.”

            “For thinking I’m hot? You don’t have to be sorry about that,” Castiel replied as he leaned over to press his lips against the side of Dean’s neck. “You’re hot too.”

            “I am not-” Dean began to protest but Castiel kept kissing along his neck and his mind ended up going completely blank. A whimper formed in the back of his throat when Castiel’s lips trailed back up to his own, so the sound was quickly swallowed by the needy kissing. Dean slid his hands to Castiel’s face, manipulating himself until he was able to face Castiel on his knees. With a few more kisses, he drew a groan out of Castiel that made his erection return, and with some more fumbling and feeling blindly, Dean had Castiel on his back on the bed, where Dean rested carefully on top of him.

            “Dean-” Castiel whispered, his eyes dark with arousal.

            Dean smiled and pressed his tongue into Castiel’s mouth, while his hands eagerly skimmed along Castiel’s sides and ribcage. Each breath Castiel drew in, Dean felt his hands expand along with him. The sensation was strangely arousing. They drew away from each other to catch their breaths but Dean kept staring Castiel in the eye. His body was tingly and he wanted to shed his jeans as quickly as possible.

            “Were you wearing panties?” Dean spat out, which he realized too late may have killed the mood.

            “What?”

            “Panties...were you wearing...panties?” Dean slid his hands down to Castiel’s hips and then to the drawstring of sweatpants, slowly tugging the knot loose.

            “Dean wait-” Castiel grasped on Dean’s wrist to stop him from loosening the pants further.

            “I don’t _care_ ,” Dean said quickly, thinking that was the issue. “I bet they look nice on you.”

            “Dean please-don’t-” Castiel began to sit up, drawing his knees up to his chest to stop Dean’s ministrations.

            Dean stared at Castiel and saw fear in his eyes and he wanted to kick himself. Of course Castiel didn’t want to go further than kissing, why _would_ he want to go further after what had happened to him? “I’m sorry Cas, I wasn’t thinking-”

            “It’s okay,” Castiel whispered, his arms tightening around his knees subconsciously. “Aren’t you bothered too or is that just me?”

            Dean slowly sat back on his haunches, resting his hands along his thighs so Castiel could see where they were. “I don’t know, I think my hormones were taking care of that for me I guess...I mean I don’t remember what happened at all...it’s just blank. For me it’s like it didn’t even happen….and I guess I just pretend that it didn’t.” He shrugged helplessly. “You mind if I um….use your bathroom.”

            “Oh….yeah um...it’s the first door on the left by the stairs.”

            “Thanks…” Dean blushed and climbed off of the bed to walk awkwardly to the bathroom. Once inside he flipped the fan on, since he did not need Castiel or God forbid, Castiel’s grandmother hearing him. Taking a shaky breath, Dean slid out of his jeans and then grabbed a nearby towel to set on the floor. Kicking his jeans out of the way, Dean eased himself onto the towel, lying still with knees up and open. Despite the stereotype of boys constantly wanting to touch themselves, Dean had not been one of those guys; he had always found some shame in masturbation. When he masturbated he had to think about what he liked, and what he liked were men, and that had never been an allowed fantasy in his house.

            But now he had been allowed to date Castiel, hold his hand, and even kiss him….he surely could fantasize about Castiel’s hands and mouth all over his body too. He could imagine Castiel’s hands moving slowly down his sides to his hips, where he would take his time with teasing Dean until there were goosebumps all over his skin. Dean gasped as he copied the imagined movements, slowly tracing his fingers along his ribs to his pubic bone, teasing himself mercilessly. His erection ached and throbbed in his boxers, so with a lift of his hips, Dean slid the boxers down along his ankles, before kicking them away completely. Once he was naked on top of the towel, his thighs fell open, and Dean allowed his hand to trail down to caress his balls; the feeling was so good that he whimpered.

            Castiel’s mouth was the main focus of his fantasy, and how good it tasted, especially after Castiel had been eating something sweet. Like candy or fruit. Castiel had such a pretty face, and beautiful hands. He was just a really pretty guy. Wrapping his hand around the base of his own cock, Dean groaned, his hips arching upward in his desire. He knew he wouldn’t last long - he never did - but as he thought on pressing kisses to Castiel’s mouth and face, his hand slid faster along his length, until he drew up precome from his slit with his thumb. His thighs clenched and he tried to hold back his orgasm but one more pass of his hand, he was done. Dean whimpered as he came all over his hand, his breathing quickening at the pleasure that ran through him. The aftershocks made him lie still on the bathroom floor, his arm pressed over his eyes as he recovered.

            It wasn’t until there was a knock on the door that Dean realized he was still lying in Castiel’s bathroom in just a t-shirt which he had at some point pulled up to his chest. His stomach and hand were covered in drying semen which made him wrinkle his nose and his body tingle and shudder. “Um hold on-” He sat up and grabbed some toilet paper to clean up his mess.

            “Are you okay?” came Castiel’s timid question.

            “Yeah-yeah hold on Cas-” Cursing himself for taking too long, Dean grabbed his boxers and yanked them back on, before fumbling with his jeans. Why had he masturbated in Castiel’s _bathroom_? That had been a terrible life choice, he realized in hindsight. Surely, Castiel knew what he had been doing, and now he probably thought Dean was just a giant perv. He buried the tissues inside other tissues before dumping them in the wastebin. The towel he placed where he had gotten it from and then after washing his hands, Dean finally opened the door, staring at Castiel with a flushed face.

            “Sorry...you were just...gone for a while…” Castiel trailed off, his eyes moving over Dean’s body slowly.

            “Um yeah-sorry-” Dean blushed harder and rubbed the back of his neck self consciously. “Um….did you need the bathroom?”

            “No, I just got worried…” Castiel’s eyes squinted, which was typical for him when he was confused or suspicious of something.

            “I’m fine,” Dean replied quickly. He was fine _now_ , at least his fantasies had been satiated for the moment.

            “Were you...masturabting?” Castiel asked slowly.

            He stared back at Castiel with a vast amount of shame and embarrassment. The bathroom definitely _smelled_ like he had just been jerking it so he couldn’t even deny it now. “You...got me worked up, I’m sorry…”

            “I did?” Castiel blinked in surprise, as if he couldn’t believe that he could turn Dean on.

            “Um yeah...remember earlier…?” Dean flipped the light switch and fan off in the bathroom, finally crossing the threshold and began to walk back to Castiel’s bedroom. He tried not to feel frustrated but sometimes Castiel could be extremely slow to pick up on social cues.

            “I remember earlier, I did not realize you were so-”

            “Turned on? Well I was. It’s whatever, okay? I took care of it.” Dean dismissed Castiel shortly as they returned to his bedroom. He went to sit in the large saucer chair against Castiel’s far wall, rather than the bed. He wanted to put a distance between the bed and the fantasies in his head.

            “You’re angry,” Castiel stated, his voice taking on an edge of annoyance.

            “I’m not _angry_ Cas,” he replied unconvincingly.

            “Yes you are. You’re angry that I wouldn’t let you touch me-”

            “No! That is so _not_ why I’m annoyed, Cas. I get why you don’t want to go move on, I get it. I respect it. I’m just annoyed that you act like you had no idea what I was doing, when you clearly knew what I was doing. Thanks for making me feel like a dirty perv.” Dean folded his arms over his chest and pouted. He knew he was being a brat but he couldn’t help himself. How could Castiel _not_ have known what he was doing?

            “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad,” Castiel replied quietly. “I’m sorry. Do you want to...to do something else? Or are you too angry?”

            Dean looked up at Castiel and mentally kicked himself at the sad puppy eyes Castiel had plastered on. “I’m not mad Cas, I’m sorry too, I’m being a jerk. I know. We can do whatever you wanna do.”

            “Okay.” Castiel smiled and offered his hand. “Let’s go watch a movie in the basement.”

            Dean nodded. “Sure.”

            Dean hoped that he could teach Castiel how to trust again.

xxxx

  


            “Caaassssssssssss, hey little bro, how’s it shakin’?”

            Castiel stared at his older brother Gabriel as he came into the house, still stunned that his brother was _here_ in Silverbay and not in Rockland. “Gabriel,” he managed finally, but his voice did not go above a whisper.

            Gabriel’s friendly face filled with a smile and his whiskey colored eyes brightened as he took Castiel in. “You look good bro, you got taller.”

            Castiel nodded and then self consciously pulled on his sleeves; he was not sure if his grandmother had told his parents about his attempted suicide. She probably had, but he was not sure if his parents had in turn told Gabriel or his other siblings. “You too,” he said with a thick swallow. Suddenly, Castiel felt emotional with Gabriel standing in his grandmother’s foyer with him. The last time he had seen Gabriel had been when he was thirteen years old, and his parents had been berating him over his sexual orientation.

            Gabriel opened his arms but there was uncertainness in his eyes. “Can I hug you or is that too much for you?”

            “You can...hug me…” Castiel nodded and then Gabriel wrapped him up in his arms, and Castiel let out a sigh of relief. He had been dying for a hug from his brother the moment he had heard his flight had landed a few hours prior.

            “It’s real good to see you Cas,” Gabriel muttered quietly against his ear, also sounding emotional, and then Gabriel squeezed him tightly. “I missed you.”

            Castiel tried to hold back an onslaught of tears but one more squeeze from Gabriel and he couldn’t stop them; he threw his arms tightly around Gabriel and buried his face in his brother’s chest. Gabriel had never thought him disgusting or weird like Zachariah had, and he had missed Gabriel more than any other member of his family. “I missed you too,” he whispered back.

            Gabriel didn’t let go, he continued to hold Castiel in his arms, squeezing him for as long as he could manage. “I wish you hadn’t left, I mean I know why but I just wish it hadn’t come to that, you know?”

            “Yeah I know, I wish I could go home too.” He sniffed pathetically, wiping his nose on his sleeve so as not to snot all over Gabriel’s clothes. “I wish things had been different.”

            “Yeah I know, same.” Gabriel gave him one last squeeze before finally letting him go, and they stepped back to give each other some breathing room. Castiel saw Gabriel wipe some tears away but he kept that bit of knowledge to himself. “So, where’s Grandma anyway?”

            “Living room.” Castiel gestured down the hall to where the sounds of the television could be heard faintly. “She said she’s gonna try to make you join her at the nursing home for dinner.”

            “Why she’s gotta go there, I don’t understand. We coulda made dinner ourselves,” Gabriel replied with a roll of his eyes. “But I heard _you_ were going to your boyfriend’s house. Is that true?”

            He blushed. “Yeah...Dean is his name.”

            Gabriel grinned in clear amusement. “Well I can’t wait to meet him. When are you going?”

            “Well if you go with me, I won’t need a ride and you can just drive us there if you want.” Castiel knew that it was impossible to change Gabriel’s mind once it was dead set on something.

            “Is that my other grandson I hear?” came their grandmother’s voice as they walked into the living room together.

            “ _Hey_ Grandma,” Gabriel greeted before walking over to kiss her on the cheek. “Good to see you’re still kickin’.”

            “Yeah I’m still here,” she said with a small smile. “Look at you, all grown up...still livin’ at home though. S’what your mama told me.”

            “Hey, I’m a broke graduate, what you do want?” Gabriel shrugged and went to sit on the couch. “You ain’t complaining about Cas living here.”

            Castiel cast his older brother a glare who just winked at him in amusement. “I’m a minor, stupid.”

            “Yeah, yeah _tiny_ details bro, tiny details.”

            “Are you going with Castiel on Thanksgiving, Gabriel?” Mrs. Novak asked.

            “If you don’t mind me going, unless you want my company instead.”

            “I would _like_ your company but I also know how much you wanted to see Castiel.”

            Gabriel blushed deep red as their grandmother admitted that secret out loud. “Yeah, yeah, just announce how mushy I am to the world Gramma.”

            “ _Behave_ Gabriel Novak,” Mrs. Novak said sternly with a point of her finger. “You behave for Mr. Lafitte or I will bend you over my knee. You ain’t too old for a whippin’.”

            Gabriel saluted her. “Yes ma’am!”

            “Grandma, can I show Gabe around?” Castiel asked, itching to get out of the house so he could talk to Gabriel about home and what had been happening since he had left.

            “Yes, yes, go on. Have some fun. There’s some cash in the jar, you two take it and buy yourselves a treat.”

            “You sure?” he asked with uncertainty but when she waved her hand in dismissal, Castiel decided not to ask again. He turned and rushed to the kitchen before Gabriel could beat him there and pocketed the money. If he gave it to Gabriel it would be spent on porn and candy. Actually, now that he thought on the matter, Dean and Gabriel would probably get on quite well.

            “Ready bro?” Gabriel asked as Castiel pulled his sneakers on.

            “Yeah,” he replied. When they passed the coat rack, he grabbed his winter coat, pulling it on as they left.

            “You got your keys right?”

            Castiel nodded, jingling his pocket to prove his point and then they were walking down the steps to the sidewalk. They walked in silence for a while before Castiel gathered up the courage to ask about their parents. “So...how are Mom and Dad?”

            “Dad’s still an asshole and Mom’s still batshit crazy. So same ol’, same old. Zachariah is doing some big company move with Dad, so they’re always together conspiring and shit. I swear they could run the world if given half the chance, fucking terrifying. Mom’s losing her mind, I swear to Christ. She keeps telling me that I’m going to go to Hell because I’m not going to college. Like, are you serious? I can’t wait to get out of there. It’s a fucking prison. You were lucky to get out Cas, you really were.” Gabriel kicked some snow and ice down the sidewalk, burying his hands into his jacket.

            “What about Raphael?” Castiel asked quietly, remembering his oldest brother and the way his eyes had always pierced right through him. He and Raphael had never gotten along.

            “He’s doing something with Dad’s company too. I’m not really sure what, to be honest with you. I don’t ask because I don’t want to get sucked into it too. Pretty sure it’s secretly a cult.”

            Castiel glanced over at Gabriel, studying his older brother, and he noted how he had grown his golden hair out, and now it framed his face in an attractive way; he had not grown any taller however, and they stood at eye level now with Castiel almost surpassing him. When he hit a growth spurt maybe he would stand taller than Gabe soon. “I’m glad you’re here.”

            “Yeah me too, you _know_ how everything is a freaking circus affair at the house, so I’m glad to be here and not there. Mom was glad to get me out too, it wouldn’t surprise me if she bribed Grandma into taking me too.” Gabriel rolled his eyes and looked over at Castiel. “We black sheep _do_ gotta stick together.”

            Castiel offered Gabriel a soft smile because despite Gabriel’s attempt to joke, they both knew how awful being a Novak could be. “Yeah, we do.”

            “So, got a boyfriend huh? What’s his name again?”

            “Dean.”

            “ _Dean_...hm, real American, yeah? I bet he likes classic rock and wears denim jackets and bleeds red, white, and blue. Am I right?”

            Castiel blushed and smiled, glancing down at the sidewalk so as not to slip on the patches of ice. “Yeah, but he’s a good guy. I really like him.”

            “Good….but not to crush your soul or anything Cas but um...I mean...you know it won’t last forever, yeah? Like you _realize_ you’re only fifteen and you’re gonna change your mind about what you like at least _twenty_ times before you even graduate high school?” Gabriel turned and began to walk backwards, which Castiel wanted to point out was probably not a bright idea, but this was Gabriel and Gabriel would do what he wanted. Dangerous or not.

            “You don’t know that,” he snapped defensively. “What if Dean is-”

            “The one?” Gabriel used air quotes and pulled a face. “Blech. Don’t even start that shit little bro, _trust_ me, he ain’t ‘the one’. He’s just a guy you’re crushing on, your first real kiss and all that jazz. You’ll break up at the end of the year, hell you may even break up by the end of the week. You’re not supposed to find your soulmate in high school. That’s just asking for trouble. And not at fifteen.”

            Castiel glared at Gabriel even though he knew his older brother’s words had a weight of truth to them. “Yeah well, he’s my boyfriend _now_ so can we just focus on the now, please?”

            “Hey, just giving you some perspective, that’s all.” Gabriel held up both hands in his self defense. “So, what’s he like? Besides _dreamy_ ,” Gabriel said in a falsetto.

            “He’s smart, and nice, and _yeah_ he’s dreamy. So what?” Castiel watched as Gabriel almost tripped over a pile of snow and he had to cover his mouth so he didn’t laugh. “That’s what you get for trying to walk backwards.”

            “Yeah thanks for the warning, _bro_ ,” Gabriel glared as he tried to regain his footing and then failed, falling onto his backside. “Damn it.”

            “That’s why _normal_ people walk frontways,” Castiel said smartly.

            “Normal my ass, you haven’t been normal since the womb.” Gabriel slowly began to stand up.

            “Look who’s talki-” Castiel cut off when Gabriel threw a handful of snow into his face, making him shriek in protest. “Jerk!” Gabriel's laughter rang around them in the silence of the neighborhood. “I hate you.”

            There was snort from Gabriel’s vicinity as Castiel was still trying to wipe snow from his eyes.  “No you don’t. You _love_ me, and all that mushy brother shit.”

            “You are a terrible big brother, you know that?” He saw Gabriel smile, so he knew that his words had not been taken seriously, which they were not to meant to be. Gabriel was probably the best big brother he could have asked for. “You wanna go to Benny’s?”

            “Who’s Benny?”

            “It’s a diner. It’s really good...and maybe Dean will be there and you can just meet him now,” Castiel replied as they started to walk again. His fingers ached with the cold and he realized he had left his gloves back at the house. This was the exact moment that having Dean around to hold his hand would have been wonderfully appropriate.

            “ _Ohhh_ , meeting the boyfriend, huh? Sounds good to me.” Gabriel smiled and kicked some more snow along the way. “You _know_ I won’t hold back yeah? I’m gonna tell him _all_ of the embarrassing kid stories-”

            “Gabriel!”

            Gabriel laughed the whole way to the diner.

  


xxxx

  


            “Dean!”

            “Hold on-ow-” Dean glared at the cord that had trapped his foot and made him trip. He could hear Benny calling for him again but Dean continued to struggle, until finally he set himself free and finished rushing down the stairs. “What?”

            Benny gestured at Castiel who was standing by the counter with a shorter guy on his right. “You got a visitor.”

            “Oh-hey Cas.” Electrical cord attempting his life forgotten, Dean put on a smile and walked over to stand behind the counter, leaning into it.

            “Hello Dean,” Castiel replied with the same happy smile. “Um...I have someone I want you to meet.”

            “Sure.”

            Castiel gestured at the short guy. “This is Gabriel, my older brother.”

            “ _Oh_. Hey-um...I’m Dean…” Dean stood up straight and offered his hand; he had never had a chance to date anyone long enough in the past to meet a relative, but he knew from watching movies that meeting relatives was an important step in a relationship. Or, at least he assumed this was important to Castiel, even if it didn’t actually _mean_ anything to anyone.

            Gabriel gave him a shit eating grin and then took his hand to shake. “Cassie here says you’re his boyfriend.”

            Dean nodded nervously. “Ugh yeah...I am…” He had no idea why the sudden desire to be approved by Gabriel seemed so important, but he really wanted Castiel’s older brother to like him. Even if in all probability he would never see Gabriel ever again after Thanksgiving.

            “You treat him good?” Gabriel asked with an eyebrow raise that made Dean feel three inches tall.

            “Gabe stop,” Castiel hissed, poking his brother in the ribs.

            “Hey, I gotta make sure he’s treating my little brother like a lady-” Gabriel started but Castiel angrily stomped on his foot to shut him up.

            Honestly, the statement only made Dean blush harder. “I treat Cas good-....like a-” he went to say _like a lady_ , and stopped himself. Castiel was not a lady, he was a guy...a really classy, nice guy, but still a _guy_.

            “Like a lady?” Gabriel insisted even as Castiel gave him the nastiest of bitch faces. Dean nodded and then Gabriel looked him up and down. “Okay, I believe you. He could do worse, I’m sure.”

            “Um...thanks?” Dean glanced at Castiel in uncertainty but he was still busy glaring at Gabriel to see Dean’s look of desperate confusion.

            “So, what kinda grub can a guy get in here?” Gabriel sank down on a stool before Castiel could protest.

            “There’s lots of stuff,” Dean said lamely. He ducked behind the counter to grab a menu and handed one over to Gabriel. “Here.”

            “Mmm thanks man.” Gabriel smiled again, this time with more friendliness. “Come on Cassie, I’m starving. Don’t stare at me like that-”

            “You _know_ I hate that nickname Gabriel,” Castiel growled. “It’s _Cas_.”

            Gabriel snorted and laughed. “Nah, it’s _Cassie_ and it’ll always _be_ Cassie. At least in the Novak house.”

            “We’re not _at_ home,” Castiel continued darkly.

            Gabriel winked at Dean and set the menu down to look over at his little brother. “What’s the matter Cassie, am I embarrassing you in front of your hot boyfriend?”

            “Gabe _stop_ ,” Castiel whined desperately. “I am going to leave you here-”

            “Good. More reason for me to tell Dean about your childhood-”

            “ _Gabriel_!”

            Dean tried not to smile or laugh since Castiel was in clear distress, but seeing them interact made him think on Sam. He would have done the same exact thing to Sam if he were introducing him to a girlfriend or even just a friend. Teasing little brothers was a true privilege of being an older brother, especially after the snot faced brat got on your nerves. So in the end, he couldn’t help but crack a smile, which only made Castiel glare at him next.

            “Sorry Cas,” he said, even though he didn’t really mean it. “I just...I know what it’s like to have a younger brother.”

            “Yeah?” Gabriel said then, interested. “How much younger?”

            “Four years.”

            Gabriel laughed and clapped Castiel on the back. “Same. Snot faced kids man, I _always_ had Cassie up my butt as a kid. Pain in the neck.” Gabriel cast Castiel a wink, and Dean could tell that Gabriel was simply teasing. He wasn’t sure if Castiel knew that from the look on his face.     

            “Yeah, my little brother Sam...he always got on my nerves but in a good way...you know?” Dean dropped his eyes from watching Gabriel and Castiel to the counter; he hadn’t really thought on Sam in months. Not with everything that had been happening in his life, but seeing Gabriel and Castiel be brothers together made his heart ache. He missed Sam, and he would have given almost anything to have Sam with him now.

            “Dean?”

            Castiel’s voice drew him back from Kansas and plopped him down into Montana. “Shit, sorry-did you say something?” Dean glanced up to meet Castiel’s concerned gaze.

            “Are you okay?”

            “Yeah-yeah I’m fine...um...are you still coming for Thanksgiving?”

            “Yes. Can we get directions, I’m not sure I could give them back accurately enough. Gabriel’s going to borrow Grandma’s car to drive us so I don’t have to take a cab or get a ride out.,” Castiel replied as he grabbed a nearby napkin to be written on. “You can just write them here, or Benny can. Whoever.”

            “Yeah sure, I’ll have Benny do it.” Dean took the napkin and went to go find Benny so he could have him write the directions to the house down. “Hey-sorry I know you’re busy.” Dean ducked out of the way as Benny passed some new plates up to Jo.

            “Make it quick Dean,” Benny said short handedly as he continued to fill orders.

            “Could you write down directions to the house for Cas?”

            “Can it wait, I’m swamped back here.” Benny wiped some sweat from his brow on the back of his sleeve and continued to slave over the stove as he was wont to do these days. They really needed a new cook.

            “I guess, I don’t know when he needs it, I assume before tomorrow…” Dean bit his lip and tried to stay out from under foot. His father had always hated how he could become underfoot constantly; it was something he had always had a fear of.

            “I promise, I’ll write it out and if not, I’ll give his house a call, sound okay?” Benny glanced over at him.

            “Yes...that’s fine...sorry…” Dean ducked out of the kitchen before he could cause Benny to become more distracted, and returned to where Gabriel and Castiel were bickering. “He’ll write it down soon and if not, he said he’d call.”

            “Oh okay. No problem.” Castiel smiled and laid his hands on the counter palms up. Dean stared at his hands and then realized that Castiel was inviting him to hold hands in front of Gabriel. He had no idea why that was making him feel embarrassed and paranoid.

            “So um...what do you do, Gabriel?” Dean asked, pretending to have not seen Castiel’s gesture, which he figured was probably rude and did not earn him any boyfriend points, but he was not comfortable with being affectionate in front of Castiel’s older brother who could probably take him in a fight. Even with the height difference.

            “Me?” Gabriel snorted and shrugged. “According to my Mother I’m a freeloader, and according to my Father I don’t try hard enough. I graduated high school, not going to college, don’t think it’s worth the money, even if we got it. I’m gonna see what I can find, but if I could just do anything I wanted, I’d travel. I’d love to just see the world, you know?”

            Dean nodded as he walked around the counter to take up residency on the stool on Gabriel’s other side. “That’d be really neat...I gotta graduate high school first though, Benny’s rules.”

            “Hey that diploma is pretty damn important man,” Gabriel said, completely serious. “You can’t even get a damn burger job these days without one, so make sure you get it.”

            “I am...I actually really like school,” Dean admitted with a scarlet blush pinking his cheeks. “I never thought I would, you know? I always hated it before I came here but...I kinda like it now.”

            “That’s good,” Gabriel praised. “Okay, I know what I want.”

            “Okay,” Dean said, looking over his shoulder to grab Jo for a moment.

            “I would _love_ -” Gabriel cut off and glanced Jo up and down for a moment and smiled slowly. “I would love a cheeseburger with extra fries and possibly your number, Sweetheart.”

            Jo rolled her eyes and scribbled Gabriel’s number down on her pad. “Yeah, in your dreams.”

            Dean and Castiel snickered as Jo walked away to put the order in and leave Gabriel to gawk after her. “Not used you to striking out I take it?” Dean asked, trying to hold back a laugh.

            Gabriel gave him a nasty glare. “Shut up, shortie.”

            “ _I’m_ the short one? Are you serious, I’m pretty sure I’m two or three inches taller than you,” Dean scoffed.

            Gabriel turned his eyes back on Castiel. “I don’t like him.”

            “Shut up Gabe,” Castiel replied with a nudge to his ribs.

            “I’m so serious, I don’t like him. Trade him in at the Boyfriends R’Us for a newer model Cas,” Gabriel deadpanned as Castiel smiled and laughed, burying his face in his hands.

            Dean watched as Gabriel made Castiel laugh and smile, which was more than he had seen Castiel do in what felt like forever. Once again, his mind wandered back to Sam and Dean felt sadness wash over him like ocean waves seeking to drown. He could still picture Sammy’s face, but he wasn’t sure how accurate the image was anymore; it had only been a few months but in a few months Sam could have lost weight or cut his hair or had a number of things happen to him under John Winchester’s care. The more he watched Castiel and Gabriel, the more he wished he could turn back the clock and have Sam with him.

  


xxxx

  


            Gabriel whistled when they arrived at Benny’s home on Thanksgiving for dinner. Castiel had insisted that they arrive early so they could help out if necessary. “Damn, this is pretty nice, I like it...I mean it would _never_ be Novak approved but that is so part of the appeal.”

            Castiel rolled his eyes and followed Gabriel up to the front door. He had yet to tell his brother about his attempted suicide, and he wasn’t sure if Gabriel knew or not. He could easily know and just not be wanting to bring it up, or he could not know at all and Castiel was starting to feel like a jerk for not talking about it. He would tell Gabriel soon.

            “Cas!” Dean exclaimed the moment the door opened and he was greeted with a friendly smile and a quick kiss to his cheek rather than his lips. “Hey Gabriel.”

            “Sup man,” Gabriel replied with a grin. “I see you tryin’ to neck my brother.”

            “We weren’t _necking_ Gabriel,” Castiel said with a roll of his eyes as they both stepped inside of the house where the smell was wonderful and strong. “Smells amazing.”

            “I _know_ right? But I’d um...stay out of the kitchen for now...Ruby and Ezra showed up and um..Ezra and Benny are doing that flirting thing where they argue over how to do things right. So it’s kinda wild in there right now.” Dean winked at them both before leading them to the living room where Ruby was playing xBox, and by playing Castiel could hear her cursing up a storm.

            “Hello Ruby,” he greeted as they went to join her on the couch.

            “Hey,” she said distractedly before she realized it was Castiel. “Wai-Cas!” She smiled and tossed the controller aside, jumping up to hug him. “Who’s this?”

            “This is my older brother, Gabriel,” Castiel replied, turning to introduce them. “Gabriel, this is Ruby, my best friend.”

            “Little bro’s got friends, that’s impressive,” Gabriel teased.

            Castiel rolled his eyes again. “Pardon him, sometimes he forgets how to connect his brain to his mouth.”

            Ruby smiled. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you.”

            Castiel slid into the space next to Dean on the couch, reaching over to take his hand. Dean cast him a shy smile and gave his hand a squeeze. Thanksgiving had always been such a huge affair at the Novak household; everything had to be perfect, not a single thread from a sweater could be out of place. The idea of having something so casual that they could sit in the living room and play video games while a Cajun and British man argued about how Thanksgiving were to be presented in the kitchen was almost a fantasy. He couldn’t help but smile and for once, he was able to forget the tragedies that seemed to be following them around like a plague.

  


xxxx

  


            “So you had a good first dinner?” Benny asked Dean after the food had been put away and their guests had almost all cleared out for the evening. He had tried to make Dean’s first Thanksgiving memorable, and considering there had been enough food to feed an army, he was sure he had succeeded.

            “I did yeah,” Dean agreed, absentmindedly glancing over his shoulder.

            Benny smiled because he knew that face; Castiel was still in the living room and he was sure the boy didn’t want to continue talking to him when he could be talking to Castiel. “Go on,” he said gently.

            “You sure?”

            “Yeah, yeah go one.”

            Dean smiled. “Thanks Benny.”

            Benny nodded as Dean hurried to go to the living room. Gabriel had left since Dean had practically begged him to let Castiel stay the night, which he had finally given into after the fifth time of Dean asking. He was happy that Dean was seeming to settle in with his friends, he was even starting to live a normal life; he had friends, he did his homework, he sat and played video games, he had a boyfriend who he seemed to genuinely care about. Sure, it was a high school romance that Benny did fear would end sooner rather than later but for now, Dean was happy. That was what really mattered. Benny smiled to himself before going to sit on the porch and enjoy the evening sunset.

  


xxxx

           

Castiel steeled his nerves and took a few quick strides to catch up to Meg and tap her on the shoulder. Her long hair almost whipped him in the face and she gave him an annoyed look, as if him touching her was enough to make her whole day sour. “I need to talk to you,” he said quietly. “Um, can we talk at lunch?”

            “I guess?” Meg took a few steps away from him and continued down the hallway. “But make it quick.”

            “Okay…” Castiel trailed off and watched her head off to class. He had decided that today would be the day that he would tell Meg about Alastair and what had happened to him. She needed to know since she was dating him and had been since the party; he didn’t want to what happened to him to happen to her. No one deserved to be raped. Even if she had been awful to him for quite some time now. Swallowing thickly, Castiel began to walk towards his class, even though he knew his mind would be everywhere but the lecture.

            He tried not to think on the night of the party because reliving that situation was not something he wanted to do in school. But the more he sat in silence, thinking about telling Meg what had happened to him, the more he began to remember that night. The way Alastair had found him at the party, how he had asked him if he would be willing to give him a blowjob since he gave them out like candy according to the bathroom walls. He remembered saying no, he remembered walking away to be left alone. But he also remembered how Alastair had bothered him, harassed him, and when he had ready to leave the party completely, Alastair had cornered him. Not only was Alastair older and taller than him, he had clearly been stronger too. He had had no real chance really.

            Undesired tears filled his eyes and he could only stare at his notebook page pathetically. Alastair had ruined his life in one moment, but the more he sat in his quiet bubble, he began to wonder if perhaps Alastair didn’t _ruin_ his life, but had given him some sort of resurrection. He had always been so easy before, giving away his body because he had never viewed himself better than the simple and carnal act of sex. He had chosen to rebel against his homophobic family by giving his body away, gaining sexual talents. Now, he kept himself guarded, and he abstained from the sex that he had given away so freely. Maybe his terrible tragedy had some weird silverlining. And he and Dean had gotten closer. Castiel smiled slightly, trying to feel better about what had happened but his demons and shadows chased him around in continuous circles.

            When the bell rang, Castiel jumped to his feet to make his way to the cafeteria; it was time he told Meg about what had happened. He was just hoping she would believe him. He scanned the cafeteria and saw that Meg was already sitting at a table, unfortunately that table was also where Alastair was sitting. He should have realized. Steeling his nerves, Castiel made his way over to the table where Meg was smiling with her friends. “Meg?” he asked quietly.

            “What? Oh...right, you wanted to talk.” Meg rolled her eyes and pressed a kiss to Alastair’s lips. “I’ll be back. Clarence here wants to have a chat.”

            Alastair turned cold eyes on him. “Clarence, huh?”

            “Yeah,” Meg said as she stood. “Be back soon, I assume, right Clarence?”

            Castiel nodded quickly and turned his eyes away from Alastair’s before leading Meg over to an empty table. He could see Ruby and Dean trying to gain his attention but he turned his eyes on Meg’s instead. “I have to tell you something really important, okay?”

            “Okay? Hurry it up Clarence.” Meg popped her gum and rolled her dark hair around her fingers, clearly annoyed with him.

            “You know...the party-”

            “Where you narked? Of course.”

            “...Yeah that...um…” Castiel took a shuddering breath, his stomach twisting; he hadn’t even had anything to eat today, and he already felt as if he were going to throw up.

            “Seriously, hurry up or I’m walking.”

            “I was raped,” he spat out quickly.

            Meg’s face went from complete indifference to slowly forming shock, her eyes widening, and her skin paling. “You-... _what_?” she gasped.

            “...I-” He cut off because Meg had him by the arm and was hauling him up from the table and out of the cafeteria to stand in the hallway where they could be alone. “Meg-”

            “You were _raped_?” she whispered. “By _who_?”

            Castiel dropped his eyes and shuffled around nervously until Meg insisted she tell him again. “Alastair,” he whispered.

            “...are you serious?” Meg said, her voice going from shock and pity, to disbelief and annoyance. “ _Alastair_? You’re telling me that my _boyfriend_ raped _you_? You are so ridiculous Castiel, just trying to get me to be your friend, aren’t you? God, you’re like... _jealous_ of me and Alastair. Fucking freak.”

            “Meg-” Castiel began, trying to stop her from walking away but she was already heading back into the cafeteria. When Meg was gone, Castiel felt the panic hit him; she was going to _tell_ Alastair what he had said… and then Alastair was going to find out that he had finally told someone about the party. Alastair would take out his anger on him. The walls were shrinking in on him and he could hardly get any air into his lungs. Castiel sank to the floor, his knees shaking, and his world spinning.

  
He really was going to throw up.

 


	8. Chapter 8

           “You don’t _believe_ that punk do you Meg?!”

            Castiel slid around the corner and froze, immediately rooted to the spot. Alastair had Meg pushed up against a locker, his hand over her mouth.

            “Shut up,” Alastair continued. “Okay? Just _shut up_.”

            His heart began to pound a little faster as he stared at the spectacle in front of him. He had told Meg last week about what Alastair had done to him, and she hadn’t believed him. However, it clearly had stuck with her. He was about turn and choose a new way to get to where he had been walking, when Meg glanced over at him and that made Alastair turn to glare at him.

            “ _You_ ,” Alastair growled. “You think it’s okay to fucking ruin people’s lives, you fucking twat?” Alastair released Meg and stormed over to him, grabbing the front of his sweater. “Spreading bullshit rumors about me, you piece of shit.”

            “Alastair _stop_ ,” Meg said, sounding tired and exasperated. “Leave him alone.”

            Castiel glanced over at her and he saw that she was crying. The real question was whether she was crying over him or what Alastair had done to her. “It’s okay Meg,” he whispered.

            “It’s not okay! Leave him alone Alastair!” Meg stormed over and grabbed her boyfriend by the elbow. “Let him go.”

            Alastair shoved Castiel backward a few steps, his face a mask of rage. “I’m going get your ass for this Novak.”

            Castiel took a few more steps backward, until he felt his back bump into another locker. By some sort of grace he was not sure he possessed, Alastair stormed off down the hallway leaving him alone with Meg. He turned frightened eyes on Meg and she gave him the same exact expression.

            “I’m sorry Cas,” she whispered. “I should have...I’m sorry-”

            “It’s okay,” he said again. “I have to go…” he gave Meg an apologetic glance and began to walk down the hallway. He had to pick up his work from the art room before winter break started. He was ready to go home but he had way too much work to pick up. Going around the corner, his heart jumped hard in his chest as Alastair had him by the shirt front and was shoving him up against the wall, his hand clamped tightly over his mouth.

            “You listen to me, Novak,” Alastair growled. “You keep spreading this crap, I’ll hurt you way worse than I did earlier, you got it? I’ll turn you inside out. Got it?”

            Castiel nodded, his bladder ready to completely release but then Alastair released him and continued on his way as if nothing had happened. His heart was trying climb out of his chest and throat. Alastair would definitely follow through with his threats, there was not doubting that fact. A few more breaths in and out and he was able to continue towards the art room. He needed to get home. If he could go home then he would be safe again; he could wrap up in a cocoon of blankets and forget about the physical world for a few hours while the panic dissipated.

            “Cas?”

            Dean’s voice startled him back into reality and he spun around to see Dean in the doorway, his backpack slung over his shoulder. “Dean-”

            “Are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost,” Dean said in concern.

            “I’m fine,” he lied quickly as he gathered up his artwork from the first semester. “I’m fine.”

            “You’re not fine, Cas-”

            “Dean I said I’m _fine_ ,” he snapped, his voice rising in timbre.

            “Sorry…” Dean trailed off, raising both of his hands in defense. “You ready to go home?”

            “Yes. I am.” He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry and annoyed with Dean, as there was no real reason for him to be angry or annoyed with Dean, let alone both. Dean had only been trying to be a concerned boyfriend, because that was what a decent human being _did_ when someone they cared for was in clear distress. Knowing all of this, did not stop him from angrily walking out of the art room and heading towards the front of the school, with Dean on his heels.

            “Cas?” Dean asked again. “Cas-”

            “I don’t want to talk Dean, I just want to go home,” Castiel insisted desperately as they made their way outside to start walking. “Just, go away Dean. Go home.”

            “Cas-”

            Castiel shouldered past Dean as he attempted to come around to his front, and continued to storm off away from the school towards his house. He did not want to talk about Alastair confronting him, and he also did not want to listen to Dean trying to talk his ear off about his day. Not today, he had no patience for people today. By the time he came to the house, tears had frozen to his cheeks, and the wind was stinging the raw flesh. Gabriel was still at the house, he had not gone back to Maine, and he was just hoping that Gabriel was out and would not want to confront him the moment he walked into through the door. If he could come into the house quietly and sneak up stairs, Gabriel would not bother him-

            “Castiel.”

            Too late.

            “What do you want Gabriel?” he asked tiredly as he slid out of his shoes, his heart finally slowing down to a normal rate.

            Gabriel came up to him and pushed him up against the front door, his eyes red. “Why didn’t you _tell_ me Cas?” he whispered frantically. “Why didn’t you fucking _say something_?”

            “About what?”

            “About _what_? About what?!” Gabriel’s voice cracked and he practically squeaked out the words. “You were in the hospital because of attempted _suicide_? Why didn’t you tell me?”

            Castiel sighed heavily. “Because of this,” he replied, his voice still tired. “Because you are completely overreacting-”  

            “I am _not_ overreacting! You are my little brother, my family, and you tried to off yourself and you didn’t even fucking tell me Cas!” Gabriel pulled away so he was no longer holding Castiel up against the door. He could see tears in Gabriel’s eyes. “I had to find out from Grandma for Christ’s sake! Mom and Dad knew but sure as hell didn’t tell me!”

            “Mom and Dad are probably disappointed that I didn’t succeed,” he mumbled bitterly as he set his bag down and began to remove his scarf and winter coat.

             Gabriel gasped as if he could not believe what he was hearing. “Okay I know you have problems getting along with Mom and Dad but _that_? That is so not true. They _care_ about you, if you live or die Cas! You’re their son!”

            “Oh really?” Castiel snarled in return. “Could have fooled me! I’m going to bed, just leave me alone. Please.” He needed to get away from people or he was going to shut down and not want to move ever again. Before Gabriel could protest, Castiel hurried up the stairs to his room, where he locked himself inside, even though he was not supposed to be locking himself inside anywhere. The blankets on his bed were a welcoming hug as he wrapped his body up inside them, screaming into his pillows. He had been wrong. Alastair had not given him a new resurrection and new life, Alastair had only made him more afraid and more unwilling to connect to anyone.

 

He should have succeeded.

 

xxxx

 

            “My dad was a huge homophobic asshole,” Dean said, his voice just as cold and bitter as the snow and ice surrounding them in the park. “He didn’t want a gay son...he said he’d rather have a dead son than a gay son...and then he slammed me up against a wall.”

            Castiel continued to swing and kick his legs while Dean told his story. “Your dad sounds like a jerk.”

            “Yeah he is,” he growled. Dean picked up a rock and tossed it at a tree, watching as the ice broke and bounced off in different directions. “He gave me a scar on the side of my head as a constant reminder that he hates his queer son.”

            “How did he find out?” Castiel asked quietly. “About you being gay?”

            Dean laughed bitterly. “Caught me jerkin’ it to a Sports Illustrated...not the swimsuit edition either.”

            “ _Oh_.” Castiel’s eyes widened and Dean looked back over his shoulder to see some snow catch along Castiel’s dark eyelashes. He half smiled at the way Castiel’s face looked so startlingly beautiful against the gray world.

            “Yeah, sucks. He beat me up, threatened to kill me. Told me I had to be straight. It was a huge mess. I remember Sammy was hiding under the table and crying because he was so afraid...after all of that I decided to just leave, you know?” Dean walked over to Castiel where he sat on the swings, grabbing onto the chains to lean down and kiss Castiel lightly on the lips. “But I’m here now. Way better than where I was.”

            “My dad is a dick too….both of my parents are religious freaks. I left to live here because my grandmother cares about me, you know? She doesn’t care about my sexual orientation, she told me that ‘everyone is a little gay, Castiel’. So, I’m here and not in Maine.”

            “Do you ever regret coming here?” Dean asked quietly, and they both knew he was referring to the party and the rape.

            There was silence for a while before Castiel answered. The only sound was the rustling of the wind along the playground equipment and the dead branches of the trees. Dean almost went to apologize before Castiel finally answered him quietly.

            “Sometimes,” Castiel admitted. “But I would have been even more miserable back in Maine, and at least here I have friends.”

            “I’m glad you’re here,” Dean said as he pressed another kiss, this one to Castiel’s forehead.

            “Alastair threatened me,” Castiel whispered, changing the topic so quickly that Dean started.

            “He _what_?” Dean snapped. “When?!”

            “Remember when you found me in the art room that one day? Before we started break? Right before then. I caught him bothering Meg in the hall and then he went to confront me and Meg told him to leave me alone. When I went down the hallway, he was there, he shoved me up against the locker and told me that if I tried to spread rumors about him that he would hurt me again.” Castiel stared up at him and Dean could see the fear in his eyes, trapping Castiel inside himself.

            “Jesus Christ,” Dean whispered with a shake of his head. “You need to report him Cas-”

            “They can’t prove it now! All they have is _my_ word for it,” Castiel cried, his voice wavering. “Just my word against his. And no one will believe me.”

            Dean slid his hand to cup Castiel’s face gently. “You don’t know that, Cas.”

            “I don’t want to report him, I don’t want to deal with that whole mess. I just don’t want to-” Castiel shook his head and moved his eyes away from Dean’s. “I’m afraid.”

            “You can’t be afraid forever Cas,” Dean whispered. “You have to learn how to trust again. Like me, like Nomad. You gotta learn how to trust again.”

            “I _can’t_ ,” Castiel whined. “I can’t-”

            Dean pulled Castiel up from the swing and kissed him deeply, his arms sliding around Castiel’s thin waist. “You _can_ ,” he insisted. “You can trust, you can. You trust me don’t you?”

            “Yes.”

            “Good.” He smiled and gave Castiel another kiss. “You’re going to be okay. Things are going to be okay. You’re still going to therapy yeah?”

            “Yes,” Castiel whispered. “Will you stay the night tonight?”

            “Yeah.”

            Castiel nodded and pressed his face against Dean’s neck. “Okay.”

 

xxxx

 

             Dean trailed a kiss from Castiel’s mouth to his neck, gently nipping a smooth trail along his neck. He smiled when Castiel keened in the back of his throat, his body arching eagerly upward. “You wanna...go further this time?” he whispered, his breathing uneven.

            Castiel blinked up at a Dean a few times, his mouth hanging open as he stared. “Yeah,” he whispered with a nod.

            Dean could only blink in surprise. “Really?”

            “Yes,” Castiel whispered again.

            Dean gulped and felt his erection throb insistently, reminding him that yes, he was most definitely turned on. “Okay,” he said lamely. Not having expected Castiel to say yes, Dean began to falter with what he needed to be doing next. For a moment he blanked and they stared at each other awkwardly until he felt Castiel shift beneath him and rub against him.

            “Dean,” Castiel said quietly.

            “Sorry-okay-um-” He leaned in to kiss Castiel again to shut himself up while he tugged Castiel’s shirt off. “God you’re so hot Cas.”

            Castiel blushed scarlet, the flush traveling down from his face to his navel. “Am not,” he muttered.

            “Yeah you are,” Dean insisted as he began to kiss down along Castiel’s chest. He had never actually done anything sexual with another person before. Trailing more kisses down Castiel’s body he got to those hip bones that he had been dying to put his mouth on for months. He heard Castiel whimper as he continued to suck and kiss along that sharp and warm flesh, which only made his erection throb once again as a reminder.

            “Dean-”

            Dean paused, his fingers looped in Castiel’s jeans, ready to start removing them; he wanted to see if Castiel had worn panties again. “Did you change your mind?” he asked.

            “No-”

            “Okay.” Dean quickly unbuttoned and unzipped Castiel’s jeans, tugging them down his legs until he was able to remove them completely. He trailed his eyes back up Castiel’s calves and thighs until they rested on the cute panties Castiel was wearing; a soft pink with powder blue stripes and lace trimming the edges. Dean practically groaned as he leaned down to start kissing Castiel’s inner thighs. It took him a moment to realize that Castiel’s thighs were _smooth_.

               “Do you shave?” he asked as he continued to kiss and nibble.

                “...yeah,” Castiel muttered. “I do.”

               Dean smiled and nuzzled the inner thigh some more; he smelled like something sweet. Strawberries maybe. “It smells good,” he said with another kiss. Steeling himself for a possible rebuke, Dean slid his hand from Castiel’s thigh to the panties, skimming his fingers along the lace edges. He smiled when Castiel’s body jerked and his legs slid open more.

              Dean pressed another kiss to Castiel’s thigh before starting to tug his panties down off of Castiel’s hips. The head of Castiel’s cock was shiny with precome so Dean leaned up to lick it up. Castiel whimpered and rolled his hips in eagerness. “Easy there Tiger,” Dean said with a grin.

             “Dean come on-” Castiel whimpered insistently.

             “Okay, okay,” Dean replied with a smile, running his tongue back to the sensitive head, lapping at the slit. Steeling himself, Dean slid his mouth down onto Castiel’s whole length, taking him as far as he could without choking. He could hear Castiel whimpering, and Dean eagerly sucked at his cock with each little sound; he was not good at this as this was his first, as he was drooling and making a mess, but Castiel still whimpered and wriggled around. He had to be doing _something_ right.

             “Little-harder-” Castiel panted.

             Dean went to nod and realized he couldn’t so he just sucked harder as Castiel commanded. He rubbed the smooth flesh of Castiel’s thighs until he felt the goosebumps rise under his palms. Muscles began to tighten and Castiel’s body stiffened and then Dean jerked away as Castiel started to come, spilling into his mouth, which made him receive a faceful and not a mouthful.

            “Sorry-” Castiel said, even as he whimpered and shuddered all over.

            “S’okay,” Dean muttered shyly, blinking a few times to keep the semen out of his eyes.

            “Um-” Castiel looked around his room but Dean stood to go and wipe his face on a towel that was near Castiel’s hamper on the floor. “Sorry.”

            “That was the point, don’t apologize. Was it okay?” Dean asked before walking back over to Castiel.

            “Yes,” Castiel said quickly, raising his arms for Dean to lay on top of him. “I’m ready-”

            “Are you sure?” Dean asked again. Pushing Castiel into having sex was not the goal. Neither was making him relieve his rape.

            “You’re right Dean. I have to trust again. I want to do this.”

            Dean took a deep breath, feeling nervous and shaky as Castiel wriggled underneath him. “Do you have a condom?” he whispered after a moment of awkward silence. He blushed so red at the realization that he had none, and he was actually pretty sure he had _never_ owned a condom but that was something he was sure was needed.

            “No,” Castiel whispered back. “I don’t.”

            “...should we wait?” Dean asked then, his face still burning.

            “I don’t want to wait,” Castiel insisted, his hands sliding up under Dean’s shirt to rub against his chest. “I want it now before I change my mind.”

            “Okay,” he said, still feeling unsure of what he needed to do.

            “I don’t have lube either…” Castiel admitted quietly.

            Dean bit his lip and realized the universe was working against them. “Maybe we shouldn’t. I don’t want to hurt you…”

            “Dean-”

            “Cas I won’t do this without the things we need, okay? We can wait. Besides, maybe the more we wait, the more sure you’ll be.” Dean sat up away from Castiel, staring at the beautifulness that was Castiel’s naked body. “Okay?”

            Castiel looked defeated but he nodded, trying to sit up and reach for his clothing. “I’m sorry-”

            “For what? No reason to be sorry Cas,” he reassured Castiel. “Okay?” He knew he kept saying _okay_ as if that made everything better but there was nothing left to say. He watched as Castiel got redressed and then they both realized that there was nothing left to do but sleep. Not that either of them were here to sleep.

 

xxxx

 

            Christmas morning with his father and brother had never been special. Never once had he and Sam woken up to gifts under the tree, and both of them knew that Santa wasn’t real. Christmas morning had always been a violent and angry morning, with Sam trying to wake their father up, to try and have family time together. That had never gone well. So, he figured this Christmas morning would be wonderful, perfect, with white snow, and gifts under the tree. So, waking up a familiar yelling coming from downstairs made his heart almost stop.

            The voice travelling up the stairs was that of one John Winchester, but that was impossible. Dean sat up and looked around to make sure that he was still in Benny’s house; _his_ house, his home, and not back in some shitty motel room or trailer park. This was not a dream. His father’s voice was haunting him and for a moment he was rooted to his bed, and Dean could not make himself move until his bedroom door was opening. Benny stood there, staring at him, looking pale and unhappy.

            “Dean,” Benny said quietly.

            “No,” Dean whispered. “No, he’s not here. He can’t be here. How did he find me? That’s impossible-”

            Benny took a deep breath and walked over to him and sat down on the bed, which creaked under his weight. “Your picture was in the paper,” Benny said quietly. “The picture of you at school.”

            Dean tried to think back on what Benny was referring to and then like a nightmare, he remembered that he _had_ gotten his picture taken for the paper. He had been photographed for some random article in the paper about snow days. That didn’t explain how his father had _found_ him. “How did he find me _here_?” he stammered brokenly. Going home was not an option he wanted to explore. “I don’t want to go-”

            Benny’s eyes were shimmering with tears. “I’m sorry Dean but I can’t keep ya now that he knows you’re here.”

            “No! Benny _no_ -” Dean insisted desperately but then his father was standing in the doorway, looking furious. “Dad-”

            “ _Where_ the hell have you been?! I’ve been looking for you-” John roared, walking over but Benny stood up to block him from coming too close. “You’re coming home.”           

            “I _am_ home,” he yelled back, tears breaking his voice. “I am home. This is my home now. Just _go away_.”

            “No Dean,” John snarled, pointing a finger at him. “You are my son and you are coming home. Right now. Get your stuff. Sammy’s out in the car.”

            _Sam_.

            Sam was out in the car. Dean felt his heart pang and he jumped up to his feet to go look out the window. The Impala was sitting in Benny’s driveway and there was Sam in the back seat, his legs pulled up around his knees. He looked miserable. Turning around, Dean turned helpless eyes on Benny because he wanted to stay here, live his life, finish school, have his friends, and boyfriend. But then, Sam was out in that car and Sam _needed_ him. He had only been gone for five months but Sam already looked bedraggled from what he could tell.

            “You’re lucky I’m not pressing charges,” John continued darkly at Benny as Dean stood torn between remaining and going with his dad.

            “Dad, Benny took _care_ of me,” Dean insisted.

            “ _I_ take care of you!” John snapped. “Get your stuff Dean, _now_. I’ll be in the car.”

            Dean watched as his father turned and stormed back down the stairs. He flinched, tears streaming down his face as the sadness took over. “I don’t wanna go,” he whimpered.

            Benny tried to smile but the gesture failed him. “You’re gonna be okay Dean.”

            “What if I’m not?” he asked shakily.

            Benny walked over and wrapped strong arms around Dean. “You listen to me, Dean. You have to go now, but you promise me that when you get older, you come back to see me. Ya hear? I ain’t goin’ nowhere. I’ll be here.”

            “What about Cas? And Ruby?” he squeaked. He had a feeling that his father would _not_ let him go and say goodbye to Ruby or Castiel. “What about school? My friends-”

            Benny wiped his tears away. “Shhh. You’re gonna be okay, Dean. Okay?”

            Dean was reminded of what he had told Castiel; that thing would be okay and that Castiel could trust again soon. He did not like being on the receiving end of something that seemed completely impossible. Benny telling him that he was going to be okay was like telling him that he could climb Mount Everest in shorts and flipflops without any mountain gear. Impossible and most assuredly fatal. Going home to John Winchester could easily prove fatal, especially since he was still definitely gay.

            “ _Promise_ me,” Benny said firmly, giving Dean a gentle shake.

            “I promise,” he whispered.

            Benny nodded and then they were packing up his belongings so Dean could go outside to the car. His father was waiting, looking unhappy and cold, as usual. Sam wouldn’t look at him either as he put his belongings in the trunk. The Impala had always been home to him, more than any hotel room, or dilapidated trailer in a shady trailer park. Once again, the Impala would have to be his home again. Dean threw his arms around Benny tightly before he had no choice but to leave.

            “Tell Nomad I said bye,” he said pathetically, his voice shaking as more tears slid down his face.

            “I will Dean.”

            Dean saw Benny trying to keep his composure but even his stoic mask was failing him. Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Dean slowly climbed into the backseat next to Sam. He saw the angry glare his dad cast him and he had to bite back more tears as John began to drive away. He spun around in his seat to stare at Benny as his form grew smaller and smaller on the driveway. When he could no longer see Benny, Dean slowly sat back the right way on the seat, glancing over at Sam again. Despite losing everything, Dean had to smile slightly at seeing Sam again.

            “Hey Sammy,” he whispered.

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

           The swing’s rusted chains creaked as he lightly pushed himself against the ground; the air was so cold with a winter chill  that Castiel could see his breath filter the air in white puffs. Dean had been gone for a year; swept away on Christmas by his father according to Benny. He had not been allowed to say good-bye. He had not even known about Dean’s leave until Benny had told him after New Year’s. Benny hadn’t wanted to “ruin his Christmas”.

            Christmas was coming again; in two days Castiel realized.

            Gabriel had decided to move to Silverbay permanently; he bought a small townhome that had been part of a new development in town. Which had proved to be a good decision, at least on Castiel’s part. Their grandmother had passed away over the past summer, which had left Castiel almost homeless. Gabriel had allowed him to move into the extra bedroom of his new home, so he did not have to move back to Maine with his parents. When he thought on his parents, Castiel bristled; they had shown up for the funeral, out of familial obligation, and the first thing they had said to him had been on  a comment on how he was still “a queer, was he?”. His parents were awful people.

            Castiel blinked some tears away from his eyes, pumping his legs harder, and listening to the swing’s creaks becoming more erratic. The cold wind he created with his swinging cut along his face, but Castiel ignored the pain it caused. Dean had been gone for a year, and he had no idea where Dean was now. He could be a number of places, as his father was wont to travel, or so Dean had told him. Sometimes, Castiel thought about leaving Silverbay behind to look for Dean, but knowing that trying to find Dean would be impossible was what kept him from running away.

            He had thought with Alastair’s graduation would come his peace, but the school had practically blown up with the truth of what had happened that night in September. Meg had dumped Alastair shortly after the confrontation in the hallway, and then had apparently gone to a counselor. That had in turn brought the counselors into questioning _him_ and trying to pressure him into pressing charges, which he still hadn’t done. Alastair had been expelled; _that_ had also not gone well for him. Right after Spring Break, Castiel had woken up to find that someone had vandalized his home, and he could only assume it had been Alastair and the few friends he had left. Unfortunately, the harassment had not stopped.

            Alastair still found ways to try and ruin his life, and Gabriel had told him that they should file for a restraining order. Castiel was convinced that would do absolutely nothing and Alastair would find a way to keep on harassing him. For the moment, the harassment had died down and Castiel could only hope that Alastair had finally found something to do with his life. The swing creaked again but another sound made him jam his feet into the ground to drag the swing to a stop. The sound came again and Castiel realized someone was coming up behind him. A glance over his shoulder made his stomach drop, and he tried to get up but his foot slipped. The ground was frozen and cold beneath him as he fell, the wind knocking right out of his lungs.

            “Thought you’d gotten rid of me Novak?” Alastair asked, his voice as cold as the winter around them.

            “Go away-.” Castiel tried to stand up again, but the ice made him slip and soon he was scrambling across the snow to try and put distance between them, but Alastair soon had his hand in Castiel’s hair, yanking him backwards. The compulsion to scream filled his lungs but Alastair’s cold hand clamped down tightly on his mouth. Reminders of the locker confrontation made his heart hammer his chest so hard that he felt pangs of pain.

            Alastair pressed a knee into his back, pinning him into an awkward, and painful position on the ground. “You think you’re ever gonna escape me? You’re _wrong_ , you son of a bitch. Try and ruin my life. I showed you a _good time_ , and you threw it back in my face. Telling Meg, telling the whole school. I am going to tear you down slowly and painfully, you little shit.”

            Tears squeezed out of Castiel’s eyes as he tried to remain calm. Gabriel had told him that he needed to fight back if someone attacked him again, but the fear in his body was making him feel paralyzed. Perhaps, if he stayed still, and did as Alastair said, then Alastair would let him go.

            “I should do it again,” Alastair snarled close to his ear. “Put it in you again and remind you to keep your trap shut. You’re a slut Castiel, and sluts are supposed to give it up. It was written all over the walls in the bathroom. I _remember_.” Cold fingers shoved underneath his jacket and began to tug at his jeans, the other hand still clasped over his mouth.

  


He screamed.

  


xxxx

  


            “Merry Christmas Sammy,” Dean said to Sam as they sat up together in the most empty motel room. He hadn’t had the money to buy much but he had bought his little brother a candy bar and soda from the bending machine with his last two dollars. He watched Sam smile and nod as he saw the gifts that Dean had bought him.

            “I couldn’t get you anything Dean, I’m sorry,” Sam said quietly.

            Dean waved his hand in dismissal. “It’s okay,” he said quietly. “I don’t need nothing.”

            Once Dean saw that Sam was settled into watch some crap cable on the barely working TV, Dean went to sit by the window and stare out into the parking lot that was dimly lit by the neon sign of the motel. Christmas was supposed to be white, but not this year. Thunder was rumbling overhead, and Dean allowed the coming storm to lull him into a half sleep. He thought back on Montana and how Castiel’s Christmas was most likely white with a powdery snow; Castiel would get the gifts he had asked for this year, and he would wake in the morning to open them with his family.

            Their father had abandoned them for a few days, and neither of them knew why, but then again they never knew why. When the rain began to patter against the glass of the window, Dean pressed his forehead against the pane, waiting for the Impala to pull up outside. He could hope that his father would show up for Christmas, maybe even with a decent meal for Sam, but that was a fool’s hope, he knew. John Winchester would not show up for Christmas, and he would not show up with gifts either. John would show up most likely drunk or on his way to being drunk, with some excuse about why he had been gone; lost track of time, had bome business to complete, visiting friends. His father always had an excuse.

            “Hey Dean?” Sam asked from the bed.

            Dean turned his gaze on his younger brother and his heart panged with their sad reality. “Yeah, Sammy?”

            “Thanks,” Sam replied quietly.

            Dean nodded. “No problem, man.”

            The rain continued to fall and the thunder rumbled above their heads. His stomach growled relentlessly, and Dean prayed to whomever was listening for his father to return soon. At least then he could maybe pawn a few more dollars to buy his own candy bar dinner. Eyes heavy, Dean allowed them to close, sleep not too far behind.

  


xxxx

  


            “Does it hurt bad?” Sam asked quietly as he and Dean stood in a gas station bathroom together.

            Dean shrugged and inspected the black eye further in the mirror. John _had_ come back on Christmas, and with him had come Dean’s gift; a black eye and bruised ribs. “I’m fine,” he mumbled quietly before washing his hands.

            “Dean-”

            “I said I’m fine Sam!” he snapped. When Dean glanced Sam flinching in the mirror, he copied the gesture. Guilt ate at him then. “I’m sorry Sam, I’m not trying to yell at you.”

            “I know Dean,” Sam whispered. “I’ll go see if they have something frozen we can put on your eye.”

            “Thanks Sammy.” Dean watched Sam go before turning his eyes back on the kid in the mirror; he could hardly recognize himself anymore. His face had thinned out, and stubble was now starting to grow on his cheeks and jaw. The freckles on his face stood out starkly against the whiteness of his skin, since he and Sam hardly ever saw the sun anymore. He wasn’t even sure where they were heading now, but Dean hoped it was Sioux Falls. If they went to Sioux Falls then they could stay with Bobby Singer instead of in a motel room. Then they could have food in their bellies, and clean clothes on their backs.

            Dean ran his fingers lightly along the black eye that still ached as if he had gotten it an hour ago. His mind turned to thoughts of Benny and living in Silverbay as he often did when he no longer wanted to live in the present. Benny would have gotten him Christmas presents, would have let Dean wake him up early like a impatient child to see what Santa had left them. Dean glared at his reflection. Santa was not real, he had never been real, not to the Winchesters at least. They had never gotten a Christmas tree, or surprise gifts. No cookies had been eaten, and no milk disappeared overnight. Fury made him clench his fists and a moment later, Dean was nursing severely bruised knuckles, which quickly swelled up, and made his hand feel weak. The paper towel dispenser did have a decent dent in its side however, and that made the pain worth it.

  


xxxx

  


            “Are you just gonna sit around and not do anything?” Gabriel asked Castiel as he came in from work. “Come on Cas, get up. Go run, go walk, go to Ruby’s. _Something_. Do something, please. You’re freaking me out with your sitting and staring.”

            Castiel slowly turned his eyes on Gabriel from where he had been sitting on the couch for the past four hours. “I lost track of time,” he replied.

            “Well go do something. Please.”

            Castiel slowly stood up to go and pull his shoes on. How long had it been since Alastair had attacked him in the park? Six months? It was almost July and the heat was unbearable but Castiel did as Gabriel asked him and made his way outside. The truth of the matter was that Castiel was afraid to go outside because he was fairly convinced that Alastair was stalking him; trying to corner him to his part of the neighborhood and keep him there. But walking to Ruby’s seemed like an easy enough task. Not that he wanted to go to Ruby’s. He hadn’t even really spoken to Ruby since before Spring Break in March.

            Castiel was halfway to her house when he remembered vaguely that she had said something to him right before school had let out; she was going to be in England this summer. The sudden realization made him stop mid step and look around. Despite the terrible memories he had at the park, he also had good memories there, and Castiel found himself walking there before he could think too hard on the matter. The park had been where he and Dean had shared kisses and fond memories together. He would not let Alastair darken the brief flash of happiness he felt when remembering the park tube.

            Dean had smelled wonderful, and his lips had been perfectly soft against his own. Castiel even allowed a smile to fill his face when he came to the empty park. The tube stood out yellow and dirty on the outside from misuse. Kneeling, Castiel looked in and found the inside to be mostly clean so he climbed in and laid on his back to stare up at the well lit top. His skin and clothing were now cast in a construction yellow glow, and Castiel stared at the horrible color that painted his skin. Why playground equipment had to be such gaudy colors, he would never know, but the inside of the tube was pleasantly cool, compared to the outside, so Castiel stayed there.

            The fit was tight, since it had not been built for gangly sixteen year old boys, but he didn’t mind too much. If he and Dean could force their bodies inside to make out, he surely could fit by himself. The silence that came after he settled, turned his mind inside out and the bad memories came flooding back behind his closed eyelids like a terrible horror movie. Dragging in deep breaths through his nose, Castiel squeezed his eyes tightly shut, until all he saw was blackness, but that did not stop him from feeling the cold of the ground beneath him, the copper taste in his mouth from when Alastair had hit his head down on the ground to keep him still, or the pain that had ripped through his body. The cold air had chafed his sore skin afterwards. There had been no one around to hear him scream against Alastair’s clammy hand, and no one had seen him pick himself up off of the ground, legs weak and shaking. He had walked home in the cold and had not gotten out of bed claiming illness.

            Gabriel had believed him.

            Castiel squeezed his hands into fists until his fingernails cut into his palms and drew blood. Alastair had not bothered him much since that day in the park, but there were times when Castiel would go into town and see him working. Despite the rumors that had flooded about what Alastair had done to him, that did not stop Alastair from remaining in town and continuing to work at the small hardware store. He couldn’t escape Alastair’s torment, no matter what he did or what he tried. Even therapy was starting to become a tedious task that Castiel had no desire to complete. He dreaded going to the therapist, because he no longer wanted to talk.

             Silence. Golden silence.

             He wanted to become a mute.  At times, he would go days without saying a word and no one ever really questioned his decision to stay quiet. He had also started cutting again. No one noticed. Gabriel was too busy to notice, and he had no other friends. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted people to notice or not. Slowly, Castiel opened his eyes. The world seemed so bright compared to the forced darkness he had brought upon himself. Today was one of the days where he ached to sprout roots out of his spine so he could dig into the earth and remain there forever. Today was one of the days where he didn’t want to die, he just wanted to close his eyes and sleep for a few years. He wanted peace, silence, and warmth. Lying in a quiet, slowly warming, yellow tube in an abandoned park was the closest he could come to not existing for a few hours.

  


xxxx

  


          “Because I _want_ to go to school! Why is that so fucking hard for you to grasp?! I _liked_ school, I was even _good_ at school!” Dean roared at his father as he stood in the driveway next to the Impala. The car was the only good thing his father had ever given him. “I want to graduate, I want to get a fucking diploma so I don’t end up like _you_!”

            John Winchester stared at him in surprise, as if he couldn’t believe the words pouring from his son’s mouth. “And where do you think you’re goin’?”

            “ _Away_ from here!” Dean snapped in return. “Let me take Sam with me, and we’ll be out of your _fucking_ hair. I’m eighteen now, I’m adult, I can take care of him! Let me take care of him!”

            Fourteen year old Sam stood off to the side, his thin face pale and haggard. No one had been getting that much sleep, not with the constant traveling and change in scenery. Sam deserved a rooted place, a stable home, and to go to school. They both deserved those things Dean had finally realized. Over the years, he had allowed his father to walk all over him but not anymore. He deserved better than _this_.

            “I’m taking Sammy with me,” he said coldly. “You can crawl into a fucking hole, die, and rot for all I care! You _never_ cared about me _or_ Sam. Just yourself. Well that shit is over old man, I’m leaving. I’m done. Come on Sam.”

            Sam glanced nervously at John before slowly slinking around, his small dufflebag on his shoulder. Dean watched Sam rush over to the car, hurriedly climbing into the backseat as a habit. Dean continued to glare at his father, who had yet to say anything to him. Maybe, now that he had stood up for himself John was too shocked to say anything at all. That was fine with Dean, he didn’t need a drawn out fight. He gave John another withering stare before climbing into the car and taking off away from the motel they had been holed up inside for the past three days. They would go to Sioux Falls and live with Bobby.

            “You okay?” he asked Sam as he finally slowed down.

            “Yeah,” Sam admitted quietly. “Where are we going?”

            “Sioux Falls,” Dean replied with a confident smile. They were out from under John’s thumb, and Dean was sure that John wouldn’t follow him this time. “We did it Sammy. We’re free.”

            Sam smiled back at him before rolling down the window of the car to lean against, allowing the warm air to whip through his shaggy hair. Dean found that he couldn’t stop smiling, and he eagerly turned the radio on. The music filled his veins with new life and Dean realized with another smile that after he finally got his GED, he could go back to Silverbay. He could finally see Benny and Castiel again. He couldn’t help but hope that Castiel was still single and willing to try again.

  


xxxx

  


            He had been searching for peace and silence for so long that he had forgotten what silence sounded like. No matter what he did, no matter the changes he made, Castiel always found himself thinking on the trauma he could not escape. He had tried medication, he had tried dream journals, talking to his therapist, cutting, writing, and meditation. But he could never find the silence; his mind was too loud, too busy. The quiet eluded him always. The air from his open window was warm, the sunlight glowing on his bed made him want to sink into the mattress further until he could no longer feel anything at all.

            The pills would do that for him soon enough.

            Castiel smiled slightly; he could immerse himself in silence soon enough. Finally, he would find peace and quiet for his ever racing thoughts. Deep breaths filled his lungs, in and out several times, and Castiel closed his eyes. They were heavy with the need for sleep. Alastair had won. He could not escape the trauma, the pain, or the slowly deteriorating recesses of his mind anymore. There was nothing left to do except sleep. A fuzzy memory of freckles, green eyes kissed by sunlight, and a white smile guided him into the creeping darkness that drew him down deeper and deeper. He held out of his hand and grasped Dean’s, another faint smile twitching his lips.

            _You ready to go Cas?_

            Yes, he wanted to say. Yes.

 

 


	10. Epilogue

              The diner hadn’t changed much in the last seven years, which was what Dean noted first as he walked into _Benny’s_ that June afternoon. Jo was still bustling about, gathering up plates and doling out meals to customers as they came and went. Silverbay had gotten bigger since Dean had left; expanding for more shops and homes. Seeing the small town turn into almost a suburb was the weirdest feeling for him, even though he figured it was probably inevitable. Dean trailed his eyes over the patrons of the diner until finally they fell on a familiar face. A huge smile split his face and then Dean walked over to the counter to take a seat.

            “Got a recommendation?” he asked the man behind the counter, his smile still large and happy.

            Benny Lafitte raised his eyes from cleaning a glass, his jaw slowly falling open. “Dean? Dean _Winchester_?” he asked in disbelief before he smiled and practically dropped the glass to the floor.

            Dean grinned and nodded. “Yeah, it’s me. You told me to come back when I grew up. Well here I am.”

            “You look great boy,” Benny said, his eyes misting over.

            Dean nodded, his own eyes starting to swim. “Yeah, you too. How ya been?”

            “I’ve been alright. Missed ya, of course. Glad to see you on two feet, healthy lookin’. You finish school?”

            “No,” Dean lamented. “I got my GED though,” he added quickly after Benny looked sad for him. “I know it’s not the same but I got it.”

            “Well good,” Benny said with an approving smile. “Glad to see you.”

            “Yeah good to see you too, Benny. It really is.” Dean looked over at the pie under its glass holding plate. “You mind?”

            Benny smirked and went to cut Dean a large slice with some whipped topping. “On the house. You here to stay or are you just passing through?”

            “Well,” Dean said as he took a bite of pie, moaning a little at the wonderful taste. God, he had missed Benny’s amazing pie. “I won’t lie, I didn’t just come here to see you. I did come here to ask if you knew if Cas was still around.”

            Benny paused and grabbed a napkin to write on. “He’s got a new address.”

            “Yeah?” Dean said with a another bite. “Where?”

  
  


            “I really missed you Cas,” Dean said with a small smile. “And I know you’re gonna want to say stuff, but let me have it all out first, okay? ...you were the best friend I could have asked for when I was here, you know that, right? You were great. And I cared about you so much Cas. I’m sorry that I wasn’t really there for you the whole time...and I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye.”

            Dean slowly sat down and paused, trying to think of what else to say as his emotions began to get the better of him. Tears stung at his eyes and he decided not to wipe them away. Not this time. “I wanted to say goodbye. I begged my dad in the car, but he ignored me. Figures. But Cas...why, man? Why _this_? Why...why--” Dean stopped himself when his voice threatened to crack. The air was warm and the sun was shining, and there was a deceiving beauty about Castiel’s new home. Slowly, he lowered the flowers he had in his hand to the marker in the earth.

  


_Castiel Novak_

_November 6, 1991 - May 2, 2010_

  


            “Why?” he whispered again. “Why’d you have to _give up_ , Cas? Benny said-...Benny said that you just gave up after I left. That you couldn’t handle it all afterwards. Like you tried but at the end you just gave up. Cas you were about to _graduate high school_. You got accepted into Yale, and Duke, and Princeton-all these _amazing_ places...and you could have went to any of them. But you’re here and not there. You’re _dead_ , Cas.” Dean shook his head and traced his fingers along the tombstone, allowing his hand to trace out Castiel’s name. “I thought that I’d come back and you’d still be here. I wasn’t expecting you to be single or anything...but I was expecting you to be _here_ , Cas. You weren’t supposed to check out early! You weren’t supposed to _die_.”

            The wind blew against his face and Dean raised his eyes to the cerulean wall of the sky. The color had always reminded him of Castiel’s eyes; those denim, ocean, sky blue eyes. Eyes that not even the finest poet could have described accurately. Eyes that should have seen _more_ in his life, than just the bullshit of his teenage years. Castiel had deserved to live and move on with his life, to become something more.

Benny had sat him down and told him that Castiel had tried to move on past the rape that September evening, and he had made quite a bit of progress, but never enough. He had always struggled with the kids at school, and the loss that Dean had left in his heart. Castiel had always been a little broken, Benny had said. Always a little fragile.

            “If I hadn’t left, would you still be here?” Dean whispered to the tombstone, trying to conjure up a memory of Castiel’s smile. “Would you still be here, Cas?”

            Castiel had come and gone like a tempest, wrought with agony and pain. There had been a bright light inside that storm, but it had dimmed gradually and Dean had not been there to keep it from going out completely. He swallowed roughly and slowly stood up again, brushing the dirt from his knees. Dean had always figured that there was an afterlife and Castiel was probably in a better place. A Heaven with an ocean shoreline with beautiful tides going in and out, and no more pain.

              No more agony.

             A small smile flickered across his face before he turned to walk away. As he walked back towards the Impala where he had parked, Dean paused at the sight of a beautiful black and blue bird. He flitted around on a tree branch that grew near Castiel’s grave. The bird paused and stared at him before eventually shaking its feathers and taking off into the sky. Dean watched the bird go and nodded to himself.

            “Nice to see you too Cas,” he whispered before turning on the car. The song that came on through the radio made another smile fill his face, and he immediately began to sing along. “ _When I die and they lay me to rest, gonna go to the place that’s the best. When I lay me down to die, goin’ up to the spirit in the sky_.”

 


End file.
